Friday, June 27, 2008

everybody looks pregnant?

It was a long day!

I had a RE appointment for bloodwork this morning. My nurse came out to grab me to come back and she suddenly looked like she was pregnant. I felt kind of bad as I stared her down the whole time she took my blood, thinking is she or isn't she. In the mean time, I asked her what to do from here? She told me I probably won't come back for about 2 weeks, and when I do it will be for another blood test to see if my counts are down to zero. At this point, I was thinking WAIT ANOTHER 2 WEEKS-WTF! Wait, Wait, Wait, Wait-has anyone informed her I am not a patient person! I left her and went to pay my bill-yes my insurance doesn't cover any infertility or pregnancy tests. The receptionist stood up and she looked pregnant! Now I understand I am at a fertility clinic, but come on!!! I am really hoping it is all in my head!! Now if these people are not pregnant, by no means am I saying they look heavy. Fashion these day are flowing.

I went to work right away so I wouldn't go home and stew. I had left a message with my boss for her to call me this afternoon regarding my appointment. She called me back and I had to have one of the hardest conversations of my life. For those of you that don't know, I work for a good friend of mine. We have worked together for 9 years, and have a great working relationship and friendship outside of work. So she knows about everything. I had interviewed for a position with our corporate office as a field trainer, which I got. There are 15 people that got picked, so this was a huge opportunity! With everything that has happened I had to turn the job down. I am devastated, but feel I had to do it. The stress level would have caused havoc on everything I have done to relax. I would be between NYC and Dayton, Ohio for over two months. So going to a RE or doctors appointments in general would have been out of the questions. And if this cycle would worked and I m/c while I was traveling I would always question if I did something wrong and most likely blame myself. So, it is what I had to do.

Later this afternoon my RE's office called. My beta is now 2.8, which is good news. That nurse, a different one than I saw this morning, told me as soon as I got a period to call her for a baseline appointment. So, I have no idea what the hell is going on. If we are now waiting until I get a period, I might as well get comfortable because it will be a while. I am going to call and talk with my IVF coordinator on Monday and see what she says. She was off today, that is why I have so many different answers to the same question. My RE is also back next week so I am sure I will hear from her as well, she is very hands on with her patients.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

you woman are amazing!

my title says it all. I am just getting home from work right now, yes it is 11:30 and I went in at 8:00 THIS MORNING! Needless to say I have to get to bed, but I just wanted to thank you all! When I got home this tonight I wanted to quickly check my email. I had 12 comments left since this morning-what an amazing thing to know I am not going through this alone. This site has helped me get through the struggles and emotional rollercoaster of IF. All of you ladies who comment on my site or other sites help in ways you can never imagine! I truly and deeply appreciate it more than words can ever say!!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

back to work

Maybe today was just a "good" day:

Today I went back to work. I struggled getting up and moving this morning, I was extremely unmotivated, but I made it in. It was actually kind of nice to get back to "normal," at least I wasn't sitting on the couch feeling sorry for myself. And I didn't really have to deal with anyone except customers today. My management staff had plenty of extra associates on for me, so that was a help-I could stay busy without having to really talk to anyone. The day went pretty fast. I am exhausted, but that means I will sleep well tonight. My DH also came home today, which I really needed. I missed him and it was nice to snuggle into his arms. I am starting to feel normal again-no cramps. I only had one crying spell today-and yes it was at work. At least I was smart enough not to wear eye makeup today. It came and went, and I decided to bury myself in work, so the day would pass.

I have decided I really want to just start another cycle. I don't want to pretend like this never happened, but I don't want to dwell on it either. It happened-it sucks, more than anything has ever sucked in my life. But I have a lot of wonderful things in my life, like my husband, family, a great job, and great friends. I have spoke to a couple people who have had m/c and they all say the same thing-it sucks but it happened for a reason. They are all optimistic-but they all got pregnant again on the next cycle. I can only hope that we have the same outcome. I went into the last cycle confident that we were going to get pregnant, I never felt that in any previous cycle. And I feel that same feeling coming back, I just want to get on with it already! Is this normal?

