do you miss me?

Sorry it been so long. Nothing new here. We are 1wk post iui. I can't say I feel any different.

Pregnancy symptoms:
tired? yes, but have been working my butt off at work.

sore chest? nothing

cramps? nothing

moody? I would be lying if I said no, but also a little on edge from work

food cravings/aversions? Always, but I have had them really bad since starting hormones.

I guess those are the major ones and so far not anything to read into. Other than that I am still back home. I been working but also making some time to see friends and family. I have a busy next few days. Tomorrow is my last day of work, and then I am spending some time with a close friend who I rarely get to see anymore. Friday, I am getting my hair done and my parents are having a fish fry with friends so I will be joining their festivities. And on Saturday I am going to a Poison concert!! Yes folks I am a 80's fan. This should be hilarious!! I am going with my cousin and some Friends (of course our husbands will be there.) Tesla and skid row are opening for them. I feel like I should crimp my hair or do dress up for this show. Anyway, I hope everyone has a good weekend!!!!

So far so good. I haven't really been thinking about this cycle, which is so strange to me. Hopefully I can keep that up. I am probably going to freak out about 3 or 4 days before I have to test, but wouldn't it be nice if I was as calm as I am now. I wish I knew why I am so calm, it is completely our of character for me. Apart of me is wondering, am I just getting used to this whole process, is this becoming what normal is. I don't want to get used to it!! I don't want it to be normal! I miss my "real" normal life. Doing things that I want to do, buying thing, going out to dinner, drinking Star.bucks. All of which I don't do at all anymore, because we have to save money! It sucks. anyway sorry for this tantrum. I was just having a little pity party. Well I am leaving town today for work. Hopefully this week goes fast! I will check in this week.

Hope everyone has a good week!!

another one bites the dust

We had our IUI this morning. Everything went fine. SA was great as usual, dh's counts were down a little, around 57 million. Apparently, most peoples counts drop this time of year due to the heat. I found that a little interesting, but it definitely made sense. It also didn't hurt as much as it normally dose, so that was a double bonus.

I have gone into this IUI, like I have nothing to lose. No one seems to have to much confidence that this cycle will work, but its better than 2/3 of the cycles I have had in the last 18 months. I produced 1 egg, and I ovulated-2 things I didn't do before. So, what do I have to lose? It only takes one, right? Maybe because of that I won't worry as much, or much less think about the 2ww. Next week should keep me busy. I found out I have to travel all week. It actually works well because I will be in stores in my home town. I am sure my parents will be thrilled that I am home all week. As much as I love going home, I feel like I have been there way to much this summer!!

So before I leave, I have a funny, well actually it's kind of strange. DH is working overnights this week because of our IUI and last night was his first night. Needless to say, he was extremely over tired this morning at our appt. We were waiting for our RE to come in the room, and he started laughing hysterically. I asked him what the deal was because nothing was said. He told me that he was daydreaming (more like a nightmare) on how funny it would be for the RE to come in and see him undressed from the waist down, covered up with a white sheet with his feet in stirrups. I don't think he is right. I told him we needed to get him home to bed and he needs to be careful what he wishes for. Sometimes I just don't know............

it only takes one

Nothing improved. My one and only eggs is measuring at 22mm. The double dose did nothing to help things. In fact, I don't even have another egg over 10mm, they literally all stayed the same size. So, we are doing a IUI tomorrow. Normally we do 2 IUI, back-to-back days. This time we are only doing to do 1. My RE doesn't feel it will increase our chances at all to have 2. One positive is that it will save us a little money. I am trying to stay positive, but can't deny that I am disappointed. I have to continue to remind myself it only takes one, and that happens everyday. I am looking forward to a little brake from giving myself shots, even if it is only two weeks.

