Wednesday, July 2, 2008

on the road again

So, I sit here with my computer sitting in front of me, not knowing what to write. I have been freaking out the last couple of days. My thoughts have been all over the place. I have been frustrated, angry, sad, and lost. I understand that I m/c but I don't seem to be mourning the loss but angry about everything else. So my solution is to get back on the horse again, to start over, to move on. I need it for my sanity. I need to feel hope again, I need to find faith, I need to believe that this is going to work and I will be a mother someday. As my title says, I have started my medroxyprogesterone to bring on AF. I will have AF in about 10 days and that will start a new cycle. I am hoping that this will put some of this to rest, but my mind is still racing..............

What if I can't get pregnant?

I am scared to death of not getting pregnant. The disappointment that I had cycle after cycle before I got pregnant was so debilitating. In all honesty, I felt I would never get pregnant. And the oral drugs seemed to make the process even harder due to the side effects.

What if I get pregnant?

Will I be excited or scared to death? I will never have that feeling of telling my parents or in laws for the first time again. Hearing the excitement in there voices that they are going to be grandparents and that our journey of infertility is over for the time being. When do we tell people if we do get pregnant? How will they react? I think I will be so paranoid that something will happen. This last time every little twitch of pain or discomfort I felt I thought something bad was happening (like I said maybe it actually was.) How do you not feel the anxiety, especially after m/c? At what point does it actually get better? Or doesn't it...........

What if I m/c again?

I don't think I could handle it! What can I do to prevent what happened, again? What does this mean for my infertility, does this change what it wrong with me? or does it add another complication? What do we do after that, another round of injectables or IVF?

How many times to I do this to myself?
I can't even think of this. I don't want to give up, but I am tired. I feel like I am loosing my identitly. I hate how I feel, it is not me. I am a confident, easy go lucky kind of girl. I don't waste time worring about things that I can't control. I am not that person anymore!! I need to find her.

I understand that no one has the answers-but damn it I WANT SOME!!! And I know we will never know until these circumstance happen. So I am going to go away for the holiday and I am going to enjoy my last horrah again before I start the heavy duty drugs. We are going to my aunt and uncles cabin with all of my cousins until Monday. I am hoping this will recharge me like my trip to Florida did. I just need a few days away full of fun and laughs. Hope you all have a great 4th, I probably won't be blogging again until Sunday or Monday

1 comment:

Mom said...


I am so glad that you are going to be able to spend the weekend with your family. As you watch them this weekend remember the love, support and strength that each of them have for you. Then in the days that come remember back to this weekend and draw on their strength and support especially on the days ahead when you need a pick me up. Love you lots, Mom T.