Tomorrow will be a long day. We are getting a new computer system at work and we go live with it tomorrow. Then after work I have to drive to Milwaukee to have dinner with the president of the company I work for. So I am sure I wont' get home until after 10-I am dreading the long day. Hopefully it will be another "good" day, cause I am just not ready for another "bad" day.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

today is another day

I want to thank everyone who had commented, called, or emailed me. I truly appreciate your support and love. For those of you that have left messages, I am sorry I haven't called you back, I am just not ready to talk to anyone, nor can I talk about what all happened right now without crying. The whole situation still sucks! Physically I am feeling better. The cramping has lessened, I only have them once every couple of hours and now they just feel like a mild menstrual cramp. I am still bleeding, not as badly, but expect that to last a few more days. I should expect to spot for another week or so. Emotionally I am exhausted. I have an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I keep reliving Sunday night over and over in my head-I know its not healthy, but can't help it. I am not angry, but very frustrated.
I feel like subconsciously I knew something was going to happen. I didn't want to get excited that we were pregnant-didn't want to look at baby stuff-nothing. I knew we had a long way to go before we were in the clear. In my mind I could not get excited until I saw the baby on a u/s and had a heartbeat. On Friday when we were back at home I told my husband that I didn't feel pregnant anymore-not that I had any major signs in the first place-but I didn't feel the same. I even made him stop at the store so I could buy another pregnancy test. I took it the next morning and the second line was really light-which it should have been really dark at this point. DH figured I would just worry and get more paranoid, but maybe I just knew....

I just don't get why everything has to be this hard, it just doesn't make sense to me. I know God has a plan, and he only gives us what we can handle, but it doesn't make any of this any easier. Sitting in the hospital waiting room I just kept looking around me at these parents that have no idea how lucky they are. Most of the "families" in there were young-I am talking 18 years old or less. I am sure they weren't "trying" to get pregnant but do. How is that fair that there are people like us that try, try, and try and nothing. Then we have to go to a RE, get picked and prodded, time after time, not to mention the stupid violating u/s stick. To finally conceive and miscarry a few weeks later, life is just not fair, it's just such bull shit--okay maybe I am angry!!! I just want my husband to come home, I selfishly need him right now. I know he is trying to have fun, and that it what I want. I didn't want him to come home early, he has been looking forward to this trip for months and I know his dad and brother in law were as excited as he was.

So where do we go from here you may ask? I go back to the doctor on Friday, mainly just for bloodwork. I had the choice of doing my follow up with my OB or going back to my RE. I decided to go back to my RE, I have had the most contact with them in the last 6 months and feel it is a little more personal. I have to follow up with my OB today, but still haven't heard back from them-so who knows what they will tell me. Anyway bloodwork-my hcg beta has to return down to zero before we can go forward. There is no definite time frame on this-it takes different lengths of time for each person. Once that happens I have 3 options

1. wait for a period-my average cycle is 52-76 days so we may be waiting a while.
2. Bring a period on using medroxyprogesterone, which it what I was using with clomid.
3. just start a new cycle right away since I don't produce anything with out drugs

We are opting for options 2 this way my uterus will shed it lining one more time and it will be clean. So were are doing another cycle of gonal F, I responded so well the last time they are really confident in it working again-but I am not getting my hopes up. The RE's staff has been really supportive and Mandy, one of my nurses, has the same issues I have. No response from orals, great response from injectables. Miscarried her first time and now has 2 kids. She also reminded me that my body can conceive and that is the hardest part. She has no idea how much I appreciate her kind words and support. I have hope, and I am holding onto it for dear life!!

Monday, June 23, 2008

just when it's started it's over

what a crappy ending to a good weekend. Needless to say I miscarried last night. There isn't much to say. I am still cramping really bad as well as bleeding. I am angry, sad, and every other emotion you could have. I am not blaming myself, I understand this all happens for a reason, but it doesn't make it suck any less.