Worse case scenario-we take what we learned this cycle and the last cycle and get it right the next time.

the wind is out of my sail

I went in to this cycle extremely positive. We knew we could get pregnant, so we just needed to start over again. We really had faith it would happen. My RE has been extremely positive, taking a new direction with this cycle. And then I went to my appointment yesterday, and all the wind came out of my sail. My endometrium lining is great, but I have 1 follie/egg that is ready, it is over 17 mm as of yesterday. My RE said the following "well I don't know if we are going to get you pregnant this cycle, but at least your insides won't hurt from OHSS." Please don't tell me that we don't know if your going to get me pregnant this cycle, that just made me feel like it's okay that you injected poison into my body, been violated by a magical wand 5 times, been stuck more than you can count, and been on a rollercoaster of emotions-and I DON'T LIKE ROLLERCOASTERS!! Oh yeah, not to mention we are broke, and you just wasted $2500 on a cycle for NOTHING! Instead you could say, "you have one great egg, lets get you pregnant, you know it only takes one." I personally think that might be a little more encouraging. But, my RE wants more than one egg, so she increased my dose to 150 iu, which is more than I have ever taken, and I go back tomorrow. She is assuming tomorrow will be trigger day, but just in case my body decides to have a mind of its own, I will also be doing OPK's at home. She wants to get some of the other eggs over 13 or 14 mm.

Now I have spent way to many hours on the Internet researching, so you would think I would know the answer to this. But if they increase my dose to 150 iu, the 17 mm is going to be huge-so big that in my mind it is ineffective. And the other ones become between 13-14mm, isn't that to small to do anything. So why didn't we just go with the one at 17mm yesterday? Everyday thousands of woman get pregnant from 1 freaking egg. I am trusting her because she is the professional, but sometimes that is not real reassuring. My DH thinks I am just over reacting because of the drugs-maybe I am, but I am still feeling it. It is still what I go though. And it isn't going away!!

So, Thursday and Friday will be IUI days. I am hoping for the best, but still scared to death. I just don't want another month of disappointment.

Ps. My dad was diagnosed with Cancer back in early March. He had been done with treatment since the end of May. Today he went in for a CAT scan to find out if they got it all. So if you could all say an extra prayer for him, I would appreciate it. Thanks!

no change

well not much to update, no change really. I still have small stuff and my E2 stayed pretty much the same at 100. So they increased my dose to 75 iu, which is what I took at the end of my last cycle. I go back for another u/s on Monday.

So in the mean time, I am back home for another family wedding. I will get to have another "baby fix" from my cousins kid tomorrow. Part of the wedding is a golf outing, I don't golf so I am taking all the kids with another cousin of mine. It should be fun!! Hope everyone has a good weekend. I will update more on Sunday. TA TA for now.

slower is better?

So sorry it taken me so long to update today, I had to work and just got home at 10 pm. They have decided to keep me at 50 iu. My e2 was 99 and I had small folli's. We actually had a really good appointment. My RE sat and talked with us about a whole bunch of things including obviously what the game plan is for this cycle. They are going to take what they learned from my last cycle and make some changes. First of all they started us low because my e2 spiked to badly the last time. Also I am responding so well to low doses they think this is a better option. Due to the low dose, I will produce slower. My last cycle I took shots for 8 days-4 at 100 iu, and 4 at 75 iu. Last cycle, I had appointments every 4 days, this cycle every 3. So, I will have more appointments which means more money-that sucks! Ya gotta do what ya gotta do.

In this new "game plan" she also decided her goal is to get me pregnant with twins! Her theory in this is if I get pregnant with twins, and miscarry one, I will have a singleton in the end. And worst case, I have twins. I am totally fine with this, although I was a little shocked she came out and said it. We kind of thought that this might a possibility anyway. We chit chatted about the miscarriage, and what it really means-which I already know. We also talked about some of the stuff on the u/s-that we see but don't know what it is. I know what I am looking at when they measure, but she showed us other things about my cervix and uterus. It was like we were hanging out talking like we had been good friends for 10 years. It was kind of nice. I feel really good about the appointment and about this cycle.

I don't know what my problem seems to be this month, but shots hurt like hell. When I went to have my blood drawn this morning, she couldn't get any blood from my arm, which was strange. But she was digging for the vein with the needle still in my arm. It hurt so bad that I had to make her stop and use the other arm. The other arm gave her blood but hurt just as bad. Both arms have matching bruises the size of quarters now. I have not had any markings other than a pin mark on either one of my arms since I started IF over a year ago. When I was giving my self my shot last night, it bothered me too. I thought it was that I had given to many shots to that side of my body with out switching it up. Tonight I did it on the other side and it hurt like hell. I don't get it. And this cycle had only just begun, I go back to my RE on Friday morning.

