24 wk pictures

I have been slacking in the update department. First of all, here are my 24 wk belly shots. I am getting bigger......Don't mind the pj's.

I also have another good shot. At Dh's family Christmas there were 3 of us pregnant. His cousin's wife Robyn is due on March 21, me due on April 15, and Jenna his sister (my SIL) is due on may 30th:
It will very nice to have all of our kids so close in age.

the new black friday

Work was a zoo today! We were definitely busier than black Friday. I am glad it is over. Hopefully tomorrow won't be as busy. I am exhausted, does it ever end? The thought of having 3 days off next week excites me very much. Nothing new on the baby front. I go for my next appointment on January 4. I am hoping for a extremely uneventful appointment. I feel that I have had plenty of excitement in November and December to not need any of it this month. I am tired and rambling, so I am going to go to bed. I will write more tomorrow when I can actually form sentences that make sense and sound like an adult is writing them.

I am a bad blogger!!

First of all, my computer sucks. For those of you that use the reader, mine won't load. I have cleaned out my cache and cookies, and still nothing! Any other suggestions? So, I've barely been able to read updates, much less comment on other peoples blogs. We are still working on it. Work has been crazy. It's the holidays, I work retail, so this isn't a shock. But with the economy, it's even harder. And to make matters harder, I have a cold from hell. I have no air movement in my nose. I know it sounds gross, but I can't breathe. I constantly feel like I need to blow it, but nothing comes out, yet it's running. I am miserable!! I look like Rudolf, my nose is red and kind of scabby from tissue.

This morning I woke up to 9 inches of snow on the ground, yes folks 9 inches. And it is not supposed to stop until around noon, by then we will have around a foot. We were supposed to open this morning at 9 am, and the store is opening at noon instead. I have no idea how people are going to get to work much less to the malls. The roads are barely plowed. We are supposed to get another storm tomorrow night, and then again on Tuesday. Thank god we have a snow blower. As I write, the plows just went by and the pile at the end of my drive way is at least 3 1/2 to 4 feet tall. I am praying that my neighbors do a good deed for the day and plow or shovel me out, because that is not something I can do at this point. If not, I guess I won't be going to work until my Husband gets home and digs me out.

On the baby front, things haven't really changed. I am still having a lot of problems with my rib cage. My neighbor is a physical therapist, and she had been working on stretching them. It has helped dramatically, but the problem isn't something that is going to go away. Her main goal for me it to make it bearable, which for the most part is working. But I can't sit for extended periods of time. I am a little nervous because we have tickets for the Wisconsin/Texas game on Tuesday and I really want to go, but don't know if I will be able to get through it. I am fine when laying down or standing, it is just sitting that bothers me. I also feel him a lot more, and all over my abdomen. I was only feeling him in my lower abdomen in the beginning, and I also know that my uterus wasn't that long. Now, he is all over the place. I also feel him standing, sitting, laying, it really doesn't matter. Before, I was only feeling him if I was laying or sitting. I am still really tired, I am assuming the anemia is a big cause of that. And then you compound my cold and my job with that and that spells e-x-h-a-u-s-t-i-o-n!

We are getting ready to travel this weekend for some holiday celebrations. On Saturday night we head to my family's house to spend a few days. I will be working on Sunday and then that night we will celebrate Christmas with my mom's side of the family and my immediate family later that night. It is kind of weird to me to be celebrating before Christmas, but we will enjoy it. Then later on Monday we will head back home for a few days. On Christmas eve we will head up to Dh's parents house to spend the holidays with them. Both Dh and I have to work the day after Christmas, so unfortunately we won't be able to stay anywhere to long. We both dream about having "normal" 8-5 jobs someday, when we can actually enjoy the holidays!! Actually I thing it bothers him more than me. I grew up with parents that worked holidays, so I don't know any better, and my job is pretty cushy!!

I changed my background, yet again. I was getting some complaints that it was hard to read. So for those of you that don't use google reader and actually go to my page let me know if this is better. In case I don't get back on here before the festivities, I hope you all have a great and safe holiday. I know I have so much to be thankful this season!!!

finally some good news!!

I took the dreaded 3 hrs glucose test today. I got there around 8:30 this morning, already starving. I was trying to figure out how I was going to do this. I started fasting the night before around 7 pm. They took the first blood draw. Then I got to drink the famous sugar syrup. Now, the first time I did this, I got to take the orange flavored drink home and keep it in our refrigerator. All of the nurses and techs told me over and over how much better it is cold, and of coarse just easier to get down. So to my surprise, the tech goes into a cupboard and pulls out a clear, but warm drink. I instantly gave her the look of death. She asked me if there was something wrong-YES, I AM HERE, IT'S 8:30, IT'S MY DAY OFF, I AM HUNGRY, THIRSTY, DID I MENTION A LITTLE PREGNANT! But I nicely said no. She then told me start drinking and they would start the timer as soon as I was done. So I opened the glass container and started to drink. I also got up to go into the waiting room, but was stopped quickly. The Tech informed me I had to drink the whole thing in front of her. Okay, no big deal. The drink was so thick and was warmer than room temperature-I could have puked. The flavor of the day was lemon lime. Now, I would say that it tasted better than the orange, but it needed to be cold!!! And it didn't help that the tech stared at me as she tapped her pen against the table, and took a glance at the clock every few minutes. I finished as was sent into the waiting room. Now keep in mind my ribs and back hurt like hell after sitting for about 30 minutes. And I was told I could not walk around because that would speed up the digestion of the liquid. It SUCKED!! They took blood every hours for the next three hours. My left arm is shot! I look like a drug addict with needle tracks! I couldn't wait to get the hell out of there. Well I am glad it is over. But the best part of it is I passed all 4 blood draws, all of them were with in normal range!! YIPPEE!! But they did find that I am anemic, so I was put on a iron supplement. Can 't wait for that constipation!!! But hell, if that is the worst of it, so be it, bring on the hemorrhoids!!

perinatology appointment

Here is what I have for a update:

We met with the genetic counselor this morning at 10:30. The Choroid plexus cyst information I had was about half true. They don't really relate it to trisomy 21, down syndrome, they feel that there is not strong enough evidence to correlate the two. But they do relate it to trisomy 18, which is Edwards syndrome. If it was a isolated case, our chances are around 1/432, if it is not isolated than it would 1/92. The kidney problem is called hydronephrosis, which is fluid in the kidney. This problem is related to downs. Once again the normal range is between 1-4mm, we measured at 5mm on our last ultrasound. By 32 weeks the normal range is 5-10mm. With having a boy they didn't' seem quite as concerned about the slightly higher range. With what they found originally my chances were 1/510, with my age it dropped to 1/200. If they found other "markers" then my chances fell to 1/92. At this point my mind was a little over whelmed with numbers so basically if there were other markers for any of the above my chances were 1/92 if there were none they are 1/432. DO YOU HAVE ALL THAT??

