Friday, August 8, 2008

help, I am having withdrawls

I feel like I haven't blogged in months! I have been traveling the last two weeks and I am finally home to a normal computer. I was staying with my parents (love them dearly) but their computer is from 1962! Okay, may be not that old but the Internet speed is slower than dial up. I was lucky If I could check my email-and that took a half hour to load up. Anyway I am back and hopefully will update you more now.

This last week has been extremely emotional for me. I am tired of the stress!! I feel like my life is in a stand still and I can't see past today. This last cycle was crappy and no one seemed to have much confidence that it would work. I just don't know how much longer I can keep doing this to myself. We are broke, our insurance doesn't pay for anything-nothing!! We are starting to look at other options. As much as I don't want to, we have to. I am not saying that I am giving up hope, it's we have to face to harsh truth that this may not happen. I don't want to wait until I am 40 to be a mom. IF is almost like an addiction. May be next month will be the month, or the month after, time after time spending money. It's like going to the casino and thinking maybe one more quarter, one more spin and jackpot. I wish I had the answer on when to say when, and walk away a winner.

So this week we started a new Chapter. We are now looking into adoption. So far we like Lutheran Social Services best. We are attending a orientation meeting on September 4th. At that appointment we will find out what this will all entail, costs, time frames. In all, it is going to cost us about as much as if we did IVF. I am just to scared to do IVF and have it not work. If our insurance was paying for it, it would be a totally different story. If that was the case I would do IVF a few times, but it is not worth us being bankrupt to afford to have children. I know my husband is having a hard time accepting the reality of our lives, but it doesn't mean we aren't good people or that we wouldn't make great parents. We still plan on doing one, maybe two more cycles, but we are taking a few months off. We have been very fortunate to get free drugs from our doctor and we have run out. I don't feel it is my place to ask for more, so we need to take a month off to save a little money. In the mean time we are doing research about adoptions, we want to put our energy toward this knowing we only have to months left of trying with ART. If anyone reading knows anyone with any experiences-good or bad, please let me know or post there link.

On a positive note, I went to the Poison concert last weekend. It was AWESOME! I knew every song-I know I am pathetic. But it was so much fun. There we so many people that dressed up like the 80's for the show. It was like stepping back in time. And what made it even better is it was a sell out, the place was packed!! We finished up the weekend going up to the cottage for some Sun and boating, the weather has been great here. On Monday, DH, and my sister and I took my cousins kids for the night. It was a little hectic-I don't know how moms of 4 kids all under 4 do it. We went to MCd's for happy meals, ice cream and playland. Then to the park, came home, put 3 dirty kids in the bath and then watched a movie--needless to say I needed a nap!! Tuesday we went boating again, and Wed back to work. Hope everyone has been well! I am off to work!


Mom said...

Hi Justin and Mandy,
So sorry to hear what a rough experience that you've had. It always has helped to take a break before.
You know we will support you any way that we can no matter which way you decide to go.
Can't wait to see you. We have lots of good stories, pictures and videos to show you.
Love You,
Lots and Lots,MOM

Amy (MyColonyNJ) said...

i will be following your journey - no matter if it is through IF treatments or through adoption.

Good Luck to you

SAHW said...

It sounds like you have come to a good decision...I feel the same way, I'm not quite at the point to make that decision, but I'm also scared to become bankrupt trying IVF, since there's no guarantee - at least with adoption, even though the expense is just as high, you end up with a child at the end of the process.