babytorud

the waiting game

2011-05-04T09:29:00.002-05:00

The version Worked! We had the version on Friday of last week. I can't say it is something that is easy in anyway shape or form, but it is not as bad as natural child birth either. We got there at around 1, the procedure was scheduled for 2. I was brought into a room to have me and the baby monitored and have a ultrasound. The baby looked great, but I was contracting about every 3 minutes, which has been pretty normal for over a month. And yes she was still breech, frank breech to be exact. So she was butt down, her legs on the left side of my body and her head up in my ribs on the right hand side. My Dr tried doing the version without any med, and I immediately contracted, so in the meds went. They use a med that relaxes the uterus, but makes you feel like you drank 4 cappuccinos. Your heart beats really hard, to the point you can hear it in your ears, and you get really shaky. It lasts about an hour. So we started again. I was flat on my back and one dr pushed her up out of my pelvic area and then she took the butt and the other dr took her head and they pushed with vigor to move her, and she went. The whole procedure lasted about a minute and a half. I can't say I would want to do it again, and I wouldn't with this pregnancy. If she flipped I would opt for a c section at this point. On Monday we went back to the Dr for my normal appt. and she is still head down. She has a 2% chance of flipping back. I was almost 3 cm dilated and had my membranes scraped. So now we wait. If nothing happens my induction date is still set for the 17th, which feels so far away.

overwhelming to say the least

2011-04-29T07:08:00.002-05:00

We found out on monday, that little Miss is breech. I had a routine Dr's appt. and was sent down to ultrasound for a weight check. My Dr. was concerned that I had only gained 14 lbs this pregnancy and was afraid the baby had stopped growing at about the 5lb mark. Was she wrong! I know there can be quite a swing in weight from ultrasound to birth, but she is measuring 6lbs110z with a 110z swing, so she is definitly healthy. Infact she is in the 72% for her gestational weight. We have been debating all week to have a external version or schedule a c section. I have decided to try the version. I guess I can't be any worse off than I am right now, except emotionally drained. I am scared to death of the procedure. I have heard it is extremely uncomfortable, but for the most part safe. It has a 50% success rate, which isn't very encouraging to me, but worth a shot. If not we schedule a c section. Let's hope for a mobile baby who moves, and then stays in position, and a safe and painless procedure!!!

where does the time go

2011-04-01T09:20:00.002-05:00

So it has been a eventful last few months. So here is an update on what has been going on:

-in January we started finishing our basement so that we had more room for toys and guests. We only have a 3 bedroom house and with Camden going into a big bed in a different room, we were losing our guest bedroom. So everything that we had in our basement, got shoved in every nuk and cranny you could find in our house-I feel like I have lived in a mess for ever. My hubby and family pretty much did everything! So most nights, we came home, ate dinner and then hubby went down stairs for the night, and I was a single mom! (PS. I don't know how they do it) So the basement is now done, we got it finished about 2 weeks ago, and it turned out AWESOME! We love it.

-Work has been crazy for both hubby and I. Both jobs have made some structural changes again, so work loads and stress loads have increased. But we are both happy to just have jobs.

-Traveling around town has been a little insane. I live in Madison, WI where we have had huge protests due to collective bargaining rights being taken away from union workers to fix our budget. That is a whole other topic that I am choosing not to even talk about because I see both sides points. But there have been people everywhere. So it sucks to go to dinner, the store, just being out in general.

-Camden went into a big bed last week! He loves it! He is so cute in it. I just can't believe he is that big already. So now it is time to start working on the nursery again. We are keeping it pretty much the same but making it a little more girly! I only get one, so I might as well do what I want right?

-that is pretty much family stuff, now the good stuff that you are all interested in-the baby

Baby update

-where to begin? First of all, I have restless leg syndrome. It came on about 4 months into this pregnancy. I thought it would just pass, like most of my other pregnancy quirks, you know, a couple weeks and we move on to something else. WRONG! It actually has gotten worse. To the point Hubby and I have been sleeping in separate beds/couches for 2 months already. I typically go to bed around 10/11, and am up from 12-3:30/4 am walking around because my legs are twitching and shaking so bad. So they tried giving me some Ambian. It helped, but it just made it easier to fall back to sleep. So I was up just as much, but with less frustration about the loss of sleep. But I was still dragging at work. It is so bad I can't even take a nap on days off, because the minute I try to relax they kick up. I was sent to a leg specialist who deals with a lot of patients that have restless legs, and she doesn't even have a good solution because I am pregnant. Every treatment is medication, which I refuse because they are all class c drugs such as opiates. So we are trying a very small dose of a drug that is in the valium family. It is safe during pregnancy, and I will admit, I have had some improvement. I am still up at night but for a short time. And now it seems I am up to go to the bathroom, not so much becuase my legs are bothering me. It has been a long couple of months.

-I have had a lot of spotting with this pregnancy. They can't figure out where it is coming from. I have been in to the clinic 4 times for randomness, including a trip to labor and delivery. On top of that I have been contracting for the last 2 months. The contractions aren't doing anything. But we are on strict instructions that no more than 4 a hr and I have to get off my feet for the rest of the day. More than 7 and we go to labor and delivery. So far, I have had to go home from work a few times, but no trip to the hospital.

-Baby girl is also in the breech position. We still have a little time for her to move/turn, but I am losing faith. So we may have to look at a c-section or a version. Anyone experience a version, I would love to know how it was and the outcome.

-And the Icing on the cake is that I woke up with PUPPS this past Tuesday morning!! Whoohooo! Ohhhh and does it itch. This is why I was induced early the with Camden. I was told it may come back with this pregnancy, but it may not. Oh no, I would be the one to get it. And it came the same exact week I got it last time-rather ironic!!

Don't get me wrong, life has been good. But I wouldn't say I am on cloud nine and have the beautiful pregnancy glow. I am tired and getting ready for it to be over. But little miss does need to cook a little longer. We have an eventful few weeks coming up. Camden turns 2 next weekend, Easter at the end of the month, lots going on at work and hubby is running a 5k at the end of the month with some friends, so we will have some guests in town. Needless to say this baby will be here before I know it. Hope all is well!!

snow, snow and more snow

2011-02-03T14:37:00.002-06:00

It just keeps coming-snow. I think we have gotten approximately 18" in the last 2 days, and I am sick of it. On the bright side, I got a cuddle day with my family yesterday! Hubby's work told him to work from home and my work closed, so we hung out with Camden and played all day!!

In baby news, not a whole lot has been happening. I have still had some spotting issues-which is always cause for alarm. I ended up going back in today because I have been spotting and now have had a lot of brax hicks in the last few days, but everything seems to be normal. It is kind of annoying because when I call the nurse, before we even get to what is going on, she looks at my history and tells me I need to come in. I understand that I have had a terrible past with pregnancy, but I also hate being that person. My Dr. reassures me that they would rather have me in every other day and it be nothing, then not tell me to come in and be in preterm labor. And I know that I am to the point the baby is viable, so they are just protecting everyone involved, but it still sucks.

Anyone have any good advice for restless legs syndrome? I have it terribly!!! I am up every night for hrs with it. The only thing that seems to help is hubby rubbing them. Needless to say he doesn't think that this is a long term solution. I don't mind it! But I need to find another solution.

never a dull moment

2011-01-08T17:46:00.002-06:00

This has been a hell of a week! After a wonderful new years with family we returned home to Camden getting the flu on Sunday night! It was horrible, it doesn't help that I am the biggest germ-a-phobe out there! It was disgusting! He had a fever and really didn't move off the cough all day Monday. By late Monday night, he was crying for pizza! Weird, I know. Tuesday he was pretty normal, except he had horrible diarrhea, which led to a horribly blistery behind, which made him cry. And then he got sick again! On wed, he still had diarrhea. Finally Thursday he was better and could return to daycare, for me to catch it and have to leave work to spend the day in bed. Thank heavens for a little bit of left over zofran to help combat the nausea! On Friday, hubby got. And we had a crew at our house framing out our basement. We sent Camden home with my parents, thank heavens for them.

So here we are Saturday, and you think we would get a break......NOPE! I end up in labor and delivery because I have vaginal bleeding and minimal fetal movement over night. After all the tests they can't explain it and was told to put my feet up for the next few days and relax, no heavy lifting. Of course the minute I leave, this little peanut is crazy, moving constantly, like someone gave her a sugar cube. Why couldn't I feel that in the previous 12 hrs?!

Did I mention that on Tuesday we found out it is a girl!!! We are so excited. Well here is to a new UNEVENTFUL week!

feeling a little misplaced....

2010-12-17T19:36:00.003-06:00

So it has been over a year since I last updated......how time fly's. I have pulled this up so many times and stared at the blank page, trying to figure out what to write. Do I write about what is going on, what my experiences are, or how lost I feel in the fertility world. Why you ask...well here it is-we are pregnant! I am 18 wks right now, and I didn't get pregnant doing fertility. I am ecstatic that we didn't have to go through it again, but feel like I have betrayed my dear friends. I remember the envy and annoyance I used to have for people like me because I was going through cycle, after failed cycle, after failed cycle.

So lets back up....Hubby and I decided to start "trying" in April, and to our surprise got pregnant right away. We were in awe, couldn't believe it. Everything was going fine, but because I don't get my period on a normal cycle my OB wanted to do a couple early ultrasounds and extra bloodwork. So we did a ultrasound at 7 1/2 wks and everything looked great! Heartbeat of 150's. We decided to wait until 10 wks to do the next one. At this point I wasn't feeling good, but felt a little less pressure since we had seen a heartbeat. All that came crashing down on us when I went for a 10 wk ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. The baby was measuring pretty close to 10 wks, so they assumed I had m/c in the last few days. It sucked, but I was okay. I was thrilled that we got pregnant although it wasn't the outcome we wanted, it was still positive. I waited a week and still hadn't passed it, so opted for a DNC. Please tell me why I didn't due that the last time. It was so much less emotionally and physically painful.

So we waited a full cycle and got back to it, and bam, right away again-pregnant! Obviously thrilled again but very reluctant to tell anyone including our parents. But here was the problem, we went on vacation and I was sicked than a dog the last few day. So it came out. The entire first trimester killed me. I was so sick, I felt as if I had the flu from the time I woke up, until I went to bed. I finally went on Zofran after 8 wks, and it has been my wonder drug. I don't think I could have gotten thru it without it. Since about 14 wks I have been feeling a lot better.

So that is the latest and greatest. I was scheduled for my ultrasound for the 30th, but it has now been moved until Jan 4th because they want perinatology to do it. With everything they found with Cman, they want to take precaution with this one. I understand it but really don't want to wait an extra week. Isn't that horrible!!

So, if you have read me before, I hope you continue to follow. And if you feel I have betrayed you or can't follow due to the pain it would cause you, I totally understand and only wish you the best. For those of you that are following....there is more to come.

quick picture

2009-12-10T11:37:00.001-06:00

we have a tooth

2009-09-27T16:36:00.002-05:00

Dear Tooth fairy,

I just want to personally thank you for being kind this first go round. I know most people don't show much gratitude to you, unless they are asking for money, but I don't want any. Just want to thank you. And if you want to grant us this much peace the next time, we wouldn't have any objections. Actually maybe we should pay you. How much do you charge for painless teething.....I may be willing to pay? The child has been drooling since he was 3 months, but no crying, ear infections, diarrhea, night crying-nothing that anyone has warned us about. So we have one, on the bottom left. Can the next one be just as painless?

Many thanks again,
Camden's mommy

lost, but now found

2009-09-22T09:22:00.001-05:00

I know I have been on a blogging hiatus, but I didn't know whether to continue this blog or stop blogging. I have been a bit torn with continuing due to numerous reasons. One-I have the one thing this blog was about, by baby boy. Two-this was my way to talk to others and to share my feeling about things that I was going through. It was private, and only a few people knew about it besides my fertility family (who I cherish more than anything.) Now, it is extremely public. I am not mad about others finding out about it, I just feel that somethings are better off not being common knowledge to entire world. Yes, I know I blog-and it is on the web, but there is a difference between that and every single acquaintance and friend knowing my deepest darkest feelings and emotions. Three-time-I just don't have as much time as I used to. So I have decided that I will keep it going. I will talk about my life, my son, and when it comes time-infertility. At that time, I will most likely make this blog private or create a private one. I want to keep my IF family in the loop, because they can relate, and they helped me through it the first time, I may need then to get me through it again. I value those friendships. So here we go......

Little man is getting big, he is now about 5 1/2 months, and the joy of my life. We have had a eventful summer. Camden has been to the zoo, Brewer games, Badger game, traveled all over Wisconsin, the list goes on and on. I went back to work after 12 wks, it was a very hard time for me. I always thought I would love motherhood, but I loved it even more than I thought. So I struggled for a few weeks. We found a awesome private daycare provider that gives us some flexibility. I love her, and Camden does so well with her.

A few weeks after being back to work, Camden was baptised. He cried through the entire thing until they poured water on his head, then he smiled. Now, don't most baby's hang out until they pour water over their head, then they cry. Yeah, not my baby!! He had his first haircut about the same week. YUP, a haircut. The crown of his head was about 4 1/2 inches long and stuck straight up, it had to go!! And he had a rat tail that went half way down his back. He looked like a 80's baby. Cute, but much cuter after the haircut.

We have been pretty much in line with milestones. He rolls all over the floor. He started rolling both ways at about 4 months. He has now figured out he can get places by rolling. He is a maniac in his exersaucer and jumper. In his exersaucer the grabs a hold of a toy and leans back and can pull the toy completely out of the exersaucer. Literally breaks it!! He is so incredibly strong!! We actually has to raise the height on both toys because he jumps and is so tall. He is eating cereal and oatmeal. He loves it! He gets rice cereal at night and Oatmeal in the morning. We mixed some squash in the cereal the last two nights. I haven't figured out what he really thinks. The first two bites he gags, then he is fine.

We have been a pretty happy baby for the most part. We have had two colds-nothing to serious-runny nose, little cough. We also had a 4 day flu a couple of weeks ago which was HELL! He had the diarrhea for 5 or 6 days. And he vomited the first day and the last day. I am so glad that is over!! No teeth yet, but they have to be close. This child can't drool anymore than he already does!! He is a facet!!

I will leave you with some pictures and continue to update!!!

Camden's first badger game
walking in the grass
first time swimming

Happy two months

2009-06-08T22:51:00.002-05:00

What a day! I am exhausted. We had really loud storms here last night. And it didn't help that it lightninged like crazy either. I was awake most of the storms, from 1-3am, assuming the storms would wake Camden up. But, he decided to sleep through them and wake up at 3:30 for a bottle. And we had to be up early and at our first appt by 9am, and the appts continued all day until 4 pm. Thank god they are over!!

What a big boy!! Camden is officially 2 months today, he is growing up so fast!! Today was his 2 month check up. He is 12lbs, 9 0z--73%, he was 10lbs and 50% 3 wks ago, and he is 23.75"--80%! Holy man, he is growing like a weed. He also received his shots today. I had to step out right before he the shots because I had a dr. appt on a different floor. Hubby said he did okay. He got the first one and his face got bright red and then the furry came. He screamed his head off. Justin doesn't even think he knew he got two more shots because he was still in shock and pissed off from the first one. I told Camden that I was glad that he say his daddy's face as he got those shots, not mine--jk! Actually, I am glad Justin was there, because I don't think I could have helped hold him down and watched him scream like that. He has been pretty good tonight, but definitely not himself. He is really happy, then really sleepy, and hungry. We will how the night goes....he may be up a few times. Only time will tell...

We also found a daycare--yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaa!! It is a bitter sweet feeling. I am glad and a little at ease that we found someone, but don't want to think about going back to work! I am very glad that my inlaws are coming the first week I go back to work, and then my mom is coming the next week.

Holy man, I didn't realize it was 11pm. This girl needs to go to bed!! I will be up in a few hrs, and I have a dr's appt in the am. I can't seem to shake this terrible headache that I have had for over a week. I am going to my 3rd appt for it in the AM, lets see if they find the source. I would be happy with a good pain pill to just get rid of it for a little while. Good night and sweet dreams.

and the days go on....

2009-06-07T21:04:00.004-05:00

Tomorrow my little boy is 2 months old!! I am so sad that he growing up so fast, but at the same time it is so fun to watch him change and do new things. He also has his 2 month check up tomorrow. I can't wait to see how much he has grown. I think he is well over 12 lbs, and I know he is really long. He is in 3-6 month sleepers. They are a little big through his chest and arms, but he NEEDS them for his length. My husband said it was time to go up to a bigger size earlier this week, when he could barely straighten his legs in his 0-3 month sleeper. It was kind of funny, but I felt bad at the same time. Now, I am also noticing that a lot of his one piece outfits no longer fit either, they are all to short. So yesterday and today, I drefted all of his 3-6 month clothes, although a lot of them won't fit him yet.

Camden is now officially on strictly formula. I quit pumping last week. It was a tough decision, but pumping was becoming a waste. I wasn't even getting a bottles work after pumping 3 times in a day. My last straw, was going 8 hrs, not feeling full and only getting a ounce in a half after pumping. He finished up everything I had frozen this week. I still feel guilty and wish I was still actually nursing, but what can a girl do? I would have to have him on formula by the time I went back to work, anyway. And that is in 3 wks. It is what it is. He is happy and healthy and that is all that really matters.