We went into our u/s and she did the pictures she needed with my bladder full-let me tell you how unpleasant that was. In fact one of her first comments to me was "wow, your bladder is really full" NO SHIT!! That part took about 15 minutes. At one point she was scanning my lower belly and the baby kicked really hard. I jumped a mile! She asked me if I was okay, and I told her the baby kicked and I thought I was starting to pee my pants. Her and Dh got a pretty good laugh out of that, I on the other hand couldn't laugh or I would have pee'd my pants. After that I got to go to the bathroom. When I came back she scanned more structural parts, hands, feet, legs, etc. Both Dh and I had heard a lot about hands, so we kept looking for fists, which is not a good sign. She also spent a lot of time on the feet, which scared us to death. After all that fun was over, she switched to 4d and got a few good shots. Then we waited for the Doctor.

The doctor came in and reviewed the results. She looked at the the kidney's first. In her opinion, she didn't feel that it was anything to get to concerned about. Next the cyst. As she explained it is very small, only one, and really didn't seem to concerned about that either. What she really wanted to see is if there were other markers such as heart problems, hands, feet- and there were none. In fact she said the heart was beautiful-she couldn't have asked for it to be better. At this point we could breathe. As she stated, there is still a chance, but very small. Normally they want patient back in 2-4 wks and doesn't want to see us for 12 wks. So I don't go back until 32 wks, and that is just to double check everything. I was instructed to just try to enjoy my pregnancy and not to worry. So now we wait, and try to get back to truly enjoying this together. So I leave you with a few pictures:

I couldn't get this to rotate but it is 4d profile shot

This one is has the baby covering his face up, but you can clearly see the nose and lips

profile, normal u/s

This is the original u/s 2 weeks ago

can I just get 1 break

I FAILED the glucose test. You have to be below 139 and I scored a 141. So next week, I will be spending another day at the clinic for a 3 hr test. I have to show up at 8:30, get a blood draw, then drink and have my blood drawn ever hour, for three hours, afterward. I am thrilled let me tell you!! And this time I do have to fast for 12-14 hrs before hand, the only thing I am allowed is water. I think this will be the worst part of it because I am always hungry!

I also got more info on my u/s. The information that they gave me is a choroid plexus cyst which I described on the previous post. The other thing that was found is prominent bilateral renal pelvices. To my understanding this is enlarged kidneys. The normal range is up to 4mm, and the baby's were 5mm. So it is a slight enlargement, the info I can find it is more common in baby boys. There is not a lot of info out there about this that I can understand. It is supposedly another "soft marker" for downs, but I don't know what is true and what isn't' anymore. So much of the information out there is 10 years old, which doesn't reassure the accuracy since I have found a lot of conflicting information. My doctor this morning wasn't overly concerned. As she stated, she can't tell me not to worry because there is risks, but in most cases she has seen, it has turned out to be nothing. That is great news, but any mother would worry. She did go over the rest of the test results which all seemed to be normal. In fact we were in the 80th percentile or above in everything but leg size. The leg size was in the 50th percentile, which is still normal. That is all I know for now.

I wish I could say I am more at ease, but I am not. I do know there is nothing I can do until next week so it doesn't pay to work myself up. I am just trying to keep my mind busy. I just wish it was Monday already.

why me?

I know that I am not the only one that seems to have struggles in there lives, but I don't get why everything has to be so hard. Why do some people get to have children so easily and others have to try so hard.

On Monday, I received a phone call regarding the results of our ultrasound last week. I wasn't able to get a hold of anyone that day, so I finally got the results yesterday. Apparently the baby has a choroid plexus cyst on his brain. We are being refered to a perinatoligist for further testing and treatment. So far the only information I have about it is this:

The second trimester ultrasound examination (sonogram) will sometimes identify a cyst or cysts in the choroid plexus. The choroid plexus is a tissue in the brain that produces cerebrospinal fluid. Fluid-filled cysts, called choroid plexus cysts or CPCs, are identified by ultrasound in approximately 1-2% of all pregnancies scanned between 16 and 24 weeks gestation. In the majority of cases, CPCs disappear by the 28th week of pregnancy with no effect on the baby. However, a fetal CPC is considered a “marker”, indicating that the baby may have an increased risk for a chromosome abnormality. When observed as an isolated ultrasound finding in women under 35 years of age, the risk for trisomy 18 is increased, but remains low (less than 1%). The risk is higher for women age 35 or older. Additional abnormal ultrasound findings significantly increase the risk for trisomy 18 .

On Thursday, I go for my 20 week Dr's appointment. At this point we will get a little bit more information with what we are dealing with. I am not expecting them to be a big help because as we talked yesterday on the phone they weren't able to give me a lot of info. They more or less read literature that they had in front of them and told me I can ask the perinatologist more questions and they would be able to give me more answers. They warned me to stay away from the Internet, because there is to much information that will only upset me and make me worry more. In some sense I agree with that, but how can you expect a couple to wait a week before getting more information on their unborn child. I am extremely annoyed that it took them a full week to call me and give me this information, although I don't think I would have wanted it any earlier since I have to wait to see the perinatologist. We go see them next Monday. We meet in the morning with a genetic counselor for a hour then we will have a level 2 ultrasound, which is all done in 4D. They will do the same ultrasound they did last week, but they will be looking in more detail for abnormalities which would be markers for trisomy 18 and 21. At this point, if they find some abnormalities we will have the option of having a amnio or just waiting it out-boy aren't those great options.

Needless to say I am a mess, it is just one more thing for me to worry about. I went from being on cloud nine, to not wanting to even get out of bed. I am numb, I wanted to do some baby stuff yesterday-scrapbook, finish my registry, etc-and I couldn't bring myself to even think about it. I am just devastated. I know I have to stay positive and relax, but that is so hard to do. I am not a patient person, so the waiting game is going to kill me. Yesterday, I also took my first glucose test. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but I was on a total sugar high and couldn't stop crying from the results of u/s, so I felt as though I was going to have a heart attack.

So I am asking anyone that reads this to please pray for us and our little one. I believe in the power of prayer and right now we need them. Also if you know anyone that has experienced this please comment or email me about your experience. I know this is fairly common (1/100) so there has to be others out there that have been through this. Thanks for your support!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

This thanksgiving I have so much to be thankful for"

First, and most importantly, I am thankful for my husband. He is amazing!! If you would have asked me 4 years ago, if I would be married ,I would have laughed. He is the most kind, sincere, gentle man I have ever met in my life. We connect on a level beyond my wildest dreams. He treats me like a queen. I thank my lucky stars everyday!! I am one of the luckiest girls to have such a wonderful man!

Second, I am thankful for my family. I come from a big family and I married into one. I have the most wonderful relationship with my mother and sister-they are my best friends! I can't imagine my life without them. I also love my in laws to death, they have been incredibly supportive through out our journey. But it doesn't' stop there. I have the most wonderful cousins who I have grown up with. They are more like sisters to me than cousins. They have been through it all with me, and that started back in my teens. They rock!!

And finally, I am so thankful that we are finally pregnant. Sometimes, I have to pinch my self to realize that this isn't a dream! A part of me doesn't know where to start with this subject. I am thankful for the RE's office. That our doctors gave us the expertise to give us the opportunity to be where we are. But most of all, the compassion the staff and doctors gave us along the way. We never had the horror stories others have had. They gave us what ever we needed and then some. And I will never forget the generosity of them giving us our fertility drugs to help us financially. We have insurance, although it doesn't pay for any type of fertility, so anything helps. And the cost of drugs could have killed us. I love them and would aways thank them for this miracle. I don't know if they will ever know the true effect they have on other people lives. I can't believe that 1 year ago, i was crying every night that this wasn't working. I never thought I would never have a child, at least not my own biological children. We are now officially 20 weeks, half way there. And we are having a baby boy. What a miracle!