Happy surprise birthday

(this is a long blog)

A few months ago, my husband had told me that I had to be home this weekend and I couldn't make any plans to do anything. Originally I was supposed to be traveling this month, so I was planning on Flying home. Due to the fact I wasn't traveling, I was told we had plans this weekend. His family came down on Saturday afternoon, they live about 2 1/2 hrs north of us. We hung out and played games all night. When we went to bed, I started asking questions because I knew something was going on for Sunday. DH told me that he wanted to surprise me, but his and my immediate family were all going to a Bre.wer game on Sunday (in case you didn't now we are sports junkies, anything Wisconsin-pack.ers, bad.gers, or Bre.wers.)

So we got on the road pretty early, around 9 am. The game was started at 1.pm, so we left early to tailgate. He had talked to my sister a couple of times on the way, but he played it off as wanting to know where we were and where we should park. Little did I know that 37 of my closest family and friends met at 8:30 in the morning and caravaned down to Milwau .kee to go to this game.

As we pulled in, my sister called again to let DH know where they were parked. Keep in mind at this point, I still had no idea that anything was going on. As we were pulling up, one of cousin's got out of a car, who's car- I don't know, but I was thinking "how nice is that, she must have had nothing going on today." Then we were parking and I looked next to me and another one of my cousin's were getting out of a car. Suddenly, family members were coming out of the woodwork-and it dawned on me-they were all there to celebrate my birthday. IT WAS SO AWESOME. All of my cousins that I spend a lot of time with, there children, and parents were there. We also had some close family friends that took time out of there days to come.

We cooked out-let me tell you it was a smorgasbord!!! Brats, hamburgers, salads, bars, dips, you name it we had it. The weather was gorgeous, sunny mid 70's. We hung out, played yard games-bags, lazy golf. All the beer and soda you drink. I actually broke the rules and had 3 beers (in a 5 hrs time, don't worry I didn't get bombed) but it felt good to be normal for a day. All of our seats were together, yes, 37 seats. The game was a sell out, so it was packed. The Bre.wers won-yeah that is always a bonus!!

After the game, we went back and hung out for a while! On the way home we stopped at a custard store that I love and the flavor of the day was mint chip (this is my all time favorite flavor), it was a sign from god that it was MY DAY! After that we came home, ordered pizza with my cousin and her husband, crashed!!! I was exhausted. I would classify yesterday as one of the best days of my life-right up there with the day DH proposed to me and my wedding day. Here is a picture of my cousins and I-I am the one in Yellow!

On the If front. I got the go ahead from my RE to start the injectables. Tonight will be my 3rd night of shots. They started my dosage really low, half of what I started the last time. So, I am taking 50 iu every shot. I go beck to the Re tomorrow morning. I wish I knew why they were starting me so low, but they are the professionals. I am just scared this cycle will cost me more money. Well, I hope you all had a great weekend. I am sorry that this blog was so long. I promise to update after tomorrows appt.

co worker

I kind of surprised myself last night. I had inventory until the wee hrs of the morning. During a conversation with one of my associates, she told me that she is pregnant, about 7 wks. Now of course the first thing that came to mind:

That would have been around my due date.
We could have compared stories, gone through some of it together.
What the hell are you doing telling people already-you are only 7 wks.
This is supposed to be me!!!!
Stop Mandy, this is not about you!!!

But then I came back into the real world, I was truly happy for her. Maybe it is because I barely know her, nor does she know any of my circumstances. There wasn't any resentment. Of course I am jealous, and wish it was me, but it's not and I can't change that. My managers were trying to keep this from me, they didn't know how I would handle it. I was actually told in front of one of them and she was shocked at how well I took it. It is what it is!

So we move on to tomorrow mornings appt. I am ready for the new chapter to begin. As kimberli stated, I have my boxing gloves back on and I am ready to fight the ugly IF. And this bitch is going down!!!

and a new chapter begins

The next chapter begins today, Af came a little early. Have I mentioned that I am so sick of bleeding. I know that is a little disgusting, but after the m/c and now AF, its never ending. So the plan is to go in for my baseline u/s on Saturday morning. As of right now the plan is to do another round of Gonal-F, with a trigger when we have a good 3 eggs. Last time that was about 8 days of shots, which isn't to bad. I am also assuming they will start me out slower because of the OHSS last time. Now this could all change on Saturday depending on my u/s and bloodwork. I do have this fear that they will find something and make me take a cycle off. Then, I will have to wait yet again. It feels like an eternity since I cycled, yet it seems so soon after my m/c. It is so crazy that just short of 3 weeks ago I m/c. It almost seems like a dream or a out of body experience. I just want to get on with it, yet I am scared as hell!! My mind is ready I just hope my body is as well!!