Tomorrow, we also are going back to the 2 places we are considering for daycare. One is a actual daycare, and the other is a at home day care. They both have pros and cons. But, I think I like the at home provider better. It is a lot farther away from our house then the other place but it is worth it. Oh, I can't believe I go back to work in 3 wks. Before I went on leave, 12 wks seemed like an eternity to be off. Boy, was I wrong, it is not long enough at all. I wish I lived in Norway, where you get paid to take the first year off. Wouldn't that be nice?!?!

Until tomorrow I leave you with a little cutie pie, named Camden!

power of prayer

2009-05-28T07:53:00.004-05:00

I am sorry I haven't updated this week, and unfortunately I am not doing that right now. I am asking for some positive thoughts and prayers. My SIL, Jenna, has been in labor since Tuesday morning at 3 am. She is still in labor now, and yes it is 7:45 Thursday morning. When it
started on Tuesday, she was having contractions about 10 minutes apart. She had a doctors appt that morning at 8:30, where she was only 1 cm dilated and 60% effaced. She labored all day with contractions anywhere from 5-10 minutes apart. She went to bed and they picked up anywhere from 3-5 minutes. She stuck it out through the night and went in at 5 am to only find out she had made no progress. They did allow her to stay at the hospital instead of sending her home, so she could hopefully get some sleep. That didn't happen. They have had her walking and sitting in the tub all day. At 10 pm when I left the hospital, she was still only at 4 cm after 2 days of labor. I received a text this morning that she was finally at 8 cm. She finally took a epidural and they gave her pitocin to speed things up. (really, don't think you should sped things up 24 hrs ago?) She is sleeping as we speak. So, if you can give her some prayers, hugs, and support, I know she would greatly appreciate it. She has no idea how strong she really is, a little support would go a long way. We are all just praying for a healthy delivery!! But, I wouldn't be lying if we all just want this to be over soon for her sake. Thanks you for all of your support!
________________________________________________________________

Update,

Gracelyn Kate was born on Thursday May 28th, at 11:41 am.
She was 7lbs, 10 oz and 19 1/2 inches long
Mom and baby are doing well

Camden looks huge compared to her.....

one day at a time.......

2009-05-19T11:48:00.003-05:00

This is the crabby child I have had on my hands for the last 10 days or so. But, I think we have turned the corner. Hopefully I am not jinxing myself by saying that. It started 2 fridays ago, he was fussing from the time he got up to the time he went to bed. It was so unlike him. We decided to give him an extra ounce at his feedings, which seemed to be the trick for about 3 days, and then it started all over again. I could never put him down, and when I did he would cry until he would choke and gage. It was terribly heart breaking! It was making me cry. He wasn't constipated, but it seemed that he was having some gas issues. He would still be burping and hour after his bottle. I contacted the pediatrician and we decided to switch his formula, although I was a little hesitant because I didn't want to make it worse. Anyway, we did that last friday. We switched to a sensative mix, which is slightly broken down. I also decided to switch to a different bottle because he didn't seem to get a good seal around the nipple. He always seemed to be leaking and sucking in air, not to mention it would take 30-40 minutes for him to take 4-5oz. I now have my happy baby back!! He seems to be adjusting to both very well. I don't know what was the cure, but he takes a bottle in about 15-20 minutes and he isn't gassy from it. Not to mention that he still isn't spitting up very often, so it has been a win, win situation. The only thing that sucked was the bottles were expensive and the formula is a little more expensive. It ends up being a latte less a week in cost, so really it's not a big deal. Personally, I wouldn't blink a eye if it cost me a $100 a week, as long as my little man is happy, it is all worth it to me.

So back to what is new:
I had my 6 wk check up this week, I am completely healed up. We talked a little about Birth control, when we want to have another baby, fertility drugs. yikes-I don't think I was ready to switch my thinking to having another one yet, I am still enjoying my 6 WEEK OLD. Anyway she did suggest that I don't take anything that will alter my hormones due to my PSOS and irregular cycles as it is. So we are going that route. We also decided that we will start back on the metformin when Camden is 6 months old. It will take me 6-8 wks to build up my normal dose. At that point I will go back in for testing to see what is happening, well to see if I am ovulating on my own.

Other than that, the last week had been pretty uneventful because of crabby man. I was home for mothers day and my husbands birthday. It was a nice break. My wonderful mother took all of the night feedings while I was home. So I just had to change him, make his bottle, and pump. I then got to go to bed, it was amazing!! It sad on how those little things make you feel like a new woman. I needed it, now I am recharged. Other than that we have been hanging out at home a lot.

This mothers day was in some ways bitter sweet. I have a new persective of the holiday, and thank god every day for my son. But, I also remember how much it hurt last year when every other mother was celebrating the holiday, and I was still dreaming of what it would be like. I kept thinking about all the woman out there struggling with IF and how much their hearts ache on a daily bases. And now there is a day of celebrating something they are privately mourning. Yet, I wonder if someday I will have to endure that frustration and pain again.

It is sad that my maternity leave is half over. Camden is 6 wks old today, it definitly doesn't seem that long ago. It is also crazy how much he has changed. To most people he is still a little baby, and to me he is this little guy with such personality. He screams the minute he decided he is hungry, he hates to burp and screams until he does, then wants the bottle bac-- now. He greets me in the morning with big smiles. He is starting to find his voice. He will let out a loud shreek, and smile and look around to see where it came from. He is getting chubbier cheeks then he already has, I just want to kiss them all day. He loves to cuddle and snuggle-I just never want him to grow up.

4 wk tomorrow

2009-05-05T14:58:00.007-05:00

where does the time go? I can't believe that it has been 4 wks tomorrow since I gave birth. YIKES!! Nor can I seem to find the time to get anything done: My house is a mess, I have never ending laundry, and every time I start something, Mr. Camden seems to need something. But I wouldn't change it for the world. So here is what is new in our lives:

Breast feeding: Love it and hate it all in the same breath. I love the bonding time with Camden, but I hate how much it hurts. I have had problems since he has come home from the hospital. My little piggy latched on like a champ. the first weekend he was so hungry and my milk wasn't in, and due to him eating every 2 hrs for at least an hour, he did some serious damage. Like, my nipp.les were cracked, scabbed, and bleeding. Now I am sure I am not the first or last one to experience that, but it hurt so bad for him to latch. I did stick it out, but it never got better because of the damage he did. So after talking to the lactation consultant she suggested that I take a week off and strictly pump to let them heal. That was last Sunday. They suggested that I do not feed him a bottle myself, well that was not possible due to the fact my husband works during the day. So I got him to finally take one from me (this was next to impossible-he looked at me like I was on crack.) Now, to go back to nursing I would have to start all over, and due to the fact I am pumping, for some reason my milk supply has gone down, so we have had to supplement 2 oz every feeding with formula. So I think nursing is behind us, I'm still going to continue to pump and mix with formula until I go back to work. And I really hate pumping, but I just can't let go of it. I envy those people that can nurse with no problems, I would have loved for it to have been that easy for me.

We have had company for almost everyday for the last 4 wks. I think today, and one or maybe two days last week, were the only days someone didn't stop by. It has been nice, but it is also nice to have a day where I don't need to shower and get ready. That probably sound disgusting, but getting ready always seems to be a production. I used to get up, shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, and make it to work all in an hour. Now, it takes me at least two by the time I pump, feed Camden, change few diapers and get him dresses. Boy, oh boy, my priorities have changed.

Hubby and I are going on our first date since the baby on Thursday. We are going to see Bil.ly Jo.el and El.ton Joh.n. I am so excited to see this show, but I am really nervous to leave for that long. I have left to run to the store or go pick up food, leaving him home with my hubby for an hour tops. And I have left on 2 shopping trips with my cousin, but we were gone not even 3 hrs. Thursdays show is almost 4 hrs long and hubby would like to go early and grab a bite to eat or get a drink. I know I need to go and enjoy, I just hope that I am not thinking about how my child is doing the whole time. Hubby called my mom to come and babysit a month before we even bought the tickets. So she is coming down for the night, so he will be in good hands.

We are heading to my parents house for the weekend. Sunday is Mothers day, but it is also hubby's birthday. So we are celebrating both. I will check in later this week and update any new and exciting events. I will leave you with a few pictures:

I love this picture, although my hubby may kill me for posting it. These are the two loves of my life. I put Camden down on my pillow and told hubby to keep him company while I went to grab a bottle. I was gone 3 minutes and returned to find both sleeping and Camden curled around his head. It was too cute!

Camden seems to be in love with his sea horse. He coos and talks to it for hours-seriously. This toy is awesome because it sings 5 songs before it turns off, glow worm not so much. And yes, his hair will not go down, so it sticks up unless it is wet.

Camden not know exactly what to make of tummy time, although he doesn't seem to mind it

2 wk check up

2009-04-26T10:52:00.002-05:00

birth stats:
ht-19 1/2 inches
wt-7lbs, 12 oz

2 wk check
ht 20 3/4 inches (48th percentile)
8lbs, 1 oz (27th percentile)

Camden's check up this week went very well. Obviously, as you can see from the above numbers he is growing well. They were very pleased with his weight, considering before he was weighted after he had to major dirty diapers. Everything else seemed to be good. They checked his ears, eyes, and mouth which was all good. His reflexes were very good as well. They were surprised he responds to voices the way he does, he definitely knows who him mommy is, which makes my heart melt. So all is well, we don't go back until 6 wks, and then we start the immunizations, which I am not looking forward to.

Other than that, our trip home went well. It was kind of a quick visit. We got home late Friday afternoon. My parents had some friends over for dinner so they could meet our little man. My grandparents also got to meet Camden for the first time, which was pretty awesome. We took a picture of myself, Camden, my dad, and my grandpa. So it was 4 generations, but it was also the oldest of the oldest kids of the 4 generations, so that was neat as well. Camden likes to cuddle and the pictures were taken during his crabby/fussy time, so I was worried they weren't going to be good. My grandfather held Camden and he curled up around my grandfathers belly and was out, it was pretty funny. On Saturday, the weather sucked, so we hung out at my cousins for a few hours before we headed home. My cousin has 2 kids, 4 and 2. And she is due in 4 wks with her 3rd baby. The 2 yr old thought Camden was the greatest thing. He was such a helper, and he just wanted to hold the baby. The Easter bunny took his pacifier away 2 wks ago, so Camden's pacifier was like gold. Camden spit it out, and the 2yr old took it and told me that Camden doesn't like his pacifier and put it in his pocket. He thought he would take it, it was hilarious. Camden also had 2 blow outs while we were there and he had to help me change him both times. As Camden cried, he sang to him and patted his head saying it was okay-it was pretty priceless.

Friday night was the first time we were away from daddy, and I know it was a little weird form Justin to come home to no one being there. On Saturday, we got home before Justin came home from work. He missed us pretty bad. I had to chuckle when Justin told me that he even missed the smell of Camden's dirty diapers. Boy, have our lives changed!!!

where does the time go?

2009-04-23T10:15:00.002-05:00

I can't believe my little guy is 2 wks old already, where does the time go? I am settling into a routine. Things have been going very well. We started a night time routine with Camden. Around 9 or so, I pump a bottle, and then we wake him at 9:30 (give or take) to give him a bath. Right now he doesn't like them at all! Although he does like his hair washed, then all hell breaks lose until we get his pj's on. Justin gives him a bottle and then he out for a good 4-5 1/2 hours. It has been great! We started his last week Friday and has worked awesome. Last night was probably his worse night. He went down at 10:30, was up at 2:30 until about 4:15, and then was up again at 6:30. If that is the worst, I will take it. He is starting to be awake a little more. He goes 2-3 hrs in the morning and evening of awake time, and then brief times during feedings. Yesterday was kind of sad for me. When we brought Camden home he barely fit in any newborn stuff-it was all so big on him. Yesterday when he got up for the day, he looked like he couldn't stretch his legs out, so i put 0-3 month stuff on him and it FIT! This is awesome because i have so many cute outfits that are that size, but so depressing that he is that big already. We have his 2 wk check up tomorrow, so it will be interesting to see how big he has gotten. After his appointment we are heading to my parents for the first time. I am a little nervous to do the drive by myself, but we will survive. We are just going for the night. Camden is going to meet his Great Grandparents for the first time. I am very excited for that!

weight check

2009-04-16T20:59:00.003-05:00

Today, Camden had a weight check. He had one on Monday, and he is at 7lbs, 2 oz. So he was down 10 oz. from his birth weight. So they had me nurse him for 20 minutes to see how much he is taking in. After they rechecked it he was 7lbs, 5 oz-which means he took 3 oz in. They were shocked. So today's goal was an ounce a day since the last appointment, so hopefully around 7lbs, 8/9Oz. My little piggy weighed 7lbs, 15 oz! He has surpassed his birth weight which they wanted him at by next Friday at his 2wk check up. Everything else looks great.

We definitely have our nights and days screwed up. Last night he actually was only up once, but he hasn't been that cooperative any nights prior to that. And let me tell you, he has been sleeping all day, so tonight is going to be rough. Thank god, I can sleep tomorrow.

I am doing well. I am officially back into my pre-pregnancy clothes. It feels so good to have clothes to pick from again. Still a little sore, but only when I over do it. Other than that all is well. Hope everyone has a good weekend.

adjusting to motherhood

2009-04-12T20:22:00.004-05:00

I have now been home for two days and I am slowly adjusting to motherhood. Lets catch you up on the last few days:

Induction day:
As my husband posted, we checked in at 5:30 am, and nothing really got rolling until 8am. The resident checked me and told me that I was 2cm dilated and 50% effaced at check in. This really upset me because I was told that I was 2cm and totally effaced the day before. She also talked over some options for induction, mainly breaking my water and letting it naturally happen or using pitocin to help things out. When the on Call doctor came in, he examined me and told me that I was 3 cm and totally effaced-you can't tell me that I changed in a half hour of sitting there. Anyway, he made the decision to start pitocin and break my water all right away. So the next thing I new my water was broke and my iv was started at the lowest level. This was all started about 8am. So I hung out for a while and did some paperwork that they needed for me while I waited for the contractions to start. I really wasn't feeling much, so I decided I was going to walk the halls. So at that time my nurse increased my pitocin my one level. So I walked, and the contractions started to pick up. After a while of walking I went back to the room and sat on a birthing ball for about a half hour and them just stood swaying on the end of my bed for contractions. I knew I only had to get to 4 cm dialation for me to get the epidural, so at this point I wanted to get checked, it was about 11 am. I was checked and was 4 cm so I asked for my epidural. I had to have a full back of electrolytes before they would call for it, which took about 20-25 minuted by the time they got it and it was through my system. At this time they called for the anasteciologist to come, and they were in with someone else, so they said about 15-20 minutes. So I opted to wait for it and not take a narcotic. Needless to say that epidural never got there because I dilated so fast (4 cm-10 cm in 58 minutes.)

I pushed for a hour and ten minutes, it was hard but definitely not as bad as I thought. It makes such a difference once you can push, they just don't hurt as bad. I had some bleeding problems after the birth. Because I delivered so fast, my uterus wasn't contracting down. My uterus had to be massaged for along time, which I think was worse then the labor. They took my husband and mom out of the room into a room that was attached to do baby stuff, and so they didn't see the blood. I also had to be put back on pitocin and have some other meds administered-I was really out of it at this time because of blood loss that I really don't remember. I did have to keep my IV just in case I needed a blood transfusion, but thankfully I didn't.

I can't believe I had a baby that is 7lbs 12 oz. I was not expecting him to even hit 7lbs. Yikes. I was obviously fairly sore and still am, but I only used ibuprofen for pain. We had tons of family and friends visit. My mom was there for the birth, and was joined by my dad, sister and her boyfriend later that evening. My in laws were there just shortly after I delivered. They were actually there while I was in labor, but waiting in a waiting room. Later that night we were visited my my cousin and her husband as well. On Thursday, we had tons of visitors. At one point we had 20, yes 20 people in the room. I was a little overwhelmed at that point.

More to come...............

induction update

2009-04-08T14:39:00.007-05:00

4/8, 2:45pm

...well, Mandy went too fast. I didn't get a chance to update again before we had a son! She went from 4cm to 10cm in just an hour. Then I could see the disappointment in her face as she said, "I'm too late for an epidural aren't I?" She pushed for an hour and ten minutes and she was done! Within seconds of him being out she said, "I'm done being pregnant!" and then it turned into, "...I can't believe I did it without drugs."

We have a happy, crying, healthy, hungry baby boy. He was 19.5 inches and 7lbs 12oz and had a full head of strawberry blonde hair.

...more to come later!

Justin

induction day

2009-04-08T09:51:00.005-05:00

4/8, 10am update

Hello, this is Justin. I am the husband designated 'poster' while Mandy is trying to have our baby!

We checked in at 5:30am this morning, we had a nurse shift change and then we had some action finally at 7:45am. At that time we met Dr. Fok, he told her she was 3 cm dilated. He broke Mandy's water and started a Potosin drip. Our nurse Sarah, hooked Mandy up to the portable fetal heart monitor. We walked around the floor for awhile, and now she is sitting on the pregnancy ball.