NEWS BREAK!

IT'S A BOY

more info to follow......have to leave for work.

not today

My u/s was not today....... but according to the poll, the majority of people think we are having a girl! I wish I could say I had a feeling. I have a feeling it is a boy, but I think that is only because I want a girl. But once again, I will be happy with either or.

So the new thing is rib pain. My rib cage feel likes like it is going to pop. It sucks. I have also started to have this nose problem. It's stuffed and runny and annoying. I feel good otherwise. I feel the baby all the time. Hubby can also feel it alot. It's not real strong on the outside, but you can definitely feel it. Most people seem surprised that he can feel already. I think it is because prior to being pregnant, I was pretty thin. Or maybe we just have a really strong baby!!

exhausted

I am so tired! Pure exhaustion! I have 3 days of work until a day off, and it seems so far away. We have our u/s this week-we are so excited!!! Will write more soon, to tired to type!

18 wk belly shots

Not a whole lot of change since the last time. I am all belly so far, and hoping to stay that way. Wouldn't that be nice. I have no idea how much I have gained. I know not a lot of my pants fit anymore, still able to fit in most of my shirts as long as they are long. My ribs and tail bone hurt all the time. From what I have heard, this is not going to get any better if it already bothering me. I can deal with the tail bone, but the ribs-it feels like someone is grabbing under each one and pulling out. Almost like they could pop, it hurts!! Other than that, I feel great (knock on wood.) I am sleeping a little better.

My MIL called me with the steal of the week. Tar.get had 2 brit.ex car seats clearanced at 80% off. It was a $280 seat for 42.99 and 62.99 depending on what one you got. We ordered 3. One for DH and I, and one for my mom. My MIL ordered one, and SIL ordered 2. I got the call around 8:00 that they were online, and by 9:15 they were out of stock.

My SIL also announced publicly last week that she is expecting at the end of May. We have actually known for a couple of weeks, but couldn't tell anyone. We are very excited for her, she has dreamed of being a mom since she was a very little girl. It will be nice having children very close in age. I grew up with my cousins being my best friends, and they still are til this day. I can only hope that our children will have close relationships with their cousins and family growing up.

Just a reminder, if you haven't voted, our u/s is very soon--what will it be??

_______________________________________________________________

Update: Tar.get sucks! They canceled my order because THEY were incorrectly priced. In my retail world, they should have to honor that price. I was so excited!!!! Now, I am bummed!

reality

Dear baby,

Up until now, you have been distant dream of mine. You have been something I have wanted so badly. Although you weren't created the "old fashion way", you were created out of more love than I could have ever imagined. I was told you were growing inside of me about 12 weeks ago, but it didn't seem real. I felt as if it were a dream, some distant reality. I saw your little head and body when you were 6 wks old. Seeing your heartbeat was the miracle I had dreamed of. But with all of that ,it still didn't seem real. I didn't feel good and my waist line has changed, but my life remained the same, until a few days ago.........

My life has changed, again! I feel you moving and letting me know your there. You will never know the emotions that go through my body every time I feel you. Just writing this brings tears to my eyes. I never thought I could love someone without even knowing them. But, I am falling head over heals in love with you more and more each day, each kick. It is a miracle I will never take for granted, in fact, I thank god everyday for giving us this gift. In a few short weeks, I will get to see you again, and how much you've grown and changed. We will also find our if you are our daughter or son. Either way we will love you the same. Your daddy and I can't wait to meet you in a short 5 months. In the mean time, stay warm and cozy, and grow big and strong. And if you don't mind, let me know your there as much as you want, although I may regret asking you that as you become a teenager.

I love you so very much,
your mommy

Movement

I am pretty sure I felt something 2 days ago. Now, keep in mind I have no idea what I am expecting to feel. I have felt weird "fluttering" here and there, but nothing that would have stopped me in my tracks and make me think it was the baby. In all honesty I thought it was either a muscle switch or gas. My body has had the most bizarre sensations and feeling in the last 4 months, so who knows. The other day i was sitting on our chair in the living room watching TV and out of no where it was like someone had hit me in my lower stomach, from the inside. It wasn't like it hurt, but it was just not the fluttering feeling everyone has told me to look for. It was more of a flick, like if someone were to lightly flick your ear. I stopped and pushed lightly on my stomach and 2 seconds later it happened again. It wasn't hard enough to feel on the outside. It was cool, that is if I really did feel our baby. If not I am on crack and have some serious gas!! I can't say I have really felt it since, but I have heard in the beginning it is normal not to feel it everyday. So we will see.

Other than that, life is pretty uneventful. I started cheating and have been sorting Christmas decorations. I even started putting a few things up in our house. If I wasn't having Thanksgiving here for my family, I would probably have my tree up already. I know it is a little early, but I work retail and I don't have time or the desire to do anything after Thanksgiving. We are way to busy and I am to tired when I get home. And this year it is the shortest time frame between Thanksgiving and Christmas, only 4 weekends in between. (Personally I think this in wonderful! the shorter the better.) I shouldn't feel to bad, there are actually a few people on our street that have their Christmas lights on their house and they have been turning them on at night. I

was trying to get DH to put up my lights last weekend-don't worry I won't be turning them on until thanksgiving. It was in the 60's and beautiful outside. He chose not to, and now he wants to get them up and today is a high of 27 degrees, with a wind chill of 18. Maybe he should have listened to me last weekend when I told him to take advantage of the nice whether instead of doing it in the cold. But what do wives know?!?!?

another day of paradise

We had our 17 wk appt today. Everything went well as usual. Heartbeat was at 150 bpm, just where she wanted it to be. I still have to take the glucose test at 20 wks, which I am not looking forward to at all. On the bright side, I get to eat before I drink as long as it doesn't have sugar in it. So I don't have to starve myself like I thought I did. I got to schedule my u/s for this month and I am so excited to find out what we are having. And the icing on the cake....I got my flu shot. I am still not feeling any movement. There are some days I think I might feel something, but it's probably nothing but gas. I still only have a little bump. I will post pictures soon again.

We went in voted today, did a absentee ballet. I thought we would wait forever, but it wasn't as bad as I thought. We only had to wait 1 hr. I am so glad we got to vote today, because I wouldn't get to vote until after 5 tomorrow night, and who knows how log the lines would have been then.

Happy Halloween!!

Tonight we gave candy away at work and had over 1200 pieces of candy gone in less than 1 hour. It was crazy. And that was only giving 1 piece to every child under the age of 12. I was kneeling down talking to this little girl and she goes to her mom "Mommy, looks this lady is dressed up like she has a baby in her belly!" I thought I was going to pee my pants. I told her I did have a baby in my belly, and she looked at me with such disappointment and said "so you aren't dressed up." I had to tell her no, and she walked away. It was hilarious. I am a terrible with Halloween. I figured I would have to work all night, so I didn't get any candy for our house. Guess what, I was done by 6 and had a street full of kids. We ended up going to the store and getting 3 bags which lasted us about an hour. I didn't even carve pumpkins this year, which I always do. Well, I shouldn't say that. Last weekend when we had friends in town, they decided to carve my biggest pumpkin at 4 in the morning. Lets put it this way, if we would have lit it, most of our neighbor would have been checking us online for our names on some Sexual predator site. The pumpkin has a very large male body part carved into it. Thank god Halloween is over! a I can now start getting ready for the holidays. I am one of those people that decorate there house way to early. I work retail and that is the last thing I want to worry about once the week before Thanksgiving is here. I am not totally psychotic, I don't put my tree up until Thanksgiving night.