back to reality

We had a great weekend up north! When we went to Florida last month it was the break I needed to clear my head before starting another cycle. This weekend was the same medicine. I am ready to start again, I have my positive attitude back, and we are going to get pregnant again!! I think part of it is spending time with people I greatly care about. They all know about what we are going through, and give us the love and support we need. My cousins are my best friends, we have all been through so many of life's challenges together. I truly don't know what I would do without them!! They seem to give me strength in ways that I can't find myself. If any of you are reading this-thank you and I love you!!

Anyway, we are back in town. Yesterday, we spent the entire day trying to put up a ceiling fan in our spare bedroom. This is the 3rd one we have attempted. The first one we couldn't even get the light to turn. The second we could get the light and not the fan. Now, there is no way we have 3 lemons. We tried the 3rd, and have the same problem as the second. In talking with my uncle, who is a regular handy man, he thinks the electrician screwed something up when wiring our house. He thinks we have everything connected correctly, and thinks that we had the first and second correct as well. So we will see if it works by the end of today. My DH had until 3 to get it working. We are going to the Brew.er game tonight. Rumor has it, it is a sell out game because of the trade they made this week. So that should be fun!!

On the IF front. I have 3 days left of medroxyprogesterone, so AF should be here by Thursday or Friday at the latest. That puts us at Sat. or Sun. for my baseline u/s. I am ready to start, but don't want to have AF after bleeding for ever with my m/c.

Hope everyone had a good weekend!

on the road again

So, I sit here with my computer sitting in front of me, not knowing what to write. I have been freaking out the last couple of days. My thoughts have been all over the place. I have been frustrated, angry, sad, and lost. I understand that I m/c but I don't seem to be mourning the loss but angry about everything else. So my solution is to get back on the horse again, to start over, to move on. I need it for my sanity. I need to feel hope again, I need to find faith, I need to believe that this is going to work and I will be a mother someday. As my title says, I have started my medroxyprogesterone to bring on AF. I will have AF in about 10 days and that will start a new cycle. I am hoping that this will put some of this to rest, but my mind is still racing..............



What if I can't get pregnant?

I am scared to death of not getting pregnant. The disappointment that I had cycle after cycle before I got pregnant was so debilitating. In all honesty, I felt I would never get pregnant. And the oral drugs seemed to make the process even harder due to the side effects.



What if I get pregnant?

Will I be excited or scared to death? I will never have that feeling of telling my parents or in laws for the first time again. Hearing the excitement in there voices that they are going to be grandparents and that our journey of infertility is over for the time being. When do we tell people if we do get pregnant? How will they react? I think I will be so paranoid that something will happen. This last time every little twitch of pain or discomfort I felt I thought something bad was happening (like I said maybe it actually was.) How do you not feel the anxiety, especially after m/c? At what point does it actually get better? Or doesn't it...........



What if I m/c again?

I don't think I could handle it! What can I do to prevent what happened, again? What does this mean for my infertility, does this change what it wrong with me? or does it add another complication? What do we do after that, another round of injectables or IVF?

How many times to I do this to myself?
I can't even think of this. I don't want to give up, but I am tired. I feel like I am loosing my identitly. I hate how I feel, it is not me. I am a confident, easy go lucky kind of girl. I don't waste time worring about things that I can't control. I am not that person anymore!! I need to find her.



I understand that no one has the answers-but damn it I WANT SOME!!! And I know we will never know until these circumstance happen. So I am going to go away for the holiday and I am going to enjoy my last horrah again before I start the heavy duty drugs. We are going to my aunt and uncles cabin with all of my cousins until Monday. I am hoping this will recharge me like my trip to Florida did. I just need a few days away full of fun and laughs. Hope you all have a great 4th, I probably won't be blogging again until Sunday or Monday

quick note

I only have a minute to update. Just wanted to let you know that we were given the okay to start another cycle. I have to take provera to bring on AF and then day 3 baseline after that. Now that I can start I am kind of panicing. I know it sounds crazy, I am just a little overwhelmed!