Friday, April 18, 2008

fertility drugs

After more discussion with my doctor and nurse, we found out that we were a little mislead. When we applied for this drug program we were told that we would have to do the start stimming as soon as we got it, due to the fact the drug only had a 30 day shelf life. Come to find out, it can be kept in the refrigerator for up to a year. So that took a little pressure off. We received the application information on Wednesday. I have spent the last couple days getting everything together. It is kind of like going to the bank to get a loan. I have to send in the application, our current 1040 federal form, last 2 pay stubs from both hubby and I, copies of both sides of our insurance cards, and some release forms. From there they will review it to see if we qualify. I am a little concerned about this, because I think we might make too much money, but we will see. The application makes reference to poverty level and average income. We are not rich, but we live a good life. Then if we are approved they will send the drugs to my RE's office. I don't know if they hold on to it until we start or if they call us to come pick it up.

When I come back in August, we will be obviously starting this process. In the early stages of infertility, I was on medroxyprgesterone which could bring on AF. I used to take it, 10 days on, 20 days off, then repeat. I would get AF at about day 9 or 10 of the 10 day cycle. So we were suggested to use that to plan exactly when we wanted to start the injections. When AF comes, I will have to go in on day 3 for some blood work and u/s. They will mainly be checking some hormone levels and to ensure I have no cysts on my ovaries. If these test come back badly, they will correct the problem and we will start the following cycle. If they are good, we start injectables that night.

This weekend we are having some of my cousins and there significant others down. We're planning on going out Saturday night for dinner and drinks and see where our night takes us. It should be a good time. Then I work Sunday night, and Monday we leave for Altoona to see DH's family. Dh's sister plays for the Rails softball team. Since it is her senior year, we definitely want to see as much of her playing as our schedule allows.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Hold up, wait a minute

We have pretty much decided to wait until August, no matter what. We just need a break. We were approved through the first process of the free drug program. But to my understanding, it is a one time deal. So if we wait, we can still be approved, but we won't know until we get closer to August. If we were to apply for the rest now, and got the drugs, we have to use them. So if it didn't fit into our schedule with Disney and New York, then it would be a waste. We are both okay with this decision, although it wasn't easy. It is kind of nice going back to my regular diet. Not that I had to make a lot of changes, but boy did I miss Starbucks! Decaf just isn't the same. But Beer isn't as good as I remember. Don't get me wrong, I still like it, it just doesn't taste the same to me. I know I am weird!

It is kind of nice being a little less stressed than before. I feel guilty for waiting. In my heart I feel it is the right thing to do. The unfortunate part, is that it doesn't make any of this easier. The guilt, heartache, sadness, jealousy, and the frustration are still there-it is all kind of numbing.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008


Our lives seem to be an everlasting roller coaster!! Yesterday I spoke with my IVF coordinator (no I am not having IVF, but that is her title.) She is the one that organizes everything I am doing as far as treatment. Apparently, Justin and I qualify for some program that may be able to get us drugs for 1 month for free. That is $1500 worth of drugs for nothing!! So I had to fill some paperwork out, make some phone calls, and once again wait. They are wanting me to start this cycle already since my body is already in that zone-but we will see. It takes 48 hrs for the background check to go through-mainly they are double checking to make sure our insurance won't cover any of it. Then there is a application process, so like I said we will see.

I really don't know how to feel about this all. We don't really know if this is a now or never on the free samples or if we can wait until August. I had kind of taken a sign of relief from all the stress and now I am back to being anxious. So who knows what will happen next. All I know is that I can't wait to go on vacation! No matter where we are in this whole situation it will be a nice break to be in the "happiest place on earth"

Monday, April 7, 2008


Yesterday we went to the doctor, and as you have seen from yesterdays post it did not go the way we wanted it to. My body is not responding to the femara so if we want to have are own children we have to to do injectables. There is no other option anymore. We have decided to take a break from this for a little while. If I were to start now, I would have to stop when I started traveling to New York, Kansas City, and Minneapolis. We also would only be able to do one round because of our trip to Florida. So we will start back up in August full force. By then we will be regrouped and ready to jump back in. Mentally, we just need a break from the stress of this all. Starting injectables is twice as stressful as what we have already done. There will be doctors appts with ultrasounds and blood tests every three days. We just need a break from that right now.

This whole process is the most draining thing I have ever experienced in my life. It is frustrating that you dream of being a mother from the time you are old enough to comprehend what a mother is. You play house with dolls, and take them everywhere with you. And then when you grow up and are ready to take on the responsibility, you can't. It is not that you are just not timing it right or it is taking a little while, you really just can't do it with out someone elses help. And that help is a pretty penny. You see people having one night stands or high schoolers getting pregnant from "just one time." I just don't get it. It makes you question your worth as a woman. I know there are millions of woman going through the same thing I am going through, but it as though we are all ashamed of it, like it makes us less of a person. But really we are no different. We have the same hopes, prayers, and wishes the mother nine months pregnant does.