Spirits are up, but pain from the contractions are starting to take hold.

Justin

Eviction Notice

2009-04-06T11:36:00.004-05:00

Dear Baby Torud,

This notice is in reference to the current lease agreement:
Please be advised that on March 30, 2009 you were notified of the violation with our current agreement for the following reasons:

You have vandalized your dwelling with weathering on the exterior, otherwise known as a rash called PUPPS, with uncontrollable itching and intense discomfort.
You have been reported to authorities on disorderly conduct in the middle of the night including noise violation, domestic abuse, and vandalizing of internal structures.

You, baby Torud, were notified on March 30, 2009 that if this breech of contract was not corrected you would be held in violation of this lease and forcefully removed in 9 days.

THEREFORE, YOU ARE HEREBY OFFICIALLY BEING EVICTED OF YOUR CURRENT DWELLING.

You have approximately 36 hrs to peacefully leave on your own terms or intervention will be used. Officers Cervadil, Pitocin, and Epidural will be arriving at your doorstep on April 8, 2009 at approximately 5:30 am for a thorough inspection and to ensure physical removal from the premises. Although your lease does not expire until April 15, 2009, we feel you have violated our contract, and physical removal is our only option.

Sincerely,
Your landlord
aka-your MOMMY

pupps

2009-04-03T22:18:00.003-05:00

A few more pictures, the bottom is my favorite.

So the conclusion is that it is most likely pupps, but it is not confirmed. I went to the dermatologist on Wednesday morning. She looked at it and said it definitely looked like PUPPS. The only way to get a definite conclusion is to have biopsies and blood work, but there is a catch. She needed to do 5 biopsies, 2 on the stomach, 1 around the breast, 1 on the legs, and 1 on my arms. She would actually numb me, and take a pinch of skin, and then put 2 stitches in each spot, and yes-this would leave a scar. She would not have the results back until at least next Tuesday. I also would need to have a blood test, which I had. The catch you ask-the results won't be back for at least 14 days. So after telling her that I was being induced on Wednesday morning, she agreed with me and said it really wasn't worth it. And 80% of all PUPPS cases come up inconclusive. It just doesn't make sense to put myself through that for nothing. So the last I heard she was trying to reach my doctor to tell her to induce earlier if I wanted. I haven't heard anything, so I am assuming Wednesday will be the day, unless he comes earlier. I have been terribly uncomfortable the last 2 days. Lots of braxtons and pelvic pressure. I actually came home from work early today, and I am only working a half day tomorrow. I never leave early!!! Hubby says he has to wait until 5 pm tomorrow, I just laugh. Although we are getting a terrible winter storm again tomorrow night so anything is possible!!

the end is near

2009-03-31T17:24:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was exciting, yet nerve racking at the same time. I had my appointment yesterday. Not much to update as far as progress-I was 1 1/2 cm dilated, 80% effaced. The rash I have is out of control. They sent me to the lab to have a blood test to test for PUPS (I don't know much about it) Anyway, the lab wouldn't do it because I have to fast for 8-12 hrs before the test. So I am doing it tomorrow morning. This test also takes 14 days to get the results back because they send the blood work to Mayo clinic. My doctor feels that we really won't know what this is until after the baby is born. Well, because they wouldn't do it, they are sending me to a dermatologist, which is fine. They are going to do some biopsy's in a couple of spots to determine what it may be. In the mean time I am just hanging out waiting for my next appointment or labor to kick in. That was until I got a phone call that they want to schedule me for a induction. When you ask-NEXT WEEK! So, next Wednesday I am being induced at 5:30 am. I am very scared and very excited all at the same time. Because the doctor doesn't know what is causing this rash, she doesn't want to take any chances. This could all change tomorrow as well. If the biopsies turn out bad, they are going to induce asap, otherwise next week is the day!!

Anyway, I am off to dinner with my crabby husband. Today is our 2 year wedding anniversary. I picked up our piece of crap laptop that we spend a good deal of money getting fixed, and guess what? It doesn't work. So he is been dealing with that all afternoon and is not a happy camper-I don't blame him, but what can we do? Why waste energy getting angry?

pregnancy pictures

2009-03-29T23:06:00.002-05:00

I never really put much thought into doing pregnancy photos, or should I say wasn't really interested. Anyway, my cousin talked me into it. So today, I was her guinea pig. Here are 2 of them. We took quite a few, which I will post my favorites at a later time. But for now these are the only sneak peak I get, and all of my readers get. I am so glad that I did this, so Missy that's for talking me into it!!!

I have a doctors appt tomorrow, so I will update everyone on progress. My new adventure is trying to figure out where my hives came from. I am covered in them all over my legs, stomach, and arms. Gotta love it! And they itch like crazy!!!

heartburn hell!

2009-03-27T23:02:00.002-05:00

I have it, it is so bad. I feel like I can constantly taste it. Nothing helps, tums, Rolaids, please help me!! I have tried sitting up, not eating anything remotely spicy, any suggestions out there. Any relief is well appreciated!!!! I am so miserable from it, I can't sleep, and I just want to sleep.

Believe it or not, I am still here

2009-03-25T12:13:00.002-05:00

Well, I won't make excuses, I am just lazy! Our laptop died right around my last post and is still broke. I have an old desktop that is from right around the turn of the century, and we have it set up downstairs in our basement. It is a little on the slow side and just a pain. Our basement is unfinished, cold, and just not inviting. And do I have to mention I have to sit on a card table chair as I write this, which is not the most comfortable on my bottom. So that is why I haven't updated, so I am sorry. I am going to try to do better in the next few weeks.

So, the baby updates:
I had a appt yesterday, as you all know I am going weekly now, and I don't have much progress. I am a centimeter dilated and about 50% effaced. So some progress is better than none. He is in position, which he has been since our last u/s at 32 wks (I will get to that too.) Other than that, so far total weight gain has been about 23 lbs, although I feel like a blimp. I am definitely caring straight out in front of me. I have started to swell terribly. I have been getting a lot of questions about swelling, and of coarse I responded quickly in saying "no, I have a job where I am on my feet for 9 hrs a day, and have had to problems!" Boy I should have kept my mouth shut!! About two weeks ago, we had some friends over and were sitting at a table playing cards for about 4 hrs. Well I got us to use the restroom, and could hardly walk. My legs were the same size from my knees to my toes, it was terrible, and it hurt so badly. Now, I deal with this on a daily basis. My husband has been great in giving me foot and leg rubs with ma.ma bee.s peppermint foot lotion-by bu.rts bee.s-highly recommend it, it is my only relief. I also have had to remove my wedding ring, which was a very sad day for me.

We had a U/S with our perinatologist at 32 wks, so about 5 wks ago. Everything looked great. I was so disappointed not to get any good 4d pictures again. He just doesn't sit still long enough for anyone to get any good shots. Our profile picture is even bad, although, I think we had a better tech the last time. The cp's in his head are gone, which is what is supposed to happen and his kidneys were both in normal range. They also told us that we should not need any additional follow up before or after the birth. This also includes him being whisked off to the nicu for tests, which was a big possibility. Needless to say, we were thrilled and relieved to hear that news.

The last couple of weeks have been a little crazy. Last weekend we traveled back to my in laws for the last time before the baby comes. We went back for my SIL baby shower and birthday-she is due 6 wks behind me. Her shower was beautiful. I truly hope she enjoyed every minute of it. We were also back home around February 15 for a few days for a family shower for us and just to spend a little quality time up there. It was a great weekend. Our shower was awesome-from the people that showed up, the food, gifts, everything. I couldn't have asked for a better day.

That same week I also spent some time back at my parents house. My dad is part of a organization that puts on a big fundraiser banquet that I have attended for the last 11 year. We also went and saw Wick.ed-loved it!!!!! My husband still can't get over the fact that the wicked witch of the west is not wick/ed. This is very depressing for him!! Other than that, we just hung out, did some baby shopping.

I know I am leaving a ton of stuff out, but I promise I will try to do better. Hope everyone is doing well and I will keep you posted on the events of the next 3 wks......

yuck, yuck, yuck

2009-02-11T21:32:00.003-06:00

Disgusting details, it you don't like blood, don't read:

I can't get rid of bloody noses. I have had a bloody nose everyday for the last month. It is only my left side of my nose that gets it. So far they have been tolerable, until today. I got home from work and felt like I needed to blow my nose, and it was straight blood. After blowing it is just ran down my face, nothing I did even slowed it down for about 20 minutes. Now I am afraid to blow it or sniff. It sucks. To make matters worse I keep coughing up blood from my throat from drainage, isn't that nasty. I now have to also get blood stains out of my shirt and I have splatter spots all over my bathroom and kitchen floor. Guess I will be scrubbing my floors on Saturday.

Anyway, nothing to update you on. I feel huge. The heartburn has kicked in full force. I can't sleep. I pee all night. I have extremely bad restless leg syndrome. My ribs are killing me again. I am constantly dying a thirst. Other than that life is grand!

I have two more days of work, and then I am off for about a week. I do work one day between this Saturday and next Tuesday, so one out of ten isn't bad. I need the time off, I need a break. We are heading to my in laws on Saturday, and staying until Tuesday. They are throwing us a baby shower on Sunday. I am very excited to see everyone. Due to our holidays being so rushed this year, we missed a lot of people, so hopefully we can make some of that up this week. Other than that we just plan on spending some quality family time. Hopefully I will be able to update a little more in the next couple weeks since we won't be home. Our computer (laptop) has taken a shit, and has been out of commission for the last 2-3 weeks. We finally got so frustrated we fired up my desktop from the early turn of the century. Needless to say it's just not the same. Hope everyone is doing well, sorry I am suck a bad blogger.

every two weeks

2009-02-04T14:33:00.002-06:00

We now get to go to the doctor every two weeks, I can't believe we are this far already. Yesterday, we had a normal check up. As usual, everything seemed to be great. Baby's heartbeat was in the 130's, I forgot to ask what I was measuring, but since she didn't say anything I am assuming pretty much right on schedule-maybe a little behind yet. So far I have gained 16 lbs since the start of this pregnancy-although 5 lbs were this month. They wanted me to gain 20-25 lbs, so I am right on target. Other than that the appointment was pretty uneventful as usual. The baby was moving around like crazy at the appointment which was good. He definitely has times when he is sleeping, but when he is awake he is a human pinball. It feels like when he kicks my ribs, he then bounces off my hip-it is so strange, but yet awesome. The doctor thinks he is sitting across my abdomen a little. His head is near my left hip, his butt is just above my belly button to the right and his legs are in my right side and ribs!! Good times!! Other than that heartburn has set in, and it is the most horrible thing ever. I have always has a little bit of a problem, but not like this. I wake up and can taste it-it is so disgusting! Tum.s have become my new candy!!

4 down, no more to go

2009-01-29T22:25:00.002-06:00

I passed the 3 hr again!!!! whooohooo! This time it was definitely not as bad as the last time I did the 3 hr. I wish I knew why I constantly fail the 1 hr, but pass all 4 draws on the 3 hr. I don't get it, but I am not complaining because I do not want GD! I did get the shakes really bad and wasn't feeling very good from it this time. After I came home and ate, I took a nap and that seemed to help. But I still don't quite feel myself. Nothing a good night sleep can't fix!!

almost february....

2009-01-28T11:32:00.004-06:00

I know I promised some belly pictures, but I am having a problem getting my pictures to upload, so unfortunately it is going to have to wait. This weekend I went home to my parents house. On Friday, my mom and I ran some errins, and then I went to dinner with a good friend. We went to a sushi place-don't worry I didn't eat any. OOOOhhhhhh, do I miss sushi! What I would do for a spicy tuna roll. On Saturday, my cousins little guy had a birthday party at Ch.ucky Ch.eese, so we went there for lunch and then my cousin and I went baby shopping. We did a little damage, although she did much more damage that I did. We went to some boutiques and then the typical BRU and Tar.get, and of course the mall. It was fun, I really couldn't buy anything because my mom and sister were throwing me a baby shower on Sunday. Saturday night was pretty low key, my mom made a big dinner and then we just stayed around my parents house and hung out.

On Sunday, like previously stated, my mom and sister threw me a baby shower. It was so wonderful. It was mainly family and a few close friends. My in laws even drove all the way down, just for the day, it was great. We played a few games, which were ones I had never played before, and I have been to a lot of baby showers. The first one was name that baby. It was a full sheet of baby pictures, which included everything from my husband and I, our parents, some relatives, and then famous babies (baby jack jack from the incre.dibles, maggie from the simps.ons, you get the picture.) Then we played the price is right. My sister had bought 10 things of my registry-wipes, nuks, diapers, etc. You had to price it and the person who was closest to the total won. It was interesting to see the price differences people had. Then I opened gifts. OMG we got so many wonderful gifts! I cannot get over how wonderful everyone has been and how generous people are to us and this little guy. We are some of the luckiest people I know.

After the shower we headed home to help my mom clean up and get organized, then we headed to a local pizza joint for dinner before we headed home. My in laws stayed to join us for dinner, so it was nice to have our entire immediate family there. That doesn't happened to often. Then we headed home. I was so exhausted!!! It was a great weekend, but it took me two days to recover.

On the baby: I took my glucose test last week for the 3rd time ( first-failed, second which was 3 hr-passed) and failed it again. So now I take the 3 hour test tomorrow for the second time. I do know that I failed the test worse than I did the first time I took it, so hopefully tomorrow will be okay. I do not want to have GD, I like to eat everything to much. My iron counts are still really low, although I have been on the iron pill for over a month. So we are trying another approach of how I take the pill. We are going to try to take it on an empty stomach with orange juice. We will see if that works. I will update tomorrow, hopefully I can get some pictures up soon. I will try to burn them on a disk and pull from that, maybe that will work.

nursery photos

2009-01-21T22:20:00.005-06:00

dresser and rocker

curtains my mom made

and my crib and bedding. Sorry this isn't much of a post, but I am fighting with my computer tonight, so this will be short. Obviously this is the start to my nursery. I still need to get some wall things up and I have another small piece of furniture that is being redone right now. But it is a good start! I have some 27 wk belly pictures I will put up tomorrow. Hope everyone is doing well!!

How crazy can people be?

2009-01-15T20:31:00.002-06:00

It is freaking cold outside!! Today, it was a high of 0 degrees, yes that is ZERO! And that was before the wind chill is added to that! It is crazy! So, there is one thing that really bothers me......I work in a mall, I am a store manager. Today every school within 60 miles of me was cancelled because of the weather. Because CHILDREN should not be out when it is this cold. So we opened at 10 ,and about 15 minutes later there is a couple and their kids in the mall. One of the kids was about 2, and the other was about 3 months. Now, what in the world is so important that someone has to buy it TODAY and take there children out in the cold and risk their health and in some cases lives. I just don't get it, and we see it all the time. If we get 10 inches of snow, the majority of our customers are people with strollers and little kids, if not infants. Can't they just STAY HOME for the sakes of there kids. Am I just crazy or over reacting because I am pregnant? I had these opinions before I was pregnant, but they are definitely stronger now. I just don't get it. Okay, enough complaining!

Today, my SIL found out she is having a little girl. We are so excited, for her and my BIL. My husbands parents are in heaven. They get one of each, a grandson and a granddaughter, within 6 months of each other. Yeah for us!!!

Is it over yet?

2009-01-09T10:16:00.002-06:00

this week? is it over? This has been a long week! Work has been extremely stressful for the last two days. So yes, shit did go down in my store. A managers position was eliminated. On a positive note, if there is one, she was offered another position, although it is a step down. The whole situation depresses me. She has worked really hard to get where she is, just bought a house a year ago, and now she takes a pay cut. To make matters worse there is no one hiring in the area, which I am sure is nation wide. I just want what is best for her, I just feel so bad. I am just so glad to have a job right now, I don't know what I would do if I lost mine, and being pregnant, I would be devastated. I am broke out in hives from head to toe from stress-let me tell you how attractive that looks. On the bright side at least it is mainly on my arms and legs, but it looks like I have a bad case of the chicken pox. I haven't had this happened since 2002, when a different employer I was working for, decided to close. Actually, until now, I never realized the coincidence-how strange. I have also been having really bad abdominal pains, so yesterday I finally went to the doctor. Yes, I was just there 3 days ago. After some tests and a consult, I have a bladder infection. It sucks, and hurts. So I am on some antibiotics for it. I am one of those people that hate taking drugs. I have taken more drugs in the last two years between fertility drugs, vitamins, and everything else-it is crazy.

Okay enough complaining. Great news-my crib is coming this weekend!! I am so excited to put it together and set up the nursery!!

26 wks

2009-01-07T10:37:00.002-06:00

update on appt: everything went well. I am up to 119 lbs, which is about a 10 lb weight gain since BFP. I am measuring at 24 weeks, so a little behind, but she is not concerned at all. Heartbeat was good and strong. I was given the glucose drink again to take home with me, it's orange again. I was hoping that I wouldn't have to take it again, but I was wrong! The test I took in the beginning of December was to ensure wasn't diabetic to start with, this time it is to make sure I am not starting to get gestational diabetes. So at 28 weeks, I will have to take the one hour test again. As my nurse told me, "I will probably fail it, and have to take the 3 hr test again-no big deal!" I could have cried. A part of me feels like if they are that confident that I am going to fail, lets just start with the 3 hr, but then again I don't want to have to do it if I don't have to. I will also have my iron levels checked again to see if the iron supplement is helping, which I don't know if it is because I am still so exhausted. We also got some information on blood cord donation, which I don't think we are going to do. And we got a list of my OB's recommendations of a pediatrician so we can make a appointment of who we want to see and have a meet and greet. From here we go back in 4 weeks and then we start we start going every two weeks-yikes did that sneak up on me.