I wasn't feeling well last night when I left my cousins gift opening. As I drove home, I started to cramp really bad, to the point I felt like I could pass out. When I came home, I went to the bathroom and saw blood. I called the 24 hr nurse line and they told me to go straight to the hospital emergency room. To make matters worse, my husband left for Atlanta last night, so I had to go alone. When I got there it was like entering a horror movie. It was packed, when I checked in they told me the wait was around 3 hrs-great so I can sit there in my bloody pants listening to babies cry around me-can't wait!! After sitting there in agony for 3 hrs I finally got back to see someone. I had blood tests and a u/s. There was nothing found on the u/s and my beta had dropped to 28. So it's over! I got a hold of my DH and had to tell him the bad news on his boys trip, which sucked! My mom came down to spend a few days with me so I am not alone. Anyway, I am sure I will write more later. I have a call out to my doctor, I have no idea where I go from here.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

happy birthday to me

I am officially out of my 20's, how depressing!!! Yesterday, I spent a low key day just hanging out with my Dh. My morning started out with breakfast at 7:30 in the morning with my cousins fiance and obviously my dh. Then we came home and I decided to go back to bed-I never do that. So I slept again until 10:30, it was wonderful. We got up and went to a store I have been wanting to check out down on the square, then the zoo which was packed. We went for custard and to Brennens, a local market. We then came home to a nice surprise (just in case you don't know me, I HATE surprises) My inlaws came down to have dinner with us and hang out for my birthday. They drove 2 1/2 hrs JUST for dinner, and then went back home. It was no nice of them to do that, and meant a lot to me!! After that we came home and I laid on the couch-and that was the end of my day. I have to go back to work today and then to Chicago for some training tomorrow. Then I am going home for my cousins wedding.

I still feel good. I just want July 3 rd to be here, it is killing me! I thought the 2ww was bad, this is so much more grueling! Especially when I don't feel anything. How do people get through this? I know stay busy, and relax-well that is harder said than done!!!! My appointment is 2 weeks from today, I just need to hear that heartbeat!!!!

Sunday, June 15, 2008

forgive me father, for I have sinned

I am sorry I haven't posted in a while, it has been a very stressful week. I have been digesting the news. I was supposed to take a HPT on Tuesday. The test results were a little confusing to me, so we decided to wait and retest on Wednesday morning. I shouldn't say they were confusing, but hard to believe. These were my results:

Needless to say they were positive, but really light. So I called my doctor to tell her that I was pulling a positive, and to see if I did something wrong. I have only taken a HPT every month for the last 16 months, but maybe I have been doing it wrong the entire time. She told me congratulations, you are pregnant because it is really hard to pull a false positive, although it does happen. Come in for a blood test to double check. My first beta was 34, which is fairly low, but the doctor wasn't to concerned due to the fact I was "just pregnant." But she did want us to come back on Friday to ensure my beta had at least a 60% increase. My second beta ws 68, so I doubled, which is what they ideally want. In talking to my RE she isn't too concerned about my numbers. I have to go back to her on July 3rd for my first u/s. If there is a fetal heart beat then there is a 96% chance of me carrying full term, and I will be released to my OB. In the mean time, I should relax and just enjoy being pregnant! Ha, Ha, How do you do that? I am really trying to just go with the flow, but it is so hard not to think about it. I want this baby so bad!! I don't know how I am supposed to wait 3 wks to know if this is going to be okay! The 2ww was hard enough.

I feel good, I can't say I feel pregnant or even notice any big changes. My boobs hurt, but they have hurt for about 6 wks, although they do seem a little bigger. Not big enough to buy a new bra though. I have noticed I go from full to starving in about 3.2 seconds, and if I don't eat soon I feel nauseous. I am getting a little more tired, but I think that is from being stressed out and my crazy work schedule. Other than that all is well, like I said there are no visable signs, although I do have to urinate a lot more now.

In other thoughts, the last time I was back home, my cousin gave me a big buddha statue, that they call a fertility god. Both of my cousins used it while trying to get pregnant. It is a big statue that you can put in your yard.

It is supposed to give you good baby luck! The scary thing is I am kind of believing it. Obviously it worked, but now I am wondering why I didn't just take it home on my wedding night. We could have alleviated a lot of pain!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

patience, my friend

I know everyone has been checking this to see how it came out, but I don't know anything yet! I am just not ready to know. I promise to keep you all informed after I find out and digest the news. In the mean time thanks for reading, and sorry for the suspense!