I know that there is no other person I would rather go through this with than Justin. I don't know many men that could deal with the situation or me for that matter the way he does. Sometimes it is as simple as silent support or a shoulder to cry on-no matter what I seem to need, he seems to be able to fix it. I know that his main concern in life is my well being and making me happy. And every night when I go to bed, I look over and thank God that he chose us to spend our lives together.

I know God has a plan for us, I just wish I knew what it was. This whole situation has made me stronger in my faith, and stronger as a person. Although, I didn't feel I needed to get any stronger. I will continue to use this blog as a way of "talking" about it. I still have a lot of emotions about this and I don't think that those emotions will go away anytime soon. For those of you close to us, don't be afraid to ask us information about it, or just talk to us about it. It actually helps us to talk about it. I will update my plan of action once I talk to my doctor tomorrow.

Sunday, April 6, 2008


needless to say, our test did not go well this morning. Oral medications are not working for me, so our only chance is to do injectables. I will write more tomorrow about this. I am tired and drained from today. Thank you for all the thoughts and prayers. Until tomorrow.......

Thursday, April 3, 2008

pink, it's fun

I changed my blog set up to pink. I needed something bright and cheerful, this is the best they got. So I have been taking letrozole for the last 3 days, actually femara, and it hasn't been bad at all. But before I get into that, I have to tell you about my drugs. So after every appointment that they change my meds, I have to come home and sit on the phone with all the pharmacies in Madison because everyone has a different price, and it is a big swing, normally $100-150. And one medication may be cheaper one place, and the next one isn't. Anyway, we took my prescription to Cub foods, they gave us the cheapest quote at $250. When I called they had letrozole, but when they filled my prescription they didn't have it, so they gave me femara. Femara is the Brand name drug, letrozole is the generic. So when dh called me to tell me they were giving me femara I paniced because if letrozole cost $250 what was femara going to cost us. We would have been better taking it somewhere else. The Pharmacist only charged us $50.....yes only $50. I thought maybe they only charged us because I only got half of the prescription because they didn't have enough in stock and needed to get more from another pharmacy. But when I went to pick up the rest of the prescription today, they didn't charge me anything. Obviously they are definitely going to get our business again if we need more drugs. I think it was a big mistake, but I am not complaining. 2 breaks in one week, maybe things are looking up, even if it is just a little. Back to the drugs, I haven't had any side effects at all with femara except hot flashes and a little dizziness, but not like clomid. The hot flashes suck, and they are really bad at night. When I was on clomid I really only got them at night, now I get them all the time. Other than that I have felt "normal", at least what I have known as normal since starting drugs.

I have to admit, I am having a lot of anxiety this month. Last month, I felt bloated and my abdomen was really tender to the touch. I guess I wasn't really surprised for the RE to tell me that the clomid didn't work. This month I feel nothing. I am bloated, but other that I feel nothing. Once in a while I will get a crampy pain in my lower abs and then it goes away, so I assume it is gas. I am also feeling the pressure that it has to work because of me traveling this summer. I feel bad that we will have to take time off, like it is an inconvenience. But we have no other choice. If I turned this job down it would be career suicide for me. I have already turned down a promotion to Milwaukee because we had just bought our house and I didn't want to commute. So if I didn't go, I don't think they would give me any more opportunities anytime soon.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008


Missy-thanks alot for the comment you left on my last post, it really means a lot!!

no go

The clomid this cycle did not work. They think the only reason why it worked the last time is because I took it for 10 days. We had 3 options:

1. do nothing and see if it just taking longer
2. Start lexrozole, which is the generic Femara. This is an oral medication that works similar to clomid. They don't use it very often because it so expensive, and also clomid works for most people.
3. Start injectables

So I am starting to take Letrozole today, for 5 days and then go back for another u/s on Sunday. This drug has next to no side effects, and leaves your body after the five days, unlike clomid that can stay in your body for 53 day-that is why the side effects last so long. This drug is our last shot before we have to go to injectables. I am scared to death of the cost of the shots. This alone is $250 for only a 5 day supply. I have heard rumor that injectables are $1200 and then you have to have blood work and u/s every few days, so I can't begin to imagine how it will add up. On the bright side of that-it's a guarantee that it will work. We also don't want to start injectables yet because when I go out of town for work this summer, I will have to stop fertility all together until I get back home in August. At least that will give us a little time to save some money