We signed up for our birthing class this week. We are taking that on Feb. 21, it is an all day Saturday class. The hospital I will be delivering at only offers a one day class, which I would much rather do than go to a two hr class for 4 weeks.

I am dreading going to work today. There are some major changes that are happening in my company. A lot of jobs are being eliminated. My boss will be at my store today, which means I am going to find out what changes are happening to my store, which are in return effective today. I am scared shitless. I have been told that my job is not effected, which makes me feel a little better. But I genuinely care about that people that work for me and hate to see anything happen to them. I don't know if it salary cuts, job cuts, or what the changes are. I also have a manager that gave me notice a couple of weeks ago, so she is done at the end of the month. If this goes bad, I could be the only member of management by the end of the month. What makes this worse is I am so tired, and I know I am going to have to step it up, and I feel like I don't have the energy. Can I just go back to bed, and pretend today never has to happen?

scarey

2009-01-04T18:10:00.004-06:00

holy man, we are at 100 days to our due date. I can't even believe it. I remember when I first found out we were pregnant and I posted the ticker, I think it was around 220 days. A due date seemed so far in the distance, now it feels like it is just around the corner at times.

We ordered our bedding months ago. When it came, in we went to hang the window valence and we couldn't get a rod up because the window is to close to the wall. So my mom took them home to attach to a board and then put them up. Little did I know the two valences didn't match-I was a little upset. When you pay that kind of money you would think they would match. They didn't match horizontally or vertically. And the boutique that I ordered it from were great, but the manufacture wasn't as helpful. So we decided to make our own valence out of them. My mom did a great job-it turned out super cute. I will post a picture as soon as I have the rest of my furniture and more of the nursery set up.

Tomorrow is my next appointment. I don't know why, but I get really nervous the day before a appointment. I hate it, I get anxious that I am going to hear something bad, although this is just a routine appointment. I will be curious to see how much weight I gained this month. I feel like all I did was eat, eat, and eat some more.

24 wk pictures

2008-12-30T21:08:00.005-06:00

I have been slacking in the update department. First of all, here are my 24 wk belly shots. I am getting bigger......Don't mind the pj's.

I also have another good shot. At Dh's family Christmas there were 3 of us pregnant. His cousin's wife Robyn is due on March 21, me due on April 15, and Jenna his sister (my SIL) is due on may 30th:
It will very nice to have all of our kids so close in age.

the new black friday

2008-12-26T21:41:00.002-06:00

Work was a zoo today! We were definitely busier than black Friday. I am glad it is over. Hopefully tomorrow won't be as busy. I am exhausted, does it ever end? The thought of having 3 days off next week excites me very much. Nothing new on the baby front. I go for my next appointment on January 4. I am hoping for a extremely uneventful appointment. I feel that I have had plenty of excitement in November and December to not need any of it this month. I am tired and rambling, so I am going to go to bed. I will write more tomorrow when I can actually form sentences that make sense and sound like an adult is writing them.

I am a bad blogger!!

2008-12-19T09:27:00.002-06:00

First of all, my computer sucks. For those of you that use the reader, mine won't load. I have cleaned out my cache and cookies, and still nothing! Any other suggestions? So, I've barely been able to read updates, much less comment on other peoples blogs. We are still working on it. Work has been crazy. It's the holidays, I work retail, so this isn't a shock. But with the economy, it's even harder. And to make matters harder, I have a cold from hell. I have no air movement in my nose. I know it sounds gross, but I can't breathe. I constantly feel like I need to blow it, but nothing comes out, yet it's running. I am miserable!! I look like Rudolf, my nose is red and kind of scabby from tissue.

This morning I woke up to 9 inches of snow on the ground, yes folks 9 inches. And it is not supposed to stop until around noon, by then we will have around a foot. We were supposed to open this morning at 9 am, and the store is opening at noon instead. I have no idea how people are going to get to work much less to the malls. The roads are barely plowed. We are supposed to get another storm tomorrow night, and then again on Tuesday. Thank god we have a snow blower. As I write, the plows just went by and the pile at the end of my drive way is at least 3 1/2 to 4 feet tall. I am praying that my neighbors do a good deed for the day and plow or shovel me out, because that is not something I can do at this point. If not, I guess I won't be going to work until my Husband gets home and digs me out.

On the baby front, things haven't really changed. I am still having a lot of problems with my rib cage. My neighbor is a physical therapist, and she had been working on stretching them. It has helped dramatically, but the problem isn't something that is going to go away. Her main goal for me it to make it bearable, which for the most part is working. But I can't sit for extended periods of time. I am a little nervous because we have tickets for the Wisconsin/Texas game on Tuesday and I really want to go, but don't know if I will be able to get through it. I am fine when laying down or standing, it is just sitting that bothers me. I also feel him a lot more, and all over my abdomen. I was only feeling him in my lower abdomen in the beginning, and I also know that my uterus wasn't that long. Now, he is all over the place. I also feel him standing, sitting, laying, it really doesn't matter. Before, I was only feeling him if I was laying or sitting. I am still really tired, I am assuming the anemia is a big cause of that. And then you compound my cold and my job with that and that spells e-x-h-a-u-s-t-i-o-n!

We are getting ready to travel this weekend for some holiday celebrations. On Saturday night we head to my family's house to spend a few days. I will be working on Sunday and then that night we will celebrate Christmas with my mom's side of the family and my immediate family later that night. It is kind of weird to me to be celebrating before Christmas, but we will enjoy it. Then later on Monday we will head back home for a few days. On Christmas eve we will head up to Dh's parents house to spend the holidays with them. Both Dh and I have to work the day after Christmas, so unfortunately we won't be able to stay anywhere to long. We both dream about having "normal" 8-5 jobs someday, when we can actually enjoy the holidays!! Actually I thing it bothers him more than me. I grew up with parents that worked holidays, so I don't know any better, and my job is pretty cushy!!

I changed my background, yet again. I was getting some complaints that it was hard to read. So for those of you that don't use google reader and actually go to my page let me know if this is better. In case I don't get back on here before the festivities, I hope you all have a great and safe holiday. I know I have so much to be thankful this season!!!

finally some good news!!

2008-12-10T15:36:00.003-06:00

I took the dreaded 3 hrs glucose test today. I got there around 8:30 this morning, already starving. I was trying to figure out how I was going to do this. I started fasting the night before around 7 pm. They took the first blood draw. Then I got to drink the famous sugar syrup. Now, the first time I did this, I got to take the orange flavored drink home and keep it in our refrigerator. All of the nurses and techs told me over and over how much better it is cold, and of coarse just easier to get down. So to my surprise, the tech goes into a cupboard and pulls out a clear, but warm drink. I instantly gave her the look of death. She asked me if there was something wrong-YES, I AM HERE, IT'S 8:30, IT'S MY DAY OFF, I AM HUNGRY, THIRSTY, DID I MENTION A LITTLE PREGNANT! But I nicely said no. She then told me start drinking and they would start the timer as soon as I was done. So I opened the glass container and started to drink. I also got up to go into the waiting room, but was stopped quickly. The Tech informed me I had to drink the whole thing in front of her. Okay, no big deal. The drink was so thick and was warmer than room temperature-I could have puked. The flavor of the day was lemon lime. Now, I would say that it tasted better than the orange, but it needed to be cold!!! And it didn't help that the tech stared at me as she tapped her pen against the table, and took a glance at the clock every few minutes. I finished as was sent into the waiting room. Now keep in mind my ribs and back hurt like hell after sitting for about 30 minutes. And I was told I could not walk around because that would speed up the digestion of the liquid. It SUCKED!! They took blood every hours for the next three hours. My left arm is shot! I look like a drug addict with needle tracks! I couldn't wait to get the hell out of there. Well I am glad it is over. But the best part of it is I passed all 4 blood draws, all of them were with in normal range!! YIPPEE!! But they did find that I am anemic, so I was put on a iron supplement. Can 't wait for that constipation!!! But hell, if that is the worst of it, so be it, bring on the hemorrhoids!!

perinatology appointment

2008-12-08T18:17:00.007-06:00

Here is what I have for a update:

We met with the genetic counselor this morning at 10:30. The Choroid plexus cyst information I had was about half true. They don't really relate it to trisomy 21, down syndrome, they feel that there is not strong enough evidence to correlate the two. But they do relate it to trisomy 18, which is Edwards syndrome. If it was a isolated case, our chances are around 1/432, if it is not isolated than it would 1/92. The kidney problem is called hydronephrosis, which is fluid in the kidney. This problem is related to downs. Once again the normal range is between 1-4mm, we measured at 5mm on our last ultrasound. By 32 weeks the normal range is 5-10mm. With having a boy they didn't' seem quite as concerned about the slightly higher range. With what they found originally my chances were 1/510, with my age it dropped to 1/200. If they found other "markers" then my chances fell to 1/92. At this point my mind was a little over whelmed with numbers so basically if there were other markers for any of the above my chances were 1/92 if there were none they are 1/432. DO YOU HAVE ALL THAT??

We went into our u/s and she did the pictures she needed with my bladder full-let me tell you how unpleasant that was. In fact one of her first comments to me was "wow, your bladder is really full" NO SHIT!! That part took about 15 minutes. At one point she was scanning my lower belly and the baby kicked really hard. I jumped a mile! She asked me if I was okay, and I told her the baby kicked and I thought I was starting to pee my pants. Her and Dh got a pretty good laugh out of that, I on the other hand couldn't laugh or I would have pee'd my pants. After that I got to go to the bathroom. When I came back she scanned more structural parts, hands, feet, legs, etc. Both Dh and I had heard a lot about hands, so we kept looking for fists, which is not a good sign. She also spent a lot of time on the feet, which scared us to death. After all that fun was over, she switched to 4d and got a few good shots. Then we waited for the Doctor.

The doctor came in and reviewed the results. She looked at the the kidney's first. In her opinion, she didn't feel that it was anything to get to concerned about. Next the cyst. As she explained it is very small, only one, and really didn't seem to concerned about that either. What she really wanted to see is if there were other markers such as heart problems, hands, feet- and there were none. In fact she said the heart was beautiful-she couldn't have asked for it to be better. At this point we could breathe. As she stated, there is still a chance, but very small. Normally they want patient back in 2-4 wks and doesn't want to see us for 12 wks. So I don't go back until 32 wks, and that is just to double check everything. I was instructed to just try to enjoy my pregnancy and not to worry. So now we wait, and try to get back to truly enjoying this together. So I leave you with a few pictures:

I couldn't get this to rotate but it is 4d profile shot

This one is has the baby covering his face up, but you can clearly see the nose and lips

profile, normal u/s

This is the original u/s 2 weeks ago

can I just get 1 break

2008-12-04T11:54:00.002-06:00

I FAILED the glucose test. You have to be below 139 and I scored a 141. So next week, I will be spending another day at the clinic for a 3 hr test. I have to show up at 8:30, get a blood draw, then drink and have my blood drawn ever hour, for three hours, afterward. I am thrilled let me tell you!! And this time I do have to fast for 12-14 hrs before hand, the only thing I am allowed is water. I think this will be the worst part of it because I am always hungry!

I also got more info on my u/s. The information that they gave me is a choroid plexus cyst which I described on the previous post. The other thing that was found is prominent bilateral renal pelvices. To my understanding this is enlarged kidneys. The normal range is up to 4mm, and the baby's were 5mm. So it is a slight enlargement, the info I can find it is more common in baby boys. There is not a lot of info out there about this that I can understand. It is supposedly another "soft marker" for downs, but I don't know what is true and what isn't' anymore. So much of the information out there is 10 years old, which doesn't reassure the accuracy since I have found a lot of conflicting information. My doctor this morning wasn't overly concerned. As she stated, she can't tell me not to worry because there is risks, but in most cases she has seen, it has turned out to be nothing. That is great news, but any mother would worry. She did go over the rest of the test results which all seemed to be normal. In fact we were in the 80th percentile or above in everything but leg size. The leg size was in the 50th percentile, which is still normal. That is all I know for now.

I wish I could say I am more at ease, but I am not. I do know there is nothing I can do until next week so it doesn't pay to work myself up. I am just trying to keep my mind busy. I just wish it was Monday already.

why me?

2008-12-02T11:18:00.001-06:00

I know that I am not the only one that seems to have struggles in there lives, but I don't get why everything has to be so hard. Why do some people get to have children so easily and others have to try so hard.

On Monday, I received a phone call regarding the results of our ultrasound last week. I wasn't able to get a hold of anyone that day, so I finally got the results yesterday. Apparently the baby has a choroid plexus cyst on his brain. We are being refered to a perinatoligist for further testing and treatment. So far the only information I have about it is this:

The second trimester ultrasound examination (sonogram) will sometimes identify a cyst or cysts in the choroid plexus. The choroid plexus is a tissue in the brain that produces cerebrospinal fluid. Fluid-filled cysts, called choroid plexus cysts or CPCs, are identified by ultrasound in approximately 1-2% of all pregnancies scanned between 16 and 24 weeks gestation. In the majority of cases, CPCs disappear by the 28th week of pregnancy with no effect on the baby. However, a fetal CPC is considered a “marker”, indicating that the baby may have an increased risk for a chromosome abnormality. When observed as an isolated ultrasound finding in women under 35 years of age, the risk for trisomy 18 is increased, but remains low (less than 1%). The risk is higher for women age 35 or older. Additional abnormal ultrasound findings significantly increase the risk for trisomy 18 .

On Thursday, I go for my 20 week Dr's appointment. At this point we will get a little bit more information with what we are dealing with. I am not expecting them to be a big help because as we talked yesterday on the phone they weren't able to give me a lot of info. They more or less read literature that they had in front of them and told me I can ask the perinatologist more questions and they would be able to give me more answers. They warned me to stay away from the Internet, because there is to much information that will only upset me and make me worry more. In some sense I agree with that, but how can you expect a couple to wait a week before getting more information on their unborn child. I am extremely annoyed that it took them a full week to call me and give me this information, although I don't think I would have wanted it any earlier since I have to wait to see the perinatologist. We go see them next Monday. We meet in the morning with a genetic counselor for a hour then we will have a level 2 ultrasound, which is all done in 4D. They will do the same ultrasound they did last week, but they will be looking in more detail for abnormalities which would be markers for trisomy 18 and 21. At this point, if they find some abnormalities we will have the option of having a amnio or just waiting it out-boy aren't those great options.

Needless to say I am a mess, it is just one more thing for me to worry about. I went from being on cloud nine, to not wanting to even get out of bed. I am numb, I wanted to do some baby stuff yesterday-scrapbook, finish my registry, etc-and I couldn't bring myself to even think about it. I am just devastated. I know I have to stay positive and relax, but that is so hard to do. I am not a patient person, so the waiting game is going to kill me. Yesterday, I also took my first glucose test. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but I was on a total sugar high and couldn't stop crying from the results of u/s, so I felt as though I was going to have a heart attack.

So I am asking anyone that reads this to please pray for us and our little one. I believe in the power of prayer and right now we need them. Also if you know anyone that has experienced this please comment or email me about your experience. I know this is fairly common (1/100) so there has to be others out there that have been through this. Thanks for your support!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

2008-11-27T07:05:00.001-06:00

This thanksgiving I have so much to be thankful for"

First, and most importantly, I am thankful for my husband. He is amazing!! If you would have asked me 4 years ago, if I would be married ,I would have laughed. He is the most kind, sincere, gentle man I have ever met in my life. We connect on a level beyond my wildest dreams. He treats me like a queen. I thank my lucky stars everyday!! I am one of the luckiest girls to have such a wonderful man!

Second, I am thankful for my family. I come from a big family and I married into one. I have the most wonderful relationship with my mother and sister-they are my best friends! I can't imagine my life without them. I also love my in laws to death, they have been incredibly supportive through out our journey. But it doesn't' stop there. I have the most wonderful cousins who I have grown up with. They are more like sisters to me than cousins. They have been through it all with me, and that started back in my teens. They rock!!

And finally, I am so thankful that we are finally pregnant. Sometimes, I have to pinch my self to realize that this isn't a dream! A part of me doesn't know where to start with this subject. I am thankful for the RE's office. That our doctors gave us the expertise to give us the opportunity to be where we are. But most of all, the compassion the staff and doctors gave us along the way. We never had the horror stories others have had. They gave us what ever we needed and then some. And I will never forget the generosity of them giving us our fertility drugs to help us financially. We have insurance, although it doesn't pay for any type of fertility, so anything helps. And the cost of drugs could have killed us. I love them and would aways thank them for this miracle. I don't know if they will ever know the true effect they have on other people lives. I can't believe that 1 year ago, i was crying every night that this wasn't working. I never thought I would never have a child, at least not my own biological children. We are now officially 20 weeks, half way there. And we are having a baby boy. What a miracle!