On the baby front, I have a doctors appt on Monday. I am sure it will be pretty uneventful. I am hoping I can get my flu shot while I am there. We also get to schedule our u/s when we go in. That is very exciting.

ps. check the poll out on the left part of blog

time to vote

I added a poll, whether or not it's a boy or a girl, to the left side of my blog. I will be having my u/s in the next month and we are finding out the sex of this little bean. I will not be posting when the u/s is, or will be telling anyone when it is. But I will post the news as soon as we find out. So go ahead and give me your opinion. I personally have no idea, or intuition, of what I am having. Either way, it's a miracle we in the position we are, and we are truly thankful!!

hiccups

I have never been one to get the hiccups. I never got them in college when I drank or any other time of my life. I seriously think the last time I remember having them was probably grade school. I have them all the time since I got pregnant. It's not like I get them for 10 minutes, I just get 2 or 3 at a time and then they go away. It starts in the morning when they wake me up. No kidding, they literally wake me up. I will get them randomly until I eat and then they go away. But only for a while. It seems like when I get hungry I get them-they are so annoying. What makes it even worse is sometimes they sneak up on me, and it is loud, I can't control it. I sound like a drunk!

Nothing to new here. I am starting to revert to having a hard time sleeping. I have a hard time falling asleep at night, and then I can't get up in the morning. It's not that i can't get comfortable, I just can't fall asleep.

My mom is coming down with my aunt early next week to paint my two spare rooms. One is being converted to a nursery and the other is where company sleeps. I am painting the Nursery butter cream (a light yellow.) I have actually bought my bedding already. You can see it here. I wanted to paint the room a light green, but I think that is to masculine if we have a girl, and I don't want to have to repaint. My mom would kill me. It is also a smaller room with only 1 window, so I think the yellow will keep it from feeling to small.

We are also getting company this weekend. Some of our friends from CA and MN are coming as well as my sister. They all went to college together. My dh was room mates with one of the guys from CA when I met him. And my sister went to college with the rest of them-kind of weird, I know. Anyway we are planning to go to dinner tomorrow, then the badger game on Saturday. After the game I am heading to my parents house so the rest of them can drink themselves into a stupor without my judgement. Actually this is a little harsh-I am going to my parents because it is homecoming and they are planning to stay at the bars for a good part of the day. I have no interest doing this, to me there is nothing worse. If I wasn't pregnant I would be game for this kind of behavior once in a while, but not at this time. So I am going to go home and hang out with the rents-go to dinner, do some shopping, and visit my munchkins. I will have a lot more fun doing that then staying home getting pissed off about being the smart sober one.

Everyone is pregnant

I am not even kidding! I went to a meeting yesterday with the rest of my district. There are 9 of us-I am due April 15, my friend H is due April 19, and another friend S is due May 9. So 3 of us will be out for 12 wks. I thought my boss was going to fall over. In my location at work, I have 2 managers, and 9 employees. Out of the 12 people that work there, 4 of them are pregnant. One due 1/27, 2/24/4/15, and 4/22, so once again no one will be working much. HOLY HORMONES! The one good thing is the one due on 2/24 and I are the only one taking a full 12 wks. I also have another person that I am very close to due 6 wks after me. HOLY SHIT. I don't know if it has always been like this or if I am just noticing it more. But it is kind of crazy.

So I finally added my 14 wks belly shot. I wish I had a 12 but, I really got a bump in the last 2 wks. It is pretty noticeable with most of the clothes I wear, and I did have a employee ask today it I am gaining weight. Needless to say she doesn't have much tact, so the secret is out!!

14 wks belly

Now you can see why I had to start talking, there really was no way I could hide it anymore!!

2nd trimester

I am officially 14 wks today! Yeah!! We are officially starting our 2nd trimester, and I am officially starting to feel like a rock star. I have felt so much better the last few days, I almost don't recognize myself. I don't even remember feeling this good before I got pregnant. I have energy again, I am hungry, the nausea is for the most part gone, I even stayed up past 10:30 the last couple nights! And the best part is I have one week left of metformin, and only have to take it once a day for that week!! I am so ready to not take that anymore. Hopefully my glucose will regulate it's self out again. I am also coming clean about being pregnant tonight to my co-workers. I am having a dinner party for my district since everyone is in town for meetings tomorrow (don't worry it is only about 13 people.) One of my co workers is about 4 days behind me and everyone has known about her since she was about 5 wks. I am sure she will be talking about it tonight, and I really can't hide it anymore because I don't look like I used to.

And my camera problems are gone. We did have to get a new one, again! But we got a great deal and it has all the options I want. So I will get 14 wk pictures up ASAP. I have to download the new software and then I will post.

On a personal level, if you could go visit Sara, she was taken to labor and delivery yesterday. She has had a really rough pregnancy and could use a hug.

Camera's suck!

I don't think me and DH should be allowed to own a camera. We were on vacation 2 wks ago and had it with us, obviously taking pictures all week. I went to charge it last week and turned it on, and the screen is shot. Nothing comes up, I am so mad. We have no idea what happened to it. This is the 3rd camera in 2 years, the first 2 we lost traveling and moving, and then found one of them after we bought the 3rd. It sounds like it will cost us more to fix the thing, than to buy a new one. So once again we don't have a working camera. So those pictures I was promising, it will be a while. It also makes me mad because I have a pregnancy scrapbook that I am doing and want to track my belly pictures, which is also not going to happen. So today we are going camera shopping. I need one before next weekend because we have a lot of friends coming from MN and CA to stay with us and go to some sporting events. I have to have a camera for that. I really want to wait until the black Friday deals (day after thanksgiving) but do not have the patients. Will update more later, gotta go shopping!!

weening

Today I got to start weening from my metformin. I have been taking 1500 mg since January. This is the drug that regulated my insulin levels so I would have the normal chances of miscarriage, without the drug I have a 40% chance of m/c due to PCOS. So starting today, I only have to take 2 pills for the next week, and then 1 pill for a week, then I am done. I am thrilled only because I have the hardest time remembering to take it 3x a day. Sometimes I would forget and have to set my alarm for the middle of the night just to get the dose in-it has sucked. Needless to say I am happy to have to worry about one less thing.

I am no longer skinny, I officially am starting to have a little belly. It is a little weird. I will start taking belly shots every two weeks and post. I have one from 12 wk, but haven't uploaded it yet. I will get it up soon.

intuition

I have no intuition of what I am having. I have had people ask me if I think I am having a girl due to the fact my blog is pink? I have no idea, I haven't had any boy/girl dreams or anything. Now, I would love a little girl, but just as much as a little boy. So we are changing the background of my blog to be more festive. Yes, I will be finding out what we are having, but that is not until the end of November, early December, so until then fall will have to do.

