today is another day

I want to thank everyone who had commented, called, or emailed me. I truly appreciate your support and love. For those of you that have left messages, I am sorry I haven't called you back, I am just not ready to talk to anyone, nor can I talk about what all happened right now without crying. The whole situation still sucks! Physically I am feeling better. The cramping has lessened, I only have them once every couple of hours and now they just feel like a mild menstrual cramp. I am still bleeding, not as badly, but expect that to last a few more days. I should expect to spot for another week or so. Emotionally I am exhausted. I have an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I keep reliving Sunday night over and over in my head-I know its not healthy, but can't help it. I am not angry, but very frustrated.

I feel like subconsciously I knew something was going to happen. I didn't want to get excited that we were pregnant-didn't want to look at baby stuff-nothing. I knew we had a long way to go before we were in the clear. In my mind I could not get excited until I saw the baby on a u/s and had a heartbeat. On Friday when we were back at home I told my husband that I didn't feel pregnant anymore-not that I had any major signs in the first place-but I didn't feel the same. I even made him stop at the store so I could buy another pregnancy test. I took it the next morning and the second line was really light-which it should have been really dark at this point. DH figured I would just worry and get more paranoid, but maybe I just knew....

I just don't get why everything has to be this hard, it just doesn't make sense to me. I know God has a plan, and he only gives us what we can handle, but it doesn't make any of this any easier. Sitting in the hospital waiting room I just kept looking around me at these parents that have no idea how lucky they are. Most of the "families" in there were young-I am talking 18 years old or less. I am sure they weren't "trying" to get pregnant but do. How is that fair that there are people like us that try, try, and try and nothing. Then we have to go to a RE, get picked and prodded, time after time, not to mention the stupid violating u/s stick. To finally conceive and miscarry a few weeks later, life is just not fair, it's just such bull shit--okay maybe I am angry!!! I just want my husband to come home, I selfishly need him right now. I know he is trying to have fun, and that it what I want. I didn't want him to come home early, he has been looking forward to this trip for months and I know his dad and brother in law were as excited as he was.

So where do we go from here you may ask? I go back to the doctor on Friday, mainly just for bloodwork. I had the choice of doing my follow up with my OB or going back to my RE. I decided to go back to my RE, I have had the most contact with them in the last 6 months and feel it is a little more personal. I have to follow up with my OB today, but still haven't heard back from them-so who knows what they will tell me. Anyway bloodwork-my hcg beta has to return down to zero before we can go forward. There is no definite time frame on this-it takes different lengths of time for each person. Once that happens I have 3 options

1. wait for a period-my average cycle is 52-76 days so we may be waiting a while.
2. Bring a period on using medroxyprogesterone, which it what I was using with clomid.
3. just start a new cycle right away since I don't produce anything with out drugs

We are opting for options 2 this way my uterus will shed it lining one more time and it will be clean. So were are doing another cycle of gonal F, I responded so well the last time they are really confident in it working again-but I am not getting my hopes up. The RE's staff has been really supportive and Mandy, one of my nurses, has the same issues I have. No response from orals, great response from injectables. Miscarried her first time and now has 2 kids. She also reminded me that my body can conceive and that is the hardest part. She has no idea how much I appreciate her kind words and support. I have hope, and I am holding onto it for dear life!!