NEWS BREAK!

2008-11-26T08:13:00.000-06:00

IT'S A BOY

more info to follow......have to leave for work.

not today

2008-11-24T20:24:00.002-06:00

My u/s was not today....... but according to the poll, the majority of people think we are having a girl! I wish I could say I had a feeling. I have a feeling it is a boy, but I think that is only because I want a girl. But once again, I will be happy with either or.

So the new thing is rib pain. My rib cage feel likes like it is going to pop. It sucks. I have also started to have this nose problem. It's stuffed and runny and annoying. I feel good otherwise. I feel the baby all the time. Hubby can also feel it alot. It's not real strong on the outside, but you can definitely feel it. Most people seem surprised that he can feel already. I think it is because prior to being pregnant, I was pretty thin. Or maybe we just have a really strong baby!!

exhausted

2008-11-23T20:19:00.001-06:00

I am so tired! Pure exhaustion! I have 3 days of work until a day off, and it seems so far away. We have our u/s this week-we are so excited!!! Will write more soon, to tired to type!

18 wk belly shots

2008-11-17T18:05:00.003-06:00

Not a whole lot of change since the last time. I am all belly so far, and hoping to stay that way. Wouldn't that be nice. I have no idea how much I have gained. I know not a lot of my pants fit anymore, still able to fit in most of my shirts as long as they are long. My ribs and tail bone hurt all the time. From what I have heard, this is not going to get any better if it already bothering me. I can deal with the tail bone, but the ribs-it feels like someone is grabbing under each one and pulling out. Almost like they could pop, it hurts!! Other than that, I feel great (knock on wood.) I am sleeping a little better.

My MIL called me with the steal of the week. Tar.get had 2 brit.ex car seats clearanced at 80% off. It was a $280 seat for 42.99 and 62.99 depending on what one you got. We ordered 3. One for DH and I, and one for my mom. My MIL ordered one, and SIL ordered 2. I got the call around 8:00 that they were online, and by 9:15 they were out of stock.

My SIL also announced publicly last week that she is expecting at the end of May. We have actually known for a couple of weeks, but couldn't tell anyone. We are very excited for her, she has dreamed of being a mom since she was a very little girl. It will be nice having children very close in age. I grew up with my cousins being my best friends, and they still are til this day. I can only hope that our children will have close relationships with their cousins and family growing up.

Just a reminder, if you haven't voted, our u/s is very soon--what will it be??

_______________________________________________________________

Update: Tar.get sucks! They canceled my order because THEY were incorrectly priced. In my retail world, they should have to honor that price. I was so excited!!!! Now, I am bummed!

reality

2008-11-12T22:39:00.002-06:00

Dear baby,

Up until now, you have been distant dream of mine. You have been something I have wanted so badly. Although you weren't created the "old fashion way", you were created out of more love than I could have ever imagined. I was told you were growing inside of me about 12 weeks ago, but it didn't seem real. I felt as if it were a dream, some distant reality. I saw your little head and body when you were 6 wks old. Seeing your heartbeat was the miracle I had dreamed of. But with all of that ,it still didn't seem real. I didn't feel good and my waist line has changed, but my life remained the same, until a few days ago.........

My life has changed, again! I feel you moving and letting me know your there. You will never know the emotions that go through my body every time I feel you. Just writing this brings tears to my eyes. I never thought I could love someone without even knowing them. But, I am falling head over heals in love with you more and more each day, each kick. It is a miracle I will never take for granted, in fact, I thank god everyday for giving us this gift. In a few short weeks, I will get to see you again, and how much you've grown and changed. We will also find our if you are our daughter or son. Either way we will love you the same. Your daddy and I can't wait to meet you in a short 5 months. In the mean time, stay warm and cozy, and grow big and strong. And if you don't mind, let me know your there as much as you want, although I may regret asking you that as you become a teenager.

I love you so very much,
your mommy

Movement

2008-11-10T13:57:00.002-06:00

I am pretty sure I felt something 2 days ago. Now, keep in mind I have no idea what I am expecting to feel. I have felt weird "fluttering" here and there, but nothing that would have stopped me in my tracks and make me think it was the baby. In all honesty I thought it was either a muscle switch or gas. My body has had the most bizarre sensations and feeling in the last 4 months, so who knows. The other day i was sitting on our chair in the living room watching TV and out of no where it was like someone had hit me in my lower stomach, from the inside. It wasn't like it hurt, but it was just not the fluttering feeling everyone has told me to look for. It was more of a flick, like if someone were to lightly flick your ear. I stopped and pushed lightly on my stomach and 2 seconds later it happened again. It wasn't hard enough to feel on the outside. It was cool, that is if I really did feel our baby. If not I am on crack and have some serious gas!! I can't say I have really felt it since, but I have heard in the beginning it is normal not to feel it everyday. So we will see.

Other than that, life is pretty uneventful. I started cheating and have been sorting Christmas decorations. I even started putting a few things up in our house. If I wasn't having Thanksgiving here for my family, I would probably have my tree up already. I know it is a little early, but I work retail and I don't have time or the desire to do anything after Thanksgiving. We are way to busy and I am to tired when I get home. And this year it is the shortest time frame between Thanksgiving and Christmas, only 4 weekends in between. (Personally I think this in wonderful! the shorter the better.) I shouldn't feel to bad, there are actually a few people on our street that have their Christmas lights on their house and they have been turning them on at night. I

was trying to get DH to put up my lights last weekend-don't worry I won't be turning them on until thanksgiving. It was in the 60's and beautiful outside. He chose not to, and now he wants to get them up and today is a high of 27 degrees, with a wind chill of 18. Maybe he should have listened to me last weekend when I told him to take advantage of the nice whether instead of doing it in the cold. But what do wives know?!?!?

another day of paradise

2008-11-03T21:23:00.003-06:00

We had our 17 wk appt today. Everything went well as usual. Heartbeat was at 150 bpm, just where she wanted it to be. I still have to take the glucose test at 20 wks, which I am not looking forward to at all. On the bright side, I get to eat before I drink as long as it doesn't have sugar in it. So I don't have to starve myself like I thought I did. I got to schedule my u/s for this month and I am so excited to find out what we are having. And the icing on the cake....I got my flu shot. I am still not feeling any movement. There are some days I think I might feel something, but it's probably nothing but gas. I still only have a little bump. I will post pictures soon again.

We went in voted today, did a absentee ballet. I thought we would wait forever, but it wasn't as bad as I thought. We only had to wait 1 hr. I am so glad we got to vote today, because I wouldn't get to vote until after 5 tomorrow night, and who knows how log the lines would have been then.

Happy Halloween!!

2008-10-31T20:04:00.003-05:00

Tonight we gave candy away at work and had over 1200 pieces of candy gone in less than 1 hour. It was crazy. And that was only giving 1 piece to every child under the age of 12. I was kneeling down talking to this little girl and she goes to her mom "Mommy, looks this lady is dressed up like she has a baby in her belly!" I thought I was going to pee my pants. I told her I did have a baby in my belly, and she looked at me with such disappointment and said "so you aren't dressed up." I had to tell her no, and she walked away. It was hilarious. I am a terrible with Halloween. I figured I would have to work all night, so I didn't get any candy for our house. Guess what, I was done by 6 and had a street full of kids. We ended up going to the store and getting 3 bags which lasted us about an hour. I didn't even carve pumpkins this year, which I always do. Well, I shouldn't say that. Last weekend when we had friends in town, they decided to carve my biggest pumpkin at 4 in the morning. Lets put it this way, if we would have lit it, most of our neighbor would have been checking us online for our names on some Sexual predator site. The pumpkin has a very large male body part carved into it. Thank god Halloween is over! a I can now start getting ready for the holidays. I am one of those people that decorate there house way to early. I work retail and that is the last thing I want to worry about once the week before Thanksgiving is here. I am not totally psychotic, I don't put my tree up until Thanksgiving night.

On the baby front, I have a doctors appt on Monday. I am sure it will be pretty uneventful. I am hoping I can get my flu shot while I am there. We also get to schedule our u/s when we go in. That is very exciting.

ps. check the poll out on the left part of blog

time to vote

2008-10-28T19:43:00.002-05:00

I added a poll, whether or not it's a boy or a girl, to the left side of my blog. I will be having my u/s in the next month and we are finding out the sex of this little bean. I will not be posting when the u/s is, or will be telling anyone when it is. But I will post the news as soon as we find out. So go ahead and give me your opinion. I personally have no idea, or intuition, of what I am having. Either way, it's a miracle we in the position we are, and we are truly thankful!!

hiccups

2008-10-23T22:44:00.003-05:00

I have never been one to get the hiccups. I never got them in college when I drank or any other time of my life. I seriously think the last time I remember having them was probably grade school. I have them all the time since I got pregnant. It's not like I get them for 10 minutes, I just get 2 or 3 at a time and then they go away. It starts in the morning when they wake me up. No kidding, they literally wake me up. I will get them randomly until I eat and then they go away. But only for a while. It seems like when I get hungry I get them-they are so annoying. What makes it even worse is sometimes they sneak up on me, and it is loud, I can't control it. I sound like a drunk!

Nothing to new here. I am starting to revert to having a hard time sleeping. I have a hard time falling asleep at night, and then I can't get up in the morning. It's not that i can't get comfortable, I just can't fall asleep.

My mom is coming down with my aunt early next week to paint my two spare rooms. One is being converted to a nursery and the other is where company sleeps. I am painting the Nursery butter cream (a light yellow.) I have actually bought my bedding already. You can see it here. I wanted to paint the room a light green, but I think that is to masculine if we have a girl, and I don't want to have to repaint. My mom would kill me. It is also a smaller room with only 1 window, so I think the yellow will keep it from feeling to small.

We are also getting company this weekend. Some of our friends from CA and MN are coming as well as my sister. They all went to college together. My dh was room mates with one of the guys from CA when I met him. And my sister went to college with the rest of them-kind of weird, I know. Anyway we are planning to go to dinner tomorrow, then the badger game on Saturday. After the game I am heading to my parents house so the rest of them can drink themselves into a stupor without my judgement. Actually this is a little harsh-I am going to my parents because it is homecoming and they are planning to stay at the bars for a good part of the day. I have no interest doing this, to me there is nothing worse. If I wasn't pregnant I would be game for this kind of behavior once in a while, but not at this time. So I am going to go home and hang out with the rents-go to dinner, do some shopping, and visit my munchkins. I will have a lot more fun doing that then staying home getting pissed off about being the smart sober one.

Everyone is pregnant

2008-10-17T22:07:00.004-05:00

I am not even kidding! I went to a meeting yesterday with the rest of my district. There are 9 of us-I am due April 15, my friend H is due April 19, and another friend S is due May 9. So 3 of us will be out for 12 wks. I thought my boss was going to fall over. In my location at work, I have 2 managers, and 9 employees. Out of the 12 people that work there, 4 of them are pregnant. One due 1/27, 2/24/4/15, and 4/22, so once again no one will be working much. HOLY HORMONES! The one good thing is the one due on 2/24 and I are the only one taking a full 12 wks. I also have another person that I am very close to due 6 wks after me. HOLY SHIT. I don't know if it has always been like this or if I am just noticing it more. But it is kind of crazy.

So I finally added my 14 wks belly shot. I wish I had a 12 but, I really got a bump in the last 2 wks. It is pretty noticeable with most of the clothes I wear, and I did have a employee ask today it I am gaining weight. Needless to say she doesn't have much tact, so the secret is out!!

14 wks belly

Now you can see why I had to start talking, there really was no way I could hide it anymore!!

2nd trimester

2008-10-15T17:43:00.003-05:00

I am officially 14 wks today! Yeah!! We are officially starting our 2nd trimester, and I am officially starting to feel like a rock star. I have felt so much better the last few days, I almost don't recognize myself. I don't even remember feeling this good before I got pregnant. I have energy again, I am hungry, the nausea is for the most part gone, I even stayed up past 10:30 the last couple nights! And the best part is I have one week left of metformin, and only have to take it once a day for that week!! I am so ready to not take that anymore. Hopefully my glucose will regulate it's self out again. I am also coming clean about being pregnant tonight to my co-workers. I am having a dinner party for my district since everyone is in town for meetings tomorrow (don't worry it is only about 13 people.) One of my co workers is about 4 days behind me and everyone has known about her since she was about 5 wks. I am sure she will be talking about it tonight, and I really can't hide it anymore because I don't look like I used to.

And my camera problems are gone. We did have to get a new one, again! But we got a great deal and it has all the options I want. So I will get 14 wk pictures up ASAP. I have to download the new software and then I will post.

On a personal level, if you could go visit Sara, she was taken to labor and delivery yesterday. She has had a really rough pregnancy and could use a hug.

Camera's suck!

2008-10-14T11:17:00.002-05:00

I don't think me and DH should be allowed to own a camera. We were on vacation 2 wks ago and had it with us, obviously taking pictures all week. I went to charge it last week and turned it on, and the screen is shot. Nothing comes up, I am so mad. We have no idea what happened to it. This is the 3rd camera in 2 years, the first 2 we lost traveling and moving, and then found one of them after we bought the 3rd. It sounds like it will cost us more to fix the thing, than to buy a new one. So once again we don't have a working camera. So those pictures I was promising, it will be a while. It also makes me mad because I have a pregnancy scrapbook that I am doing and want to track my belly pictures, which is also not going to happen. So today we are going camera shopping. I need one before next weekend because we have a lot of friends coming from MN and CA to stay with us and go to some sporting events. I have to have a camera for that. I really want to wait until the black Friday deals (day after thanksgiving) but do not have the patients. Will update more later, gotta go shopping!!

weening

2008-10-08T21:34:00.002-05:00

Today I got to start weening from my metformin. I have been taking 1500 mg since January. This is the drug that regulated my insulin levels so I would have the normal chances of miscarriage, without the drug I have a 40% chance of m/c due to PCOS. So starting today, I only have to take 2 pills for the next week, and then 1 pill for a week, then I am done. I am thrilled only because I have the hardest time remembering to take it 3x a day. Sometimes I would forget and have to set my alarm for the middle of the night just to get the dose in-it has sucked. Needless to say I am happy to have to worry about one less thing.

I am no longer skinny, I officially am starting to have a little belly. It is a little weird. I will start taking belly shots every two weeks and post. I have one from 12 wk, but haven't uploaded it yet. I will get it up soon.

intuition

2008-10-03T10:26:00.002-05:00

I have no intuition of what I am having. I have had people ask me if I think I am having a girl due to the fact my blog is pink? I have no idea, I haven't had any boy/girl dreams or anything. Now, I would love a little girl, but just as much as a little boy. So we are changing the background of my blog to be more festive. Yes, I will be finding out what we are having, but that is not until the end of November, early December, so until then fall will have to do.

We are enjoying our vacation. I can't say we have done a whole lot. On Wednesday we went to visit DH's cousin who is battling cancer. Due to her counts being low, she wasn't able to have chemo this week which sucks, but on the plus side she looked great and felt good. We enjoyed our day, we went for lunch and then she took us to some of the bluffs around the Mississippi-they are beautiful this time of the year. Otherwise we just hung out. That night we headed toward my in laws and have been here since. It has been very relaxing!!

Obviously we are telling people are news now, but DH and I are a little uncomfortable with the attention. So instead of us telling people we decided Dh's mom could have more of the honor. We made her a shirt that says:

What should my name be?
Grandma T
Grandma R
Nammer (which is a name Dh used to call his grandmother-his mom's mother)
and then ps.did I tell you I am going to be a grandma.

So this weekend should be fun and exciting. Hope everyone has a great weekend!!

12 wk appt

2008-09-30T09:15:00.002-05:00

we had our 12 wk yesterday and got to hear the heart beat, it was pretty cool. It was around 160, which is perfect. I was terrified to go to this appt. I just can't get past the idea that I am pregnant, and the fear of something happening. I was almost making myself sick thinking about it, which I know has not been healthy. I can honestly say I feel better now that we heard a hb and that I am 12 wks this week. I am still feeling a crappy, headaches have been terrible. I have never gotten them this bad before. I feel that I can finally take a sigh of relief and get excited about being pregnant. We have started telling people now, it's kind of weird actually saying it out loud. It still doesn't feel real.

On a personal note we are officially on vacation and it is wonderful. I spent Saturday cleaning my house-I had a burst of energy to clean. I also baked some apple pies, my house smelled wonderful. Sunday and Monday we went to Chicago to visit some friends. We are now back home and heading to my in laws tomorrow. It is just a nice relaxing week. Today we are going to pick apples at a orchard and get some pumpkins. The temperature has finally dropped into the 50-60's here and it is finally starting to feel like fall. In the last few days the leaves have finally started to turn colors. I love it, although I am not looking forward to winter.

psychotic nerve

2008-09-19T10:17:00.002-05:00

Yes, I know it's sciatic, but it's making me psychotic! I am having terrible problems with my sciatic nerve. It started about 3 weeks ago. I talked to my RE about it when it first started and he told me to sleep on the opposite site as the pain, that worked for a week. Then I asked my OB, and she told me that we all experience aches and pains when were pregnant and that we aren't going to worry about it unless I feel it in my toes?!?!?!?! What kind of answer is that. I talked to my neighbor last week, she is a physical therapist, and she gave me some stretches to do, and told me if it got worse to come and see her and she would work with me at home. Yesterday, I could barely walk. It is the sharpest pain down my left butt cheek. The pain goes down to about the middle of my thigh. It SUCKS! Nothing works, and it doesn't help that I can't get comfortable when I sleep and depending on how I lay it seems to make it worse. Today it seems to be a little better, I can get out of the bed and off the couch without acting like and old lady. I am hoping that this gets better soon, my fear is that is going to continue to get worse as I get bigger.