We are enjoying our vacation. I can't say we have done a whole lot. On Wednesday we went to visit DH's cousin who is battling cancer. Due to her counts being low, she wasn't able to have chemo this week which sucks, but on the plus side she looked great and felt good. We enjoyed our day, we went for lunch and then she took us to some of the bluffs around the Mississippi-they are beautiful this time of the year. Otherwise we just hung out. That night we headed toward my in laws and have been here since. It has been very relaxing!!

Obviously we are telling people are news now, but DH and I are a little uncomfortable with the attention. So instead of us telling people we decided Dh's mom could have more of the honor. We made her a shirt that says:

What should my name be?
Grandma T
Grandma R
Nammer (which is a name Dh used to call his grandmother-his mom's mother)
and then ps.did I tell you I am going to be a grandma.

So this weekend should be fun and exciting. Hope everyone has a great weekend!!

12 wk appt

we had our 12 wk yesterday and got to hear the heart beat, it was pretty cool. It was around 160, which is perfect. I was terrified to go to this appt. I just can't get past the idea that I am pregnant, and the fear of something happening. I was almost making myself sick thinking about it, which I know has not been healthy. I can honestly say I feel better now that we heard a hb and that I am 12 wks this week. I am still feeling a crappy, headaches have been terrible. I have never gotten them this bad before. I feel that I can finally take a sigh of relief and get excited about being pregnant. We have started telling people now, it's kind of weird actually saying it out loud. It still doesn't feel real.

On a personal note we are officially on vacation and it is wonderful. I spent Saturday cleaning my house-I had a burst of energy to clean. I also baked some apple pies, my house smelled wonderful. Sunday and Monday we went to Chicago to visit some friends. We are now back home and heading to my in laws tomorrow. It is just a nice relaxing week. Today we are going to pick apples at a orchard and get some pumpkins. The temperature has finally dropped into the 50-60's here and it is finally starting to feel like fall. In the last few days the leaves have finally started to turn colors. I love it, although I am not looking forward to winter.

psychotic nerve

Yes, I know it's sciatic, but it's making me psychotic! I am having terrible problems with my sciatic nerve. It started about 3 weeks ago. I talked to my RE about it when it first started and he told me to sleep on the opposite site as the pain, that worked for a week. Then I asked my OB, and she told me that we all experience aches and pains when were pregnant and that we aren't going to worry about it unless I feel it in my toes?!?!?!?! What kind of answer is that. I talked to my neighbor last week, she is a physical therapist, and she gave me some stretches to do, and told me if it got worse to come and see her and she would work with me at home. Yesterday, I could barely walk. It is the sharpest pain down my left butt cheek. The pain goes down to about the middle of my thigh. It SUCKS! Nothing works, and it doesn't help that I can't get comfortable when I sleep and depending on how I lay it seems to make it worse. Today it seems to be a little better, I can get out of the bed and off the couch without acting like and old lady. I am hoping that this gets better soon, my fear is that is going to continue to get worse as I get bigger.

By the way, did I mention I am 10 weeks as of yesterday. I can't tell you how excited I am that this 1st trimester is almost over. I am ready to be able to talk about it, tell people I am expecting. And maybe tell more people about our experience with IF and that there is hope. I am feeling pretty good. I have been having some nauseous bouts again this week, but nothing that I can't handle. I still haven't experienced the exhaustion that I have heard the 1st trimester brings, but I don't know if that is because I have been sleeping anywhere from 8-10 hrs a night, which is totally not like me. I am a 6-7 hr a night kind of girl. I was tired in the sense that I just wanted to lay on the couch and do nothing when I got home for about 3 wks. But I never felt the need to sleep or take a little nap. I am still scared to death to go to the doctor in a week in a half. I am afraid of bad news, and I know there is still the risk of loss and that scares me to death. I hate going to the doctor ever 4-5 wks, I miss the weekly visits so much. Sometimes I miss not being "normal."

boring week

I wish I could report something exciting but not much has been going on this week. My husband has returned to normal. The flu bug only really lasted that day, in fact, by the time I got home from work that day he was better. I still was extremely paranoid all week, but still feel good. We have been catching up on house work and getting ready for fall-I know it sounds exciting. I have been working a lot. This week is also a busy week, so I have been laying low at home because I have been tired. I am having a hard time with not going to the doctor all the time. I feel like I need the reassurance that this is real. My OB did give me the option to come in at 10 weeks to see if we could hear the heart beat, but I figured what is another week or two. Especially if we didn't find it, then I would freak out even more. I am kind of wishing I would have scheduled it but guess I will have to wait. I go back for my next appointment two weeks from yesterday.

I am really excited, I only have a week in a half of work left and I am on vacation for a week and a half. Hubby and I are going to do nothing besides enjoy each other. We are going to go and see some family and friends. I think we are spending the first week in Chicago with some friends and then midweek we are heading to La Crosse to see DH's cousin who has been battling cancer. And then we are going to head up to his parents house for the rest of the weekend. It should be a great time, and very relaxing. What makes it more exciting is we are going to be announcing that we are expecting to our family and friends that week as long as our appointment goes well. YIPPEE!! I know our mothers and sisters have been dying to tell people!! I love their excitement!

no news is good news

This what I was told when I left the Dr's office last week. Unfortunately, they called. Definitely not something to freak out about, but concerning. I has some blood work and a urine analysis done last week. My blood work came back okay, but my urine showed that I am dehydrated and that my "sugar is spilling." More or less that I have glucose in my urine which is not supposed to be there. So instead of having a glucose test at 28 wks, I now get to have it at 20 wks, 24wks, and 28wks. AREN'T I LUCKY!!! The weirdest thing is once again it so out of character for my body type. I am 5 ft, 108 lbs, normally people of my body stature don't have these problems, but then again they don't have PCOS either, and I have that. As far as the dehydration, I need to get more liquids, if I can't, I need to go in for IV Fluid, and needless to say I need to stay healthy, if I get sick I need to go in right away. The best part of this is my husband is home with the puking flu today! I am a hypochondriac, I hate germs, especially ones that make me puke. So, needless to say I am freaking out. I went to Tar.get tonight and bought lots of germ killer. I came home from work sanitized my house, especially my bedroom. Washed my sheets in bleach, and now have barricaded myself in our bedroom. I have quarantined my husband to the spare bedroom, with instructions to strip the bed and bleach the sheets tomorrow. I feel terrible that I can't help him, but I think he is more worried about me getting sick than anything else. He is actually feeling better tonight. Thank god I had to work today, or I would have gone crazy. I am praying to god I don't get sick, I can't afford it. I don't want to end up in the hospital or even in the emergency room getting fluids. I have done that before and it sucks!! So I am working on the fluids. I need to drink as much water, juice, and broth-doesn't that sound good?!

First OB appt.

I had my first OB appt. today. It was pretty uneventful. I had a consult with the nurse for the first 1/2 hr, then met with my doctor. I had most of a physical, I did get to skip the pap because I had just had one in April. We went over some medical history, how she does things, office hrs, very basic info. She gave me a book and a folder filled with everything from what to do if you go into labor to blood cord preservation. So I have enough reading for until the next appointment. I also had some blood work and a urine specimen. All-in-all, pretty routine. I go back in 4 wk unless something comes back bad in my blood work. It is kind of weird seeing your RE every other day, to a OB who wants to see you once a month. It's even kind of scary. I did get a new due date. I have had 3 different dates given to me by 3 different people, all with the same information-how hard can it be to read the wheel. My new due date is April 15-a tax baby. This is the official date, the one my OB gave me, and she says "her date is the one that counts" So, the 15 th it will be.