Sunday, June 8, 2008

exhausted, tired, wiped out

I could sleep for days! The weekend is over, how sad! Yesterday, I went up to my families cottage for my cousins bachelorette party-what a hoot! We had so much fun. There were 18 of us that went up, mostly my cousins and our mom's and a few friends. We did the usual bachelorette stuff, went boating, and just hung out. The girls went to the bar dressed in costumes at 11, my cousin and I were the designated drivers! I would love to tell you more, but a few of my family members read this and you know how it goes "what happens at the cottage stays at the cottage!"

Tomorrow morning DH's cousins from Norway are coming for breakfast. They are traveling the states for the next 3 weeks! I have never met them and I am excited for them to visit. DH saw them last night, and had dinner with them. I am obviously still trying to stay as busy as possible so time will slip past-so far it has been working better than expected. I also turn 30 a week from Tuesday--I am not looking forward to that day!! I am sad I am leaving my 20's. For all of you that have emailed me or posted in the last 2w, thank you for you love and support. Without all of you I don't think I would get through all of this!!

Friday, June 6, 2008


I am so glad this week is almost over! One good thing about this 2ww is that I have been so busy I haven't had time to really think. Okay so maybe I have a little time! I am working this afternoon and tomorrow morning. I am heading up to my cousins Cottage for another cousins bachlorette party. It should be a good time! My only concern is my family is going to be watching for me to drink a alcoholic beverage. Obviously I am not drinking because of I am hoping to god that I am prego. I have a large family (my dad is the oldest of 9 kids) and we are all super close! In fact my I would consider most of my cousins my best friends, we all get along great and enjoy doing things with each other. Only a few of them know about my issues, and I don't want anyone else finding out, especially at this function because I will spend half my night answering questions. I'll figure something out!

On Sunday, my mom, husband and I are going to a fishing tournament that my dad is in...sounds fun! (notice the sarcasm) It actually isn't bad. It is a town festival and there is good food and family friends I haven't seen in a while.

Obviously I won't be posting until Sunday sometime, but will update then on my weekend festivities. Hope everyone has a great weekend-the weather here is finally supposed to be nice!!

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

1 wk down

The title says it all. So far I really don't feel any different than any other cycle. I don't know if that is good or bad. I am still a little crampy, although I do feel a lot better, but I am assuming that is from OHSS. I haven't been sleeping well, so I have been tired during the day. I have been waking up numerous times in the middle of the night for no reason, and just can't get comfortable to fall back asleep. And then, I just get frustrated that I can't sleep, which I think in return keeps me awake longer.

There is a part of me that is anxious and afraid of next week. I am sick of the disappointment, but yet somewhat have that expectation. I want so badly to be a mom, and to be pregnant, but I don't know anything else other than a negative pee stick. And on the other hand it's just another week. I feel like I have avoided thinking about it and blogging so may be I won't think about it. In some ways it has worked and in others it hasn't. I feel somewhat numb, it's weird. In other months I have obsessed about it at this point. I know it really isn't worth the stress to be that consumed, but it is so hard not to be.

Monday, June 2, 2008

sorry I didn't update

On Saturday morning, I went in to see my RE because of all the pain I was in. I do have a mild case of OHSS. I had a u/s done and my ovaries were enlarged, my left was mild, right was to big it was on my left side as well. My labs came back good, so my RE wasn't to concerned. She also thinks that this is a blessing because most cases the patient is also pregnant. It felt good to hear that, but I don't want to get my hopes up. She suggested exercise-which hurts, and increased salt and protein diet. Pretty much anything that will make me retain fluid-weird huh?!

This weekend I went home to my parents for my mom's birthday, as well as my cousins bridal shower. We came home on Sunday night because I had to work today. Other than that things have been pretty uneventful. I don't feel any different besides I am craving BBQ chips (or brown chips as Payton would say), which I have always disliked and have heart burn from hell. I am assuming the heartburn is a stress flare up from not feeling well and just the anxiety of injectable fertility drugs.