By the way, did I mention I am 10 weeks as of yesterday. I can't tell you how excited I am that this 1st trimester is almost over. I am ready to be able to talk about it, tell people I am expecting. And maybe tell more people about our experience with IF and that there is hope. I am feeling pretty good. I have been having some nauseous bouts again this week, but nothing that I can't handle. I still haven't experienced the exhaustion that I have heard the 1st trimester brings, but I don't know if that is because I have been sleeping anywhere from 8-10 hrs a night, which is totally not like me. I am a 6-7 hr a night kind of girl. I was tired in the sense that I just wanted to lay on the couch and do nothing when I got home for about 3 wks. But I never felt the need to sleep or take a little nap. I am still scared to death to go to the doctor in a week in a half. I am afraid of bad news, and I know there is still the risk of loss and that scares me to death. I hate going to the doctor ever 4-5 wks, I miss the weekly visits so much. Sometimes I miss not being "normal."

boring week

2008-09-16T22:11:00.002-05:00

I wish I could report something exciting but not much has been going on this week. My husband has returned to normal. The flu bug only really lasted that day, in fact, by the time I got home from work that day he was better. I still was extremely paranoid all week, but still feel good. We have been catching up on house work and getting ready for fall-I know it sounds exciting. I have been working a lot. This week is also a busy week, so I have been laying low at home because I have been tired. I am having a hard time with not going to the doctor all the time. I feel like I need the reassurance that this is real. My OB did give me the option to come in at 10 weeks to see if we could hear the heart beat, but I figured what is another week or two. Especially if we didn't find it, then I would freak out even more. I am kind of wishing I would have scheduled it but guess I will have to wait. I go back for my next appointment two weeks from yesterday.

I am really excited, I only have a week in a half of work left and I am on vacation for a week and a half. Hubby and I are going to do nothing besides enjoy each other. We are going to go and see some family and friends. I think we are spending the first week in Chicago with some friends and then midweek we are heading to La Crosse to see DH's cousin who has been battling cancer. And then we are going to head up to his parents house for the rest of the weekend. It should be a great time, and very relaxing. What makes it more exciting is we are going to be announcing that we are expecting to our family and friends that week as long as our appointment goes well. YIPPEE!! I know our mothers and sisters have been dying to tell people!! I love their excitement!

no news is good news

2008-09-10T21:00:00.003-05:00

This what I was told when I left the Dr's office last week. Unfortunately, they called. Definitely not something to freak out about, but concerning. I has some blood work and a urine analysis done last week. My blood work came back okay, but my urine showed that I am dehydrated and that my "sugar is spilling." More or less that I have glucose in my urine which is not supposed to be there. So instead of having a glucose test at 28 wks, I now get to have it at 20 wks, 24wks, and 28wks. AREN'T I LUCKY!!! The weirdest thing is once again it so out of character for my body type. I am 5 ft, 108 lbs, normally people of my body stature don't have these problems, but then again they don't have PCOS either, and I have that. As far as the dehydration, I need to get more liquids, if I can't, I need to go in for IV Fluid, and needless to say I need to stay healthy, if I get sick I need to go in right away. The best part of this is my husband is home with the puking flu today! I am a hypochondriac, I hate germs, especially ones that make me puke. So, needless to say I am freaking out. I went to Tar.get tonight and bought lots of germ killer. I came home from work sanitized my house, especially my bedroom. Washed my sheets in bleach, and now have barricaded myself in our bedroom. I have quarantined my husband to the spare bedroom, with instructions to strip the bed and bleach the sheets tomorrow. I feel terrible that I can't help him, but I think he is more worried about me getting sick than anything else. He is actually feeling better tonight. Thank god I had to work today, or I would have gone crazy. I am praying to god I don't get sick, I can't afford it. I don't want to end up in the hospital or even in the emergency room getting fluids. I have done that before and it sucks!! So I am working on the fluids. I need to drink as much water, juice, and broth-doesn't that sound good?!

First OB appt.

2008-09-05T22:19:00.003-05:00

I had my first OB appt. today. It was pretty uneventful. I had a consult with the nurse for the first 1/2 hr, then met with my doctor. I had most of a physical, I did get to skip the pap because I had just had one in April. We went over some medical history, how she does things, office hrs, very basic info. She gave me a book and a folder filled with everything from what to do if you go into labor to blood cord preservation. So I have enough reading for until the next appointment. I also had some blood work and a urine specimen. All-in-all, pretty routine. I go back in 4 wk unless something comes back bad in my blood work. It is kind of weird seeing your RE every other day, to a OB who wants to see you once a month. It's even kind of scary. I did get a new due date. I have had 3 different dates given to me by 3 different people, all with the same information-how hard can it be to read the wheel. My new due date is April 15-a tax baby. This is the official date, the one my OB gave me, and she says "her date is the one that counts" So, the 15 th it will be.

Just a funny-I made the mistake of going grocery shopping today-HUNGRY. Now I have done this before when I wasn't pregnant and did some damage. But tonight was ridiculous!! My cart was overflowing. Seriously, I could not put anything else in it or it would have fallen out. It was kind of embarrassing. I felt like people we looking at me as if I was feeding a family of 10. Note to self-NO GROCERY SHOPPING HUNGRY FOR TH NEXT 7 MONTHS!!

graduation day

2008-09-02T13:48:00.004-05:00

Today we graduated from our RE to our normal OB/GYN. YIKES! It is a bitter sweet day. I am so excited that we are to the point of being normal again, but sad because I love my RE's and their staff. I am so fortunate to have had the experience I did with my doctors. I have read so many blogs where patients were treated as numbers and statistics, not people with real fears and dreams. I was treated as I was part of a family. So not seeing them weekly is kind of sad for me. They are why we are in the position we are today!!

Our appt went well, baby is growing. The heart beat was 157 bpm today.

Not much more to update. I am feeling a lot better, haven't had any nausea lately, which has been nice. I have figured out if I eat smaller meals more times a day I don't seem to get sick. I am still tired, and I don't think that will be going away anytime soon. I am now getting ready to head to work. I am working a late shift tonight, which should be interesting since I am sleeping by 10pm EVERY night. Thank god I have off tomorrow. I will keep you all posted on the days to come.

I am a liar ,again!!

2008-08-29T22:17:00.004-05:00

so I am sorry I haven't been writing lately, it's been a little hectic. So let's back up:

August 7th-I came home from traveling for work for 2 weeks. This was the longest 2ww of my life. I was in a 2ww wait but also just having a really hard time with life. I was sick of the hormones, sick of the mood swings, sick of not spending money on small things-just sick of it all. I decided to take a hpt that evening, although I knew not to take it until morning, but figured this would lesson the blow (if that is ever possible.) So I took the test, and it turned colors right away, there was no question, the line was darker than the picture on the box. So the next morning I made a Dr's appt, because I really didn't believe it.

August 8th-beta 282-holy shit!!!!

So I was totally pregnant, but scared shitless!! I had the worst anxiety that my biggest nightmare would happen again.

August 15th-went to work not feeling well, and was having major cramping. Called my dr and went in on August 16th-they found that I had a few ovarian cysts, and probably ruptured one. But also saw the sak-which normally is not visible.

August 26-u/s number two--HEARTBEAT 136 bpm!! This is what we wanted, at this point we move up to 96% to caring this baby full term. If fact I graduate back to my OB/GYN on Friday of next week. I am kind of sad to leave my RE, but that was the ultimate goal. I have one more ultrasound on Tuesday.

So, how am I feeling you ask? Like crap! I am not vomiting, but extremely nauseous all the time. In the beginning I didn't really understand all the hype about being tired, because I wasn't. I get it now. I feel like I have been hit by a truck from the time I get up until I go to bed! It is terrible, but in no way am I complaining. I have never been so excited to feel like such crap!

I will fill all of you in on more details in the days to come, now that I can write about this again. Sorry for the delay in the news, we just needed some time to digest all of this. It has been a little scary, and realistically we still have a few weeks to go before we are truly out of the woods. Please keep praying for us that this all works out! We want this so badly!!

Ps. It really only does take one!!!

new do

2008-08-13T21:01:00.001-05:00

do you like it, I needed a face lift!!!!

finacial advisor

2008-08-12T17:34:00.002-05:00

Today we met with a financial advisor to see what our options are at this point. We talked about what options were good and obviously, what options were bad. Overall, I felt it was a very helpful conversation. The advisor is close friends with our RE, so he offers his services free. And he isn't tied to any financial organization, so he doesn't push you into services an agency would pressure you toward.

Other than that, we are back to saving money and waiting. It seems to be the story of our life. We are attending a adoption meeting on September 8th. We are going to get some info and hopefully an start the application process. Apparently, one of the prerequisites is having to be married for 2 years. We won't hit that until March of next year, but we are hoping we can start the process and just not be listed until then. From what I have heard it takes at least a few months to get through the applications process and the home studies. And with my schedule during the fall and holiday I am sure it will slow things down.

In the mean time I don't know if I am fighting a little summer cold or if my allergies are starting to act up. I know that counts are high right now, so it really is probably just allergies. Hubby is complaining about the same thing. I have a little cough and my nose is a little stuffy and runny-boy isn't that fun.

help, I am having withdrawls

2008-08-08T10:30:00.002-05:00

I feel like I haven't blogged in months! I have been traveling the last two weeks and I am finally home to a normal computer. I was staying with my parents (love them dearly) but their computer is from 1962! Okay, may be not that old but the Internet speed is slower than dial up. I was lucky If I could check my email-and that took a half hour to load up. Anyway I am back and hopefully will update you more now.

This last week has been extremely emotional for me. I am tired of the stress!! I feel like my life is in a stand still and I can't see past today. This last cycle was crappy and no one seemed to have much confidence that it would work. I just don't know how much longer I can keep doing this to myself. We are broke, our insurance doesn't pay for anything-nothing!! We are starting to look at other options. As much as I don't want to, we have to. I am not saying that I am giving up hope, it's we have to face to harsh truth that this may not happen. I don't want to wait until I am 40 to be a mom. IF is almost like an addiction. May be next month will be the month, or the month after, time after time spending money. It's like going to the casino and thinking maybe one more quarter, one more spin and jackpot. I wish I had the answer on when to say when, and walk away a winner.

So this week we started a new Chapter. We are now looking into adoption. So far we like Lutheran Social Services best. We are attending a orientation meeting on September 4th. At that appointment we will find out what this will all entail, costs, time frames. In all, it is going to cost us about as much as if we did IVF. I am just to scared to do IVF and have it not work. If our insurance was paying for it, it would be a totally different story. If that was the case I would do IVF a few times, but it is not worth us being bankrupt to afford to have children. I know my husband is having a hard time accepting the reality of our lives, but it doesn't mean we aren't good people or that we wouldn't make great parents. We still plan on doing one, maybe two more cycles, but we are taking a few months off. We have been very fortunate to get free drugs from our doctor and we have run out. I don't feel it is my place to ask for more, so we need to take a month off to save a little money. In the mean time we are doing research about adoptions, we want to put our energy toward this knowing we only have to months left of trying with ART. If anyone reading knows anyone with any experiences-good or bad, please let me know or post there link.

On a positive note, I went to the Poison concert last weekend. It was AWESOME! I knew every song-I know I am pathetic. But it was so much fun. There we so many people that dressed up like the 80's for the show. It was like stepping back in time. And what made it even better is it was a sell out, the place was packed!! We finished up the weekend going up to the cottage for some Sun and boating, the weather has been great here. On Monday, DH, and my sister and I took my cousins kids for the night. It was a little hectic-I don't know how moms of 4 kids all under 4 do it. We went to MCd's for happy meals, ice cream and playland. Then to the park, came home, put 3 dirty kids in the bath and then watched a movie--needless to say I needed a nap!! Tuesday we went boating again, and Wed back to work. Hope everyone has been well! I am off to work!

do you miss me?

2008-07-30T23:20:00.003-05:00

Sorry it been so long. Nothing new here. We are 1wk post iui. I can't say I feel any different.

Pregnancy symptoms:
tired? yes, but have been working my butt off at work.

sore chest? nothing

cramps? nothing

moody? I would be lying if I said no, but also a little on edge from work

food cravings/aversions? Always, but I have had them really bad since starting hormones.

I guess those are the major ones and so far not anything to read into. Other than that I am still back home. I been working but also making some time to see friends and family. I have a busy next few days. Tomorrow is my last day of work, and then I am spending some time with a close friend who I rarely get to see anymore. Friday, I am getting my hair done and my parents are having a fish fry with friends so I will be joining their festivities. And on Saturday I am going to a Poison concert!! Yes folks I am a 80's fan. This should be hilarious!! I am going with my cousin and some Friends (of course our husbands will be there.) Tesla and skid row are opening for them. I feel like I should crimp my hair or do dress up for this show. Anyway, I hope everyone has a good weekend!!!!

2008-07-27T10:05:00.002-05:00

So far so good. I haven't really been thinking about this cycle, which is so strange to me. Hopefully I can keep that up. I am probably going to freak out about 3 or 4 days before I have to test, but wouldn't it be nice if I was as calm as I am now. I wish I knew why I am so calm, it is completely our of character for me. Apart of me is wondering, am I just getting used to this whole process, is this becoming what normal is. I don't want to get used to it!! I don't want it to be normal! I miss my "real" normal life. Doing things that I want to do, buying thing, going out to dinner, drinking Star.bucks. All of which I don't do at all anymore, because we have to save money! It sucks. anyway sorry for this tantrum. I was just having a little pity party. Well I am leaving town today for work. Hopefully this week goes fast! I will check in this week.

Hope everyone has a good week!!

another one bites the dust

2008-07-24T22:31:00.003-05:00

We had our IUI this morning. Everything went fine. SA was great as usual, dh's counts were down a little, around 57 million. Apparently, most peoples counts drop this time of year due to the heat. I found that a little interesting, but it definitely made sense. It also didn't hurt as much as it normally dose, so that was a double bonus.

I have gone into this IUI, like I have nothing to lose. No one seems to have to much confidence that this cycle will work, but its better than 2/3 of the cycles I have had in the last 18 months. I produced 1 egg, and I ovulated-2 things I didn't do before. So, what do I have to lose? It only takes one, right? Maybe because of that I won't worry as much, or much less think about the 2ww. Next week should keep me busy. I found out I have to travel all week. It actually works well because I will be in stores in my home town. I am sure my parents will be thrilled that I am home all week. As much as I love going home, I feel like I have been there way to much this summer!!

So before I leave, I have a funny, well actually it's kind of strange. DH is working overnights this week because of our IUI and last night was his first night. Needless to say, he was extremely over tired this morning at our appt. We were waiting for our RE to come in the room, and he started laughing hysterically. I asked him what the deal was because nothing was said. He told me that he was daydreaming (more like a nightmare) on how funny it would be for the RE to come in and see him undressed from the waist down, covered up with a white sheet with his feet in stirrups. I don't think he is right. I told him we needed to get him home to bed and he needs to be careful what he wishes for. Sometimes I just don't know............

it only takes one

2008-07-23T09:51:00.003-05:00

Nothing improved. My one and only eggs is measuring at 22mm. The double dose did nothing to help things. In fact, I don't even have another egg over 10mm, they literally all stayed the same size. So, we are doing a IUI tomorrow. Normally we do 2 IUI, back-to-back days. This time we are only doing to do 1. My RE doesn't feel it will increase our chances at all to have 2. One positive is that it will save us a little money. I am trying to stay positive, but can't deny that I am disappointed. I have to continue to remind myself it only takes one, and that happens everyday. I am looking forward to a little brake from giving myself shots, even if it is only two weeks.

Worse case scenario-we take what we learned this cycle and the last cycle and get it right the next time.

the wind is out of my sail

2008-07-22T09:41:00.005-05:00

I went in to this cycle extremely positive. We knew we could get pregnant, so we just needed to start over again. We really had faith it would happen. My RE has been extremely positive, taking a new direction with this cycle. And then I went to my appointment yesterday, and all the wind came out of my sail. My endometrium lining is great, but I have 1 follie/egg that is ready, it is over 17 mm as of yesterday. My RE said the following "well I don't know if we are going to get you pregnant this cycle, but at least your insides won't hurt from OHSS." Please don't tell me that we don't know if your going to get me pregnant this cycle, that just made me feel like it's okay that you injected poison into my body, been violated by a magical wand 5 times, been stuck more than you can count, and been on a rollercoaster of emotions-and I DON'T LIKE ROLLERCOASTERS!! Oh yeah, not to mention we are broke, and you just wasted $2500 on a cycle for NOTHING! Instead you could say, "you have one great egg, lets get you pregnant, you know it only takes one." I personally think that might be a little more encouraging. But, my RE wants more than one egg, so she increased my dose to 150 iu, which is more than I have ever taken, and I go back tomorrow. She is assuming tomorrow will be trigger day, but just in case my body decides to have a mind of its own, I will also be doing OPK's at home. She wants to get some of the other eggs over 13 or 14 mm.