Just a funny-I made the mistake of going grocery shopping today-HUNGRY. Now I have done this before when I wasn't pregnant and did some damage. But tonight was ridiculous!! My cart was overflowing. Seriously, I could not put anything else in it or it would have fallen out. It was kind of embarrassing. I felt like people we looking at me as if I was feeding a family of 10. Note to self-NO GROCERY SHOPPING HUNGRY FOR TH NEXT 7 MONTHS!!

graduation day

Today we graduated from our RE to our normal OB/GYN. YIKES! It is a bitter sweet day. I am so excited that we are to the point of being normal again, but sad because I love my RE's and their staff. I am so fortunate to have had the experience I did with my doctors. I have read so many blogs where patients were treated as numbers and statistics, not people with real fears and dreams. I was treated as I was part of a family. So not seeing them weekly is kind of sad for me. They are why we are in the position we are today!!

Our appt went well, baby is growing. The heart beat was 157 bpm today.

Not much more to update. I am feeling a lot better, haven't had any nausea lately, which has been nice. I have figured out if I eat smaller meals more times a day I don't seem to get sick. I am still tired, and I don't think that will be going away anytime soon. I am now getting ready to head to work. I am working a late shift tonight, which should be interesting since I am sleeping by 10pm EVERY night. Thank god I have off tomorrow. I will keep you all posted on the days to come.

I am a liar ,again!!

so I am sorry I haven't been writing lately, it's been a little hectic. So let's back up:

August 7th-I came home from traveling for work for 2 weeks. This was the longest 2ww of my life. I was in a 2ww wait but also just having a really hard time with life. I was sick of the hormones, sick of the mood swings, sick of not spending money on small things-just sick of it all. I decided to take a hpt that evening, although I knew not to take it until morning, but figured this would lesson the blow (if that is ever possible.) So I took the test, and it turned colors right away, there was no question, the line was darker than the picture on the box. So the next morning I made a Dr's appt, because I really didn't believe it.

August 8th-beta 282-holy shit!!!!

So I was totally pregnant, but scared shitless!! I had the worst anxiety that my biggest nightmare would happen again.

August 15th-went to work not feeling well, and was having major cramping. Called my dr and went in on August 16th-they found that I had a few ovarian cysts, and probably ruptured one. But also saw the sak-which normally is not visible.

August 26-u/s number two--HEARTBEAT 136 bpm!! This is what we wanted, at this point we move up to 96% to caring this baby full term. If fact I graduate back to my OB/GYN on Friday of next week. I am kind of sad to leave my RE, but that was the ultimate goal. I have one more ultrasound on Tuesday.

So, how am I feeling you ask? Like crap! I am not vomiting, but extremely nauseous all the time. In the beginning I didn't really understand all the hype about being tired, because I wasn't. I get it now. I feel like I have been hit by a truck from the time I get up until I go to bed! It is terrible, but in no way am I complaining. I have never been so excited to feel like such crap!

I will fill all of you in on more details in the days to come, now that I can write about this again. Sorry for the delay in the news, we just needed some time to digest all of this. It has been a little scary, and realistically we still have a few weeks to go before we are truly out of the woods. Please keep praying for us that this all works out! We want this so badly!!

Ps. It really only does take one!!!

new do

do you like it, I needed a face lift!!!!

finacial advisor

Today we met with a financial advisor to see what our options are at this point. We talked about what options were good and obviously, what options were bad. Overall, I felt it was a very helpful conversation. The advisor is close friends with our RE, so he offers his services free. And he isn't tied to any financial organization, so he doesn't push you into services an agency would pressure you toward.

Other than that, we are back to saving money and waiting. It seems to be the story of our life. We are attending a adoption meeting on September 8th. We are going to get some info and hopefully an start the application process. Apparently, one of the prerequisites is having to be married for 2 years. We won't hit that until March of next year, but we are hoping we can start the process and just not be listed until then. From what I have heard it takes at least a few months to get through the applications process and the home studies. And with my schedule during the fall and holiday I am sure it will slow things down.

In the mean time I don't know if I am fighting a little summer cold or if my allergies are starting to act up. I know that counts are high right now, so it really is probably just allergies. Hubby is complaining about the same thing. I have a little cough and my nose is a little stuffy and runny-boy isn't that fun.

help, I am having withdrawls

I feel like I haven't blogged in months! I have been traveling the last two weeks and I am finally home to a normal computer. I was staying with my parents (love them dearly) but their computer is from 1962! Okay, may be not that old but the Internet speed is slower than dial up. I was lucky If I could check my email-and that took a half hour to load up. Anyway I am back and hopefully will update you more now.

This last week has been extremely emotional for me. I am tired of the stress!! I feel like my life is in a stand still and I can't see past today. This last cycle was crappy and no one seemed to have much confidence that it would work. I just don't know how much longer I can keep doing this to myself. We are broke, our insurance doesn't pay for anything-nothing!! We are starting to look at other options. As much as I don't want to, we have to. I am not saying that I am giving up hope, it's we have to face to harsh truth that this may not happen. I don't want to wait until I am 40 to be a mom. IF is almost like an addiction. May be next month will be the month, or the month after, time after time spending money. It's like going to the casino and thinking maybe one more quarter, one more spin and jackpot. I wish I had the answer on when to say when, and walk away a winner.

So this week we started a new Chapter. We are now looking into adoption. So far we like Lutheran Social Services best. We are attending a orientation meeting on September 4th. At that appointment we will find out what this will all entail, costs, time frames. In all, it is going to cost us about as much as if we did IVF. I am just to scared to do IVF and have it not work. If our insurance was paying for it, it would be a totally different story. If that was the case I would do IVF a few times, but it is not worth us being bankrupt to afford to have children. I know my husband is having a hard time accepting the reality of our lives, but it doesn't mean we aren't good people or that we wouldn't make great parents. We still plan on doing one, maybe two more cycles, but we are taking a few months off. We have been very fortunate to get free drugs from our doctor and we have run out. I don't feel it is my place to ask for more, so we need to take a month off to save a little money. In the mean time we are doing research about adoptions, we want to put our energy toward this knowing we only have to months left of trying with ART. If anyone reading knows anyone with any experiences-good or bad, please let me know or post there link.

On a positive note, I went to the Poison concert last weekend. It was AWESOME! I knew every song-I know I am pathetic. But it was so much fun. There we so many people that dressed up like the 80's for the show. It was like stepping back in time. And what made it even better is it was a sell out, the place was packed!! We finished up the weekend going up to the cottage for some Sun and boating, the weather has been great here. On Monday, DH, and my sister and I took my cousins kids for the night. It was a little hectic-I don't know how moms of 4 kids all under 4 do it. We went to MCd's for happy meals, ice cream and playland. Then to the park, came home, put 3 dirty kids in the bath and then watched a movie--needless to say I needed a nap!! Tuesday we went boating again, and Wed back to work. Hope everyone has been well! I am off to work!

do you miss me?