Now I have spent way to many hours on the Internet researching, so you would think I would know the answer to this. But if they increase my dose to 150 iu, the 17 mm is going to be huge-so big that in my mind it is ineffective. And the other ones become between 13-14mm, isn't that to small to do anything. So why didn't we just go with the one at 17mm yesterday? Everyday thousands of woman get pregnant from 1 freaking egg. I am trusting her because she is the professional, but sometimes that is not real reassuring. My DH thinks I am just over reacting because of the drugs-maybe I am, but I am still feeling it. It is still what I go though. And it isn't going away!!

So, Thursday and Friday will be IUI days. I am hoping for the best, but still scared to death. I just don't want another month of disappointment.

Ps. My dad was diagnosed with Cancer back in early March. He had been done with treatment since the end of May. Today he went in for a CAT scan to find out if they got it all. So if you could all say an extra prayer for him, I would appreciate it. Thanks!

no change

2008-07-18T22:20:00.002-05:00

well not much to update, no change really. I still have small stuff and my E2 stayed pretty much the same at 100. So they increased my dose to 75 iu, which is what I took at the end of my last cycle. I go back for another u/s on Monday.

So in the mean time, I am back home for another family wedding. I will get to have another "baby fix" from my cousins kid tomorrow. Part of the wedding is a golf outing, I don't golf so I am taking all the kids with another cousin of mine. It should be fun!! Hope everyone has a good weekend. I will update more on Sunday. TA TA for now.

slower is better?

2008-07-15T22:12:00.003-05:00

So sorry it taken me so long to update today, I had to work and just got home at 10 pm. They have decided to keep me at 50 iu. My e2 was 99 and I had small folli's. We actually had a really good appointment. My RE sat and talked with us about a whole bunch of things including obviously what the game plan is for this cycle. They are going to take what they learned from my last cycle and make some changes. First of all they started us low because my e2 spiked to badly the last time. Also I am responding so well to low doses they think this is a better option. Due to the low dose, I will produce slower. My last cycle I took shots for 8 days-4 at 100 iu, and 4 at 75 iu. Last cycle, I had appointments every 4 days, this cycle every 3. So, I will have more appointments which means more money-that sucks! Ya gotta do what ya gotta do.

In this new "game plan" she also decided her goal is to get me pregnant with twins! Her theory in this is if I get pregnant with twins, and miscarry one, I will have a singleton in the end. And worst case, I have twins. I am totally fine with this, although I was a little shocked she came out and said it. We kind of thought that this might a possibility anyway. We chit chatted about the miscarriage, and what it really means-which I already know. We also talked about some of the stuff on the u/s-that we see but don't know what it is. I know what I am looking at when they measure, but she showed us other things about my cervix and uterus. It was like we were hanging out talking like we had been good friends for 10 years. It was kind of nice. I feel really good about the appointment and about this cycle.

I don't know what my problem seems to be this month, but shots hurt like hell. When I went to have my blood drawn this morning, she couldn't get any blood from my arm, which was strange. But she was digging for the vein with the needle still in my arm. It hurt so bad that I had to make her stop and use the other arm. The other arm gave her blood but hurt just as bad. Both arms have matching bruises the size of quarters now. I have not had any markings other than a pin mark on either one of my arms since I started IF over a year ago. When I was giving my self my shot last night, it bothered me too. I thought it was that I had given to many shots to that side of my body with out switching it up. Tonight I did it on the other side and it hurt like hell. I don't get it. And this cycle had only just begun, I go back to my RE on Friday morning.

Happy surprise birthday

2008-07-14T19:21:00.004-05:00

(this is a long blog)

A few months ago, my husband had told me that I had to be home this weekend and I couldn't make any plans to do anything. Originally I was supposed to be traveling this month, so I was planning on Flying home. Due to the fact I wasn't traveling, I was told we had plans this weekend. His family came down on Saturday afternoon, they live about 2 1/2 hrs north of us. We hung out and played games all night. When we went to bed, I started asking questions because I knew something was going on for Sunday. DH told me that he wanted to surprise me, but his and my immediate family were all going to a Bre.wer game on Sunday (in case you didn't now we are sports junkies, anything Wisconsin-pack.ers, bad.gers, or Bre.wers.)

So we got on the road pretty early, around 9 am. The game was started at 1.pm, so we left early to tailgate. He had talked to my sister a couple of times on the way, but he played it off as wanting to know where we were and where we should park. Little did I know that 37 of my closest family and friends met at 8:30 in the morning and caravaned down to Milwau .kee to go to this game.

As we pulled in, my sister called again to let DH know where they were parked. Keep in mind at this point, I still had no idea that anything was going on. As we were pulling up, one of cousin's got out of a car, who's car- I don't know, but I was thinking "how nice is that, she must have had nothing going on today." Then we were parking and I looked next to me and another one of my cousin's were getting out of a car. Suddenly, family members were coming out of the woodwork-and it dawned on me-they were all there to celebrate my birthday. IT WAS SO AWESOME. All of my cousins that I spend a lot of time with, there children, and parents were there. We also had some close family friends that took time out of there days to come.

We cooked out-let me tell you it was a smorgasbord!!! Brats, hamburgers, salads, bars, dips, you name it we had it. The weather was gorgeous, sunny mid 70's. We hung out, played yard games-bags, lazy golf. All the beer and soda you drink. I actually broke the rules and had 3 beers (in a 5 hrs time, don't worry I didn't get bombed) but it felt good to be normal for a day. All of our seats were together, yes, 37 seats. The game was a sell out, so it was packed. The Bre.wers won-yeah that is always a bonus!!

After the game, we went back and hung out for a while! On the way home we stopped at a custard store that I love and the flavor of the day was mint chip (this is my all time favorite flavor), it was a sign from god that it was MY DAY! After that we came home, ordered pizza with my cousin and her husband, crashed!!! I was exhausted. I would classify yesterday as one of the best days of my life-right up there with the day DH proposed to me and my wedding day. Here is a picture of my cousins and I-I am the one in Yellow!

On the If front. I got the go ahead from my RE to start the injectables. Tonight will be my 3rd night of shots. They started my dosage really low, half of what I started the last time. So, I am taking 50 iu every shot. I go beck to the Re tomorrow morning. I wish I knew why they were starting me so low, but they are the professionals. I am just scared this cycle will cost me more money. Well, I hope you all had a great weekend. I am sorry that this blog was so long. I promise to update after tomorrows appt.

co worker

2008-07-11T22:03:00.002-05:00

I kind of surprised myself last night. I had inventory until the wee hrs of the morning. During a conversation with one of my associates, she told me that she is pregnant, about 7 wks. Now of course the first thing that came to mind:

That would have been around my due date.
We could have compared stories, gone through some of it together.
What the hell are you doing telling people already-you are only 7 wks.
This is supposed to be me!!!!
Stop Mandy, this is not about you!!!

But then I came back into the real world, I was truly happy for her. Maybe it is because I barely know her, nor does she know any of my circumstances. There wasn't any resentment. Of course I am jealous, and wish it was me, but it's not and I can't change that. My managers were trying to keep this from me, they didn't know how I would handle it. I was actually told in front of one of them and she was shocked at how well I took it. It is what it is!

So we move on to tomorrow mornings appt. I am ready for the new chapter to begin. As kimberli stated, I have my boxing gloves back on and I am ready to fight the ugly IF. And this bitch is going down!!!

and a new chapter begins

2008-07-10T14:44:00.002-05:00

The next chapter begins today, Af came a little early. Have I mentioned that I am so sick of bleeding. I know that is a little disgusting, but after the m/c and now AF, its never ending. So the plan is to go in for my baseline u/s on Saturday morning. As of right now the plan is to do another round of Gonal-F, with a trigger when we have a good 3 eggs. Last time that was about 8 days of shots, which isn't to bad. I am also assuming they will start me out slower because of the OHSS last time. Now this could all change on Saturday depending on my u/s and bloodwork. I do have this fear that they will find something and make me take a cycle off. Then, I will have to wait yet again. It feels like an eternity since I cycled, yet it seems so soon after my m/c. It is so crazy that just short of 3 weeks ago I m/c. It almost seems like a dream or a out of body experience. I just want to get on with it, yet I am scared as hell!! My mind is ready I just hope my body is as well!!

back to reality

2008-07-08T11:34:00.003-05:00

We had a great weekend up north! When we went to Florida last month it was the break I needed to clear my head before starting another cycle. This weekend was the same medicine. I am ready to start again, I have my positive attitude back, and we are going to get pregnant again!! I think part of it is spending time with people I greatly care about. They all know about what we are going through, and give us the love and support we need. My cousins are my best friends, we have all been through so many of life's challenges together. I truly don't know what I would do without them!! They seem to give me strength in ways that I can't find myself. If any of you are reading this-thank you and I love you!!

Anyway, we are back in town. Yesterday, we spent the entire day trying to put up a ceiling fan in our spare bedroom. This is the 3rd one we have attempted. The first one we couldn't even get the light to turn. The second we could get the light and not the fan. Now, there is no way we have 3 lemons. We tried the 3rd, and have the same problem as the second. In talking with my uncle, who is a regular handy man, he thinks the electrician screwed something up when wiring our house. He thinks we have everything connected correctly, and thinks that we had the first and second correct as well. So we will see if it works by the end of today. My DH had until 3 to get it working. We are going to the Brew.er game tonight. Rumor has it, it is a sell out game because of the trade they made this week. So that should be fun!!

On the IF front. I have 3 days left of medroxyprogesterone, so AF should be here by Thursday or Friday at the latest. That puts us at Sat. or Sun. for my baseline u/s. I am ready to start, but don't want to have AF after bleeding for ever with my m/c.

Hope everyone had a good weekend!

on the road again

2008-07-02T10:24:00.002-05:00

So, I sit here with my computer sitting in front of me, not knowing what to write. I have been freaking out the last couple of days. My thoughts have been all over the place. I have been frustrated, angry, sad, and lost. I understand that I m/c but I don't seem to be mourning the loss but angry about everything else. So my solution is to get back on the horse again, to start over, to move on. I need it for my sanity. I need to feel hope again, I need to find faith, I need to believe that this is going to work and I will be a mother someday. As my title says, I have started my medroxyprogesterone to bring on AF. I will have AF in about 10 days and that will start a new cycle. I am hoping that this will put some of this to rest, but my mind is still racing..............

What if I can't get pregnant?

I am scared to death of not getting pregnant. The disappointment that I had cycle after cycle before I got pregnant was so debilitating. In all honesty, I felt I would never get pregnant. And the oral drugs seemed to make the process even harder due to the side effects.

What if I get pregnant?

Will I be excited or scared to death? I will never have that feeling of telling my parents or in laws for the first time again. Hearing the excitement in there voices that they are going to be grandparents and that our journey of infertility is over for the time being. When do we tell people if we do get pregnant? How will they react? I think I will be so paranoid that something will happen. This last time every little twitch of pain or discomfort I felt I thought something bad was happening (like I said maybe it actually was.) How do you not feel the anxiety, especially after m/c? At what point does it actually get better? Or doesn't it...........

What if I m/c again?

I don't think I could handle it! What can I do to prevent what happened, again? What does this mean for my infertility, does this change what it wrong with me? or does it add another complication? What do we do after that, another round of injectables or IVF?

How many times to I do this to myself?
I can't even think of this. I don't want to give up, but I am tired. I feel like I am loosing my identitly. I hate how I feel, it is not me. I am a confident, easy go lucky kind of girl. I don't waste time worring about things that I can't control. I am not that person anymore!! I need to find her.

I understand that no one has the answers-but damn it I WANT SOME!!! And I know we will never know until these circumstance happen. So I am going to go away for the holiday and I am going to enjoy my last horrah again before I start the heavy duty drugs. We are going to my aunt and uncles cabin with all of my cousins until Monday. I am hoping this will recharge me like my trip to Florida did. I just need a few days away full of fun and laughs. Hope you all have a great 4th, I probably won't be blogging again until Sunday or Monday

quick note

2008-07-01T23:24:00.003-05:00

I only have a minute to update. Just wanted to let you know that we were given the okay to start another cycle. I have to take provera to bring on AF and then day 3 baseline after that. Now that I can start I am kind of panicing. I know it sounds crazy, I am just a little overwhelmed!

everybody looks pregnant?

2008-06-27T22:42:00.003-05:00

It was a long day!

I had a RE appointment for bloodwork this morning. My nurse came out to grab me to come back and she suddenly looked like she was pregnant. I felt kind of bad as I stared her down the whole time she took my blood, thinking is she or isn't she. In the mean time, I asked her what to do from here? She told me I probably won't come back for about 2 weeks, and when I do it will be for another blood test to see if my counts are down to zero. At this point, I was thinking WAIT ANOTHER 2 WEEKS-WTF! Wait, Wait, Wait, Wait-has anyone informed her I am not a patient person! I left her and went to pay my bill-yes my insurance doesn't cover any infertility or pregnancy tests. The receptionist stood up and she looked pregnant! Now I understand I am at a fertility clinic, but come on!!! I am really hoping it is all in my head!! Now if these people are not pregnant, by no means am I saying they look heavy. Fashion these day are flowing.

I went to work right away so I wouldn't go home and stew. I had left a message with my boss for her to call me this afternoon regarding my appointment. She called me back and I had to have one of the hardest conversations of my life. For those of you that don't know, I work for a good friend of mine. We have worked together for 9 years, and have a great working relationship and friendship outside of work. So she knows about everything. I had interviewed for a position with our corporate office as a field trainer, which I got. There are 15 people that got picked, so this was a huge opportunity! With everything that has happened I had to turn the job down. I am devastated, but feel I had to do it. The stress level would have caused havoc on everything I have done to relax. I would be between NYC and Dayton, Ohio for over two months. So going to a RE or doctors appointments in general would have been out of the questions. And if this cycle would worked and I m/c while I was traveling I would always question if I did something wrong and most likely blame myself. So, it is what I had to do.

Later this afternoon my RE's office called. My beta is now 2.8, which is good news. That nurse, a different one than I saw this morning, told me as soon as I got a period to call her for a baseline appointment. So, I have no idea what the hell is going on. If we are now waiting until I get a period, I might as well get comfortable because it will be a while. I am going to call and talk with my IVF coordinator on Monday and see what she says. She was off today, that is why I have so many different answers to the same question. My RE is also back next week so I am sure I will hear from her as well, she is very hands on with her patients.

you woman are amazing!

2008-06-26T23:25:00.003-05:00

my title says it all. I am just getting home from work right now, yes it is 11:30 and I went in at 8:00 THIS MORNING! Needless to say I have to get to bed, but I just wanted to thank you all! When I got home this tonight I wanted to quickly check my email. I had 12 comments left since this morning-what an amazing thing to know I am not going through this alone. This site has helped me get through the struggles and emotional rollercoaster of IF. All of you ladies who comment on my site or other sites help in ways you can never imagine! I truly and deeply appreciate it more than words can ever say!!

back to work

2008-06-25T20:26:00.002-05:00

Maybe today was just a "good" day:

Today I went back to work. I struggled getting up and moving this morning, I was extremely unmotivated, but I made it in. It was actually kind of nice to get back to "normal," at least I wasn't sitting on the couch feeling sorry for myself. And I didn't really have to deal with anyone except customers today. My management staff had plenty of extra associates on for me, so that was a help-I could stay busy without having to really talk to anyone. The day went pretty fast. I am exhausted, but that means I will sleep well tonight. My DH also came home today, which I really needed. I missed him and it was nice to snuggle into his arms. I am starting to feel normal again-no cramps. I only had one crying spell today-and yes it was at work. At least I was smart enough not to wear eye makeup today. It came and went, and I decided to bury myself in work, so the day would pass.

I have decided I really want to just start another cycle. I don't want to pretend like this never happened, but I don't want to dwell on it either. It happened-it sucks, more than anything has ever sucked in my life. But I have a lot of wonderful things in my life, like my husband, family, a great job, and great friends. I have spoke to a couple people who have had m/c and they all say the same thing-it sucks but it happened for a reason. They are all optimistic-but they all got pregnant again on the next cycle. I can only hope that we have the same outcome. I went into the last cycle confident that we were going to get pregnant, I never felt that in any previous cycle. And I feel that same feeling coming back, I just want to get on with it already! Is this normal?

Tomorrow will be a long day. We are getting a new computer system at work and we go live with it tomorrow. Then after work I have to drive to Milwaukee to have dinner with the president of the company I work for. So I am sure I wont' get home until after 10-I am dreading the long day. Hopefully it will be another "good" day, cause I am just not ready for another "bad" day.

today is another day

2008-06-24T13:12:00.005-05:00

I want to thank everyone who had commented, called, or emailed me. I truly appreciate your support and love. For those of you that have left messages, I am sorry I haven't called you back, I am just not ready to talk to anyone, nor can I talk about what all happened right now without crying. The whole situation still sucks! Physically I am feeling better. The cramping has lessened, I only have them once every couple of hours and now they just feel like a mild menstrual cramp. I am still bleeding, not as badly, but expect that to last a few more days. I should expect to spot for another week or so. Emotionally I am exhausted. I have an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I keep reliving Sunday night over and over in my head-I know its not healthy, but can't help it. I am not angry, but very frustrated.