Sorry it been so long. Nothing new here. We are 1wk post iui. I can't say I feel any different.

Pregnancy symptoms:
tired? yes, but have been working my butt off at work.

sore chest? nothing

cramps? nothing

moody? I would be lying if I said no, but also a little on edge from work

food cravings/aversions? Always, but I have had them really bad since starting hormones.

I guess those are the major ones and so far not anything to read into. Other than that I am still back home. I been working but also making some time to see friends and family. I have a busy next few days. Tomorrow is my last day of work, and then I am spending some time with a close friend who I rarely get to see anymore. Friday, I am getting my hair done and my parents are having a fish fry with friends so I will be joining their festivities. And on Saturday I am going to a Poison concert!! Yes folks I am a 80's fan. This should be hilarious!! I am going with my cousin and some Friends (of course our husbands will be there.) Tesla and skid row are opening for them. I feel like I should crimp my hair or do dress up for this show. Anyway, I hope everyone has a good weekend!!!!

So far so good. I haven't really been thinking about this cycle, which is so strange to me. Hopefully I can keep that up. I am probably going to freak out about 3 or 4 days before I have to test, but wouldn't it be nice if I was as calm as I am now. I wish I knew why I am so calm, it is completely our of character for me. Apart of me is wondering, am I just getting used to this whole process, is this becoming what normal is. I don't want to get used to it!! I don't want it to be normal! I miss my "real" normal life. Doing things that I want to do, buying thing, going out to dinner, drinking Star.bucks. All of which I don't do at all anymore, because we have to save money! It sucks. anyway sorry for this tantrum. I was just having a little pity party. Well I am leaving town today for work. Hopefully this week goes fast! I will check in this week.

Hope everyone has a good week!!

another one bites the dust

We had our IUI this morning. Everything went fine. SA was great as usual, dh's counts were down a little, around 57 million. Apparently, most peoples counts drop this time of year due to the heat. I found that a little interesting, but it definitely made sense. It also didn't hurt as much as it normally dose, so that was a double bonus.

I have gone into this IUI, like I have nothing to lose. No one seems to have to much confidence that this cycle will work, but its better than 2/3 of the cycles I have had in the last 18 months. I produced 1 egg, and I ovulated-2 things I didn't do before. So, what do I have to lose? It only takes one, right? Maybe because of that I won't worry as much, or much less think about the 2ww. Next week should keep me busy. I found out I have to travel all week. It actually works well because I will be in stores in my home town. I am sure my parents will be thrilled that I am home all week. As much as I love going home, I feel like I have been there way to much this summer!!

So before I leave, I have a funny, well actually it's kind of strange. DH is working overnights this week because of our IUI and last night was his first night. Needless to say, he was extremely over tired this morning at our appt. We were waiting for our RE to come in the room, and he started laughing hysterically. I asked him what the deal was because nothing was said. He told me that he was daydreaming (more like a nightmare) on how funny it would be for the RE to come in and see him undressed from the waist down, covered up with a white sheet with his feet in stirrups. I don't think he is right. I told him we needed to get him home to bed and he needs to be careful what he wishes for. Sometimes I just don't know............

it only takes one

Nothing improved. My one and only eggs is measuring at 22mm. The double dose did nothing to help things. In fact, I don't even have another egg over 10mm, they literally all stayed the same size. So, we are doing a IUI tomorrow. Normally we do 2 IUI, back-to-back days. This time we are only doing to do 1. My RE doesn't feel it will increase our chances at all to have 2. One positive is that it will save us a little money. I am trying to stay positive, but can't deny that I am disappointed. I have to continue to remind myself it only takes one, and that happens everyday. I am looking forward to a little brake from giving myself shots, even if it is only two weeks.

Worse case scenario-we take what we learned this cycle and the last cycle and get it right the next time.

the wind is out of my sail

I went in to this cycle extremely positive. We knew we could get pregnant, so we just needed to start over again. We really had faith it would happen. My RE has been extremely positive, taking a new direction with this cycle. And then I went to my appointment yesterday, and all the wind came out of my sail. My endometrium lining is great, but I have 1 follie/egg that is ready, it is over 17 mm as of yesterday. My RE said the following "well I don't know if we are going to get you pregnant this cycle, but at least your insides won't hurt from OHSS." Please don't tell me that we don't know if your going to get me pregnant this cycle, that just made me feel like it's okay that you injected poison into my body, been violated by a magical wand 5 times, been stuck more than you can count, and been on a rollercoaster of emotions-and I DON'T LIKE ROLLERCOASTERS!! Oh yeah, not to mention we are broke, and you just wasted $2500 on a cycle for NOTHING! Instead you could say, "you have one great egg, lets get you pregnant, you know it only takes one." I personally think that might be a little more encouraging. But, my RE wants more than one egg, so she increased my dose to 150 iu, which is more than I have ever taken, and I go back tomorrow. She is assuming tomorrow will be trigger day, but just in case my body decides to have a mind of its own, I will also be doing OPK's at home. She wants to get some of the other eggs over 13 or 14 mm.

Now I have spent way to many hours on the Internet researching, so you would think I would know the answer to this. But if they increase my dose to 150 iu, the 17 mm is going to be huge-so big that in my mind it is ineffective. And the other ones become between 13-14mm, isn't that to small to do anything. So why didn't we just go with the one at 17mm yesterday? Everyday thousands of woman get pregnant from 1 freaking egg. I am trusting her because she is the professional, but sometimes that is not real reassuring. My DH thinks I am just over reacting because of the drugs-maybe I am, but I am still feeling it. It is still what I go though. And it isn't going away!!

So, Thursday and Friday will be IUI days. I am hoping for the best, but still scared to death. I just don't want another month of disappointment.

Ps. My dad was diagnosed with Cancer back in early March. He had been done with treatment since the end of May. Today he went in for a CAT scan to find out if they got it all. So if you could all say an extra prayer for him, I would appreciate it. Thanks!

no change

well not much to update, no change really. I still have small stuff and my E2 stayed pretty much the same at 100. So they increased my dose to 75 iu, which is what I took at the end of my last cycle. I go back for another u/s on Monday.

So in the mean time, I am back home for another family wedding. I will get to have another "baby fix" from my cousins kid tomorrow. Part of the wedding is a golf outing, I don't golf so I am taking all the kids with another cousin of mine. It should be fun!! Hope everyone has a good weekend. I will update more on Sunday. TA TA for now.

slower is better?

So sorry it taken me so long to update today, I had to work and just got home at 10 pm. They have decided to keep me at 50 iu. My e2 was 99 and I had small folli's. We actually had a really good appointment. My RE sat and talked with us about a whole bunch of things including obviously what the game plan is for this cycle. They are going to take what they learned from my last cycle and make some changes. First of all they started us low because my e2 spiked to badly the last time. Also I am responding so well to low doses they think this is a better option. Due to the low dose, I will produce slower. My last cycle I took shots for 8 days-4 at 100 iu, and 4 at 75 iu. Last cycle, I had appointments every 4 days, this cycle every 3. So, I will have more appointments which means more money-that sucks! Ya gotta do what ya gotta do.