I feel like subconsciously I knew something was going to happen. I didn't want to get excited that we were pregnant-didn't want to look at baby stuff-nothing. I knew we had a long way to go before we were in the clear. In my mind I could not get excited until I saw the baby on a u/s and had a heartbeat. On Friday when we were back at home I told my husband that I didn't feel pregnant anymore-not that I had any major signs in the first place-but I didn't feel the same. I even made him stop at the store so I could buy another pregnancy test. I took it the next morning and the second line was really light-which it should have been really dark at this point. DH figured I would just worry and get more paranoid, but maybe I just knew....

I just don't get why everything has to be this hard, it just doesn't make sense to me. I know God has a plan, and he only gives us what we can handle, but it doesn't make any of this any easier. Sitting in the hospital waiting room I just kept looking around me at these parents that have no idea how lucky they are. Most of the "families" in there were young-I am talking 18 years old or less. I am sure they weren't "trying" to get pregnant but do. How is that fair that there are people like us that try, try, and try and nothing. Then we have to go to a RE, get picked and prodded, time after time, not to mention the stupid violating u/s stick. To finally conceive and miscarry a few weeks later, life is just not fair, it's just such bull shit--okay maybe I am angry!!! I just want my husband to come home, I selfishly need him right now. I know he is trying to have fun, and that it what I want. I didn't want him to come home early, he has been looking forward to this trip for months and I know his dad and brother in law were as excited as he was.

So where do we go from here you may ask? I go back to the doctor on Friday, mainly just for bloodwork. I had the choice of doing my follow up with my OB or going back to my RE. I decided to go back to my RE, I have had the most contact with them in the last 6 months and feel it is a little more personal. I have to follow up with my OB today, but still haven't heard back from them-so who knows what they will tell me. Anyway bloodwork-my hcg beta has to return down to zero before we can go forward. There is no definite time frame on this-it takes different lengths of time for each person. Once that happens I have 3 options

1. wait for a period-my average cycle is 52-76 days so we may be waiting a while.
2. Bring a period on using medroxyprogesterone, which it what I was using with clomid.
3. just start a new cycle right away since I don't produce anything with out drugs

We are opting for options 2 this way my uterus will shed it lining one more time and it will be clean. So were are doing another cycle of gonal F, I responded so well the last time they are really confident in it working again-but I am not getting my hopes up. The RE's staff has been really supportive and Mandy, one of my nurses, has the same issues I have. No response from orals, great response from injectables. Miscarried her first time and now has 2 kids. She also reminded me that my body can conceive and that is the hardest part. She has no idea how much I appreciate her kind words and support. I have hope, and I am holding onto it for dear life!!

just when it's started it's over

2008-06-23T09:01:00.002-05:00

what a crappy ending to a good weekend. Needless to say I miscarried last night. There isn't much to say. I am still cramping really bad as well as bleeding. I am angry, sad, and every other emotion you could have. I am not blaming myself, I understand this all happens for a reason, but it doesn't make it suck any less.

I wasn't feeling well last night when I left my cousins gift opening. As I drove home, I started to cramp really bad, to the point I felt like I could pass out. When I came home, I went to the bathroom and saw blood. I called the 24 hr nurse line and they told me to go straight to the hospital emergency room. To make matters worse, my husband left for Atlanta last night, so I had to go alone. When I got there it was like entering a horror movie. It was packed, when I checked in they told me the wait was around 3 hrs-great so I can sit there in my bloody pants listening to babies cry around me-can't wait!! After sitting there in agony for 3 hrs I finally got back to see someone. I had blood tests and a u/s. There was nothing found on the u/s and my beta had dropped to 28. So it's over! I got a hold of my DH and had to tell him the bad news on his boys trip, which sucked! My mom came down to spend a few days with me so I am not alone. Anyway, I am sure I will write more later. I have a call out to my doctor, I have no idea where I go from here.

happy birthday to me

2008-06-18T08:45:00.002-05:00

I am officially out of my 20's, how depressing!!! Yesterday, I spent a low key day just hanging out with my Dh. My morning started out with breakfast at 7:30 in the morning with my cousins fiance and obviously my dh. Then we came home and I decided to go back to bed-I never do that. So I slept again until 10:30, it was wonderful. We got up and went to a store I have been wanting to check out down on the square, then the zoo which was packed. We went for custard and to Brennens, a local market. We then came home to a nice surprise (just in case you don't know me, I HATE surprises) My inlaws came down to have dinner with us and hang out for my birthday. They drove 2 1/2 hrs JUST for dinner, and then went back home. It was no nice of them to do that, and meant a lot to me!! After that we came home and I laid on the couch-and that was the end of my day. I have to go back to work today and then to Chicago for some training tomorrow. Then I am going home for my cousins wedding.

I still feel good. I just want July 3 rd to be here, it is killing me! I thought the 2ww was bad, this is so much more grueling! Especially when I don't feel anything. How do people get through this? I know stay busy, and relax-well that is harder said than done!!!! My appointment is 2 weeks from today, I just need to hear that heartbeat!!!!

forgive me father, for I have sinned

2008-06-15T19:17:00.004-05:00

I am sorry I haven't posted in a while, it has been a very stressful week. I have been digesting the news. I was supposed to take a HPT on Tuesday. The test results were a little confusing to me, so we decided to wait and retest on Wednesday morning. I shouldn't say they were confusing, but hard to believe. These were my results:

Needless to say they were positive, but really light. So I called my doctor to tell her that I was pulling a positive, and to see if I did something wrong. I have only taken a HPT every month for the last 16 months, but maybe I have been doing it wrong the entire time. She told me congratulations, you are pregnant because it is really hard to pull a false positive, although it does happen. Come in for a blood test to double check. My first beta was 34, which is fairly low, but the doctor wasn't to concerned due to the fact I was "just pregnant." But she did want us to come back on Friday to ensure my beta had at least a 60% increase. My second beta ws 68, so I doubled, which is what they ideally want. In talking to my RE she isn't too concerned about my numbers. I have to go back to her on July 3rd for my first u/s. If there is a fetal heart beat then there is a 96% chance of me carrying full term, and I will be released to my OB. In the mean time, I should relax and just enjoy being pregnant! Ha, Ha, How do you do that? I am really trying to just go with the flow, but it is so hard not to think about it. I want this baby so bad!! I don't know how I am supposed to wait 3 wks to know if this is going to be okay! The 2ww was hard enough.

I feel good, I can't say I feel pregnant or even notice any big changes. My boobs hurt, but they have hurt for about 6 wks, although they do seem a little bigger. Not big enough to buy a new bra though. I have noticed I go from full to starving in about 3.2 seconds, and if I don't eat soon I feel nauseous. I am getting a little more tired, but I think that is from being stressed out and my crazy work schedule. Other than that all is well, like I said there are no visable signs, although I do have to urinate a lot more now.

In other thoughts, the last time I was back home, my cousin gave me a big buddha statue, that they call a fertility god. Both of my cousins used it while trying to get pregnant. It is a big statue that you can put in your yard.

It is supposed to give you good baby luck! The scary thing is I am kind of believing it. Obviously it worked, but now I am wondering why I didn't just take it home on my wedding night. We could have alleviated a lot of pain!

patience, my friend

2008-06-11T08:00:00.002-05:00

I know everyone has been checking this to see how it came out, but I don't know anything yet! I am just not ready to know. I promise to keep you all informed after I find out and digest the news. In the mean time thanks for reading, and sorry for the suspense!

exhausted, tired, wiped out

2008-06-08T21:34:00.002-05:00

I could sleep for days! The weekend is over, how sad! Yesterday, I went up to my families cottage for my cousins bachelorette party-what a hoot! We had so much fun. There were 18 of us that went up, mostly my cousins and our mom's and a few friends. We did the usual bachelorette stuff, went boating, and just hung out. The girls went to the bar dressed in costumes at 11, my cousin and I were the designated drivers! I would love to tell you more, but a few of my family members read this and you know how it goes "what happens at the cottage stays at the cottage!"

Tomorrow morning DH's cousins from Norway are coming for breakfast. They are traveling the states for the next 3 weeks! I have never met them and I am excited for them to visit. DH saw them last night, and had dinner with them. I am obviously still trying to stay as busy as possible so time will slip past-so far it has been working better than expected. I also turn 30 a week from Tuesday--I am not looking forward to that day!! I am sad I am leaving my 20's. For all of you that have emailed me or posted in the last 2w, thank you for you love and support. Without all of you I don't think I would get through all of this!!

tgif

2008-06-06T11:54:00.003-05:00

I am so glad this week is almost over! One good thing about this 2ww is that I have been so busy I haven't had time to really think. Okay so maybe I have a little time! I am working this afternoon and tomorrow morning. I am heading up to my cousins Cottage for another cousins bachlorette party. It should be a good time! My only concern is my family is going to be watching for me to drink a alcoholic beverage. Obviously I am not drinking because of I am hoping to god that I am prego. I have a large family (my dad is the oldest of 9 kids) and we are all super close! In fact my I would consider most of my cousins my best friends, we all get along great and enjoy doing things with each other. Only a few of them know about my issues, and I don't want anyone else finding out, especially at this function because I will spend half my night answering questions. I'll figure something out!

On Sunday, my mom, husband and I are going to a fishing tournament that my dad is in...sounds fun! (notice the sarcasm) It actually isn't bad. It is a town festival and there is good food and family friends I haven't seen in a while.

Obviously I won't be posting until Sunday sometime, but will update then on my weekend festivities. Hope everyone has a great weekend-the weather here is finally supposed to be nice!!

1 wk down

2008-06-04T09:48:00.002-05:00

The title says it all. So far I really don't feel any different than any other cycle. I don't know if that is good or bad. I am still a little crampy, although I do feel a lot better, but I am assuming that is from OHSS. I haven't been sleeping well, so I have been tired during the day. I have been waking up numerous times in the middle of the night for no reason, and just can't get comfortable to fall back asleep. And then, I just get frustrated that I can't sleep, which I think in return keeps me awake longer.

There is a part of me that is anxious and afraid of next week. I am sick of the disappointment, but yet somewhat have that expectation. I want so badly to be a mom, and to be pregnant, but I don't know anything else other than a negative pee stick. And on the other hand it's just another week. I feel like I have avoided thinking about it and blogging so may be I won't think about it. In some ways it has worked and in others it hasn't. I feel somewhat numb, it's weird. In other months I have obsessed about it at this point. I know it really isn't worth the stress to be that consumed, but it is so hard not to be.

sorry I didn't update

2008-06-02T08:29:00.004-05:00

On Saturday morning, I went in to see my RE because of all the pain I was in. I do have a mild case of OHSS. I had a u/s done and my ovaries were enlarged, my left was mild, right was to big it was on my left side as well. My labs came back good, so my RE wasn't to concerned. She also thinks that this is a blessing because most cases the patient is also pregnant. It felt good to hear that, but I don't want to get my hopes up. She suggested exercise-which hurts, and increased salt and protein diet. Pretty much anything that will make me retain fluid-weird huh?!

This weekend I went home to my parents for my mom's birthday, as well as my cousins bridal shower. We came home on Sunday night because I had to work today. Other than that things have been pretty uneventful. I don't feel any different besides I am craving BBQ chips (or brown chips as Payton would say), which I have always disliked and have heart burn from hell. I am assuming the heartburn is a stress flare up from not feeling well and just the anxiety of injectable fertility drugs.

back to work

2008-05-29T23:00:00.002-05:00

I went back to work today after a long 4 days off. We have done a lot of traveling and had a lot of Dr's appointments. Last night my sister in law graduated high school. I never realized how old that makes me feel until we realized she was entering 1st grade when I was graduating high school! Less than a month until I am 30 years old. I fear it so much, I want to stay in my 20's. I think I am having a hard time because I am not exactly where I saw myself at this age. Now don't take that wrong. I have a great job, a wonderful husband, we have a house, and we do the things we want to do. Okay the truth is I thought I would be a mother my the time I was 30. The truth is out. I think that is why I am having such a hard time.

Let's change the subject! I feel like shit again today! I am so swollen-it sucks. My pants are super tight, and it hurts to move. I have to check in to my doctor tomorrow because of the pain and bloating. I am not gaining weight and still taking fluids in, so that is a good sign-at least for OHSS. Well I am off to bed, I am exhausted!

Wednesday

2008-05-28T16:23:00.002-05:00

Sorry to make this quick-Everything went well this morning. My husband had great numbers as usual-128 ml. Yesterday, I progressively felt worse as the day went on. Truly, I thought my abdomen was going to explode. Apparently my E2 numbers were off the charts when I did blood work on Monday-were talking over 4200. My doctor thinks I might have been riding the fence of Hyper stimulation! That would explain the sheer pain I was experiencing. I haven't done enough research on it to know all the details, but would prefer not to find out myself. Today I feel much better, still hurt a little, but not bad!

We are back at the in laws for dh's sisters graduation tonight. Will update more tonight or tomorrow.

IUI

2008-05-27T12:25:00.003-05:00

We had our IUI this morning. Everything went well. I was kind of dreading going this morning because for some reason I remember it hurting really bad. This time was definitely not as bad. My dh has super sperm again. Last time he was at 54.3 million, this time he was at 168 million-yes folks this is no lie. Motility were all in the high percentiles again as well. I am afraid that this whole thing is going to go to his head, he is already walking around all macho and proud, and subtly reminds me when he can.

I am really crampy today, which my RE said is normal. It started before I went for the IUI. Mainly, my lower pelvic area is sore. I think my nerves, anxiety, and hormones have caught up to me. I am a walking time bomb the last two days. Moody as hell, crabby as hell, annoyed as hell-you get the picture.

Today we are going to head to Milwaukee to a Brewer game, something to keep my mind busy. It is so nice to not have to give myself a shot tonight!

were ready

2008-05-26T09:42:00.002-05:00

today I had my u/s. We have 2 eggs at 18mm, 1 at 17mm, and one just above 15. So we are having our IUI tomorrow morning and Wednesday morning. We definitely have to take the shot tonight, I have about 4 other eggs that could be ready in about two days if we would wait and then we would have to cancel this cycle, and that would suck! I have to take my ovidrel shot tonight sometime between 5-7pm. And the other good news with this is we think I will have enough drugs to get me through one more cycle IF this cycle doesn't work, although it going to work. I am really excited, definitely not as anxious as last time. I am kind of sad we are not going to go back up to my in laws until Wednesday. We were looking forward to spending time with dh's family and also seeing our California friends.

So in the mean time, we are going to hang out with my cousin and her fiance, and her sister (obviously my cousin as well.) We don't know what we are going to do: cook out, go to the zoo, play board games, but I am sure we will have a good time. Tomorrow, I think we are going to the brewer game at 7pm. It will be our first one of the year! My sister, Stacey (another cousin), and Stacey's BF are going as well.

After our appointment on Wednesday, we will be heading back up to Altoona for Brit's graduation ceremony. When I first met Dh, she had just turned 15. She was still a kid! Now she is graduating, and is young adult! It is scary, I feel so old! How did the last few years go by so fast?

traveling

2008-05-24T16:44:00.002-05:00

We are leaving tonight to go to DH's parents. His youngest sister graduates from high school on Wednesday, so her grad party is on Sunday and then Ceremonies on Wednesday night. We are coming home Sunday night because I have a RE appointment on Monday morning at 7:30. I won't be doing much blogging this weekend, but I will update after my appointment sometime on Monday. We are then heading back up on Monday morning. Thank god gas is so cheap! We are actually going to Minneapolis to visit our California friends. We are grilling out Monday afternoon, then heading back to my in-laws. I am pretty excited to see all of them. Hope everyone has a great holiday weekend.

good signs coming our way

2008-05-22T19:15:00.004-05:00

My appointment went well this morning. My doctor was very impressed with how well I have responded to injectables. The drug makes you produce a lot of eggs/follicles, and then hopefully 3 or 4 will break off; that is when they give me the ovidrel to ovulate. I had 39 follicles, yes folks 39. 4 of them are over double the size of all the rest of them. My estridiol came back at 428, which is a little high. So they lowered my dosage to 75 ui instead of 100. I go back on Monday for more blood work and u/s

I am shocked at how less stressful this cycle is. I am not experiencing any side effects like I did with clomid and femara. I am tired and a little more emotional than normal, but other than that I can't complain. I expected it to be as bad as it was before. I think the other drugs make you depressed and you stew about things more, plus you don't feel good. But I do have a cold and sound like shit-does that count for anything?

birthcontrol

2008-05-21T17:32:00.002-05:00

Just a funny thought. I am reading this book A Few good eggs by Julie Vargo and Maureen Regan and they have a part in there on how in their 20's they spent all their money on trying to prevent pregnacy. So I decided to see how much I spent! YIKES, I have spent over $4200 on birth control. If I only knew what I knew now.