In this new "game plan" she also decided her goal is to get me pregnant with twins! Her theory in this is if I get pregnant with twins, and miscarry one, I will have a singleton in the end. And worst case, I have twins. I am totally fine with this, although I was a little shocked she came out and said it. We kind of thought that this might a possibility anyway. We chit chatted about the miscarriage, and what it really means-which I already know. We also talked about some of the stuff on the u/s-that we see but don't know what it is. I know what I am looking at when they measure, but she showed us other things about my cervix and uterus. It was like we were hanging out talking like we had been good friends for 10 years. It was kind of nice. I feel really good about the appointment and about this cycle.

I don't know what my problem seems to be this month, but shots hurt like hell. When I went to have my blood drawn this morning, she couldn't get any blood from my arm, which was strange. But she was digging for the vein with the needle still in my arm. It hurt so bad that I had to make her stop and use the other arm. The other arm gave her blood but hurt just as bad. Both arms have matching bruises the size of quarters now. I have not had any markings other than a pin mark on either one of my arms since I started IF over a year ago. When I was giving my self my shot last night, it bothered me too. I thought it was that I had given to many shots to that side of my body with out switching it up. Tonight I did it on the other side and it hurt like hell. I don't get it. And this cycle had only just begun, I go back to my RE on Friday morning.

Happy surprise birthday

(this is a long blog)

A few months ago, my husband had told me that I had to be home this weekend and I couldn't make any plans to do anything. Originally I was supposed to be traveling this month, so I was planning on Flying home. Due to the fact I wasn't traveling, I was told we had plans this weekend. His family came down on Saturday afternoon, they live about 2 1/2 hrs north of us. We hung out and played games all night. When we went to bed, I started asking questions because I knew something was going on for Sunday. DH told me that he wanted to surprise me, but his and my immediate family were all going to a Bre.wer game on Sunday (in case you didn't now we are sports junkies, anything Wisconsin-pack.ers, bad.gers, or Bre.wers.)

So we got on the road pretty early, around 9 am. The game was started at 1.pm, so we left early to tailgate. He had talked to my sister a couple of times on the way, but he played it off as wanting to know where we were and where we should park. Little did I know that 37 of my closest family and friends met at 8:30 in the morning and caravaned down to Milwau .kee to go to this game.

As we pulled in, my sister called again to let DH know where they were parked. Keep in mind at this point, I still had no idea that anything was going on. As we were pulling up, one of cousin's got out of a car, who's car- I don't know, but I was thinking "how nice is that, she must have had nothing going on today." Then we were parking and I looked next to me and another one of my cousin's were getting out of a car. Suddenly, family members were coming out of the woodwork-and it dawned on me-they were all there to celebrate my birthday. IT WAS SO AWESOME. All of my cousins that I spend a lot of time with, there children, and parents were there. We also had some close family friends that took time out of there days to come.

We cooked out-let me tell you it was a smorgasbord!!! Brats, hamburgers, salads, bars, dips, you name it we had it. The weather was gorgeous, sunny mid 70's. We hung out, played yard games-bags, lazy golf. All the beer and soda you drink. I actually broke the rules and had 3 beers (in a 5 hrs time, don't worry I didn't get bombed) but it felt good to be normal for a day. All of our seats were together, yes, 37 seats. The game was a sell out, so it was packed. The Bre.wers won-yeah that is always a bonus!!

After the game, we went back and hung out for a while! On the way home we stopped at a custard store that I love and the flavor of the day was mint chip (this is my all time favorite flavor), it was a sign from god that it was MY DAY! After that we came home, ordered pizza with my cousin and her husband, crashed!!! I was exhausted. I would classify yesterday as one of the best days of my life-right up there with the day DH proposed to me and my wedding day. Here is a picture of my cousins and I-I am the one in Yellow!

On the If front. I got the go ahead from my RE to start the injectables. Tonight will be my 3rd night of shots. They started my dosage really low, half of what I started the last time. So, I am taking 50 iu every shot. I go beck to the Re tomorrow morning. I wish I knew why they were starting me so low, but they are the professionals. I am just scared this cycle will cost me more money. Well, I hope you all had a great weekend. I am sorry that this blog was so long. I promise to update after tomorrows appt.

co worker

I kind of surprised myself last night. I had inventory until the wee hrs of the morning. During a conversation with one of my associates, she told me that she is pregnant, about 7 wks. Now of course the first thing that came to mind:

That would have been around my due date.
We could have compared stories, gone through some of it together.
What the hell are you doing telling people already-you are only 7 wks.
This is supposed to be me!!!!
Stop Mandy, this is not about you!!!

But then I came back into the real world, I was truly happy for her. Maybe it is because I barely know her, nor does she know any of my circumstances. There wasn't any resentment. Of course I am jealous, and wish it was me, but it's not and I can't change that. My managers were trying to keep this from me, they didn't know how I would handle it. I was actually told in front of one of them and she was shocked at how well I took it. It is what it is!

So we move on to tomorrow mornings appt. I am ready for the new chapter to begin. As kimberli stated, I have my boxing gloves back on and I am ready to fight the ugly IF. And this bitch is going down!!!

and a new chapter begins

The next chapter begins today, Af came a little early. Have I mentioned that I am so sick of bleeding. I know that is a little disgusting, but after the m/c and now AF, its never ending. So the plan is to go in for my baseline u/s on Saturday morning. As of right now the plan is to do another round of Gonal-F, with a trigger when we have a good 3 eggs. Last time that was about 8 days of shots, which isn't to bad. I am also assuming they will start me out slower because of the OHSS last time. Now this could all change on Saturday depending on my u/s and bloodwork. I do have this fear that they will find something and make me take a cycle off. Then, I will have to wait yet again. It feels like an eternity since I cycled, yet it seems so soon after my m/c. It is so crazy that just short of 3 weeks ago I m/c. It almost seems like a dream or a out of body experience. I just want to get on with it, yet I am scared as hell!! My mind is ready I just hope my body is as well!!

back to reality

We had a great weekend up north! When we went to Florida last month it was the break I needed to clear my head before starting another cycle. This weekend was the same medicine. I am ready to start again, I have my positive attitude back, and we are going to get pregnant again!! I think part of it is spending time with people I greatly care about. They all know about what we are going through, and give us the love and support we need. My cousins are my best friends, we have all been through so many of life's challenges together. I truly don't know what I would do without them!! They seem to give me strength in ways that I can't find myself. If any of you are reading this-thank you and I love you!!

Anyway, we are back in town. Yesterday, we spent the entire day trying to put up a ceiling fan in our spare bedroom. This is the 3rd one we have attempted. The first one we couldn't even get the light to turn. The second we could get the light and not the fan. Now, there is no way we have 3 lemons. We tried the 3rd, and have the same problem as the second. In talking with my uncle, who is a regular handy man, he thinks the electrician screwed something up when wiring our house. He thinks we have everything connected correctly, and thinks that we had the first and second correct as well. So we will see if it works by the end of today. My DH had until 3 to get it working. We are going to the Brew.er game tonight. Rumor has it, it is a sell out game because of the trade they made this week. So that should be fun!!

On the IF front. I have 3 days left of medroxyprogesterone, so AF should be here by Thursday or Friday at the latest. That puts us at Sat. or Sun. for my baseline u/s. I am ready to start, but don't want to have AF after bleeding for ever with my m/c.

Hope everyone had a good weekend!

on the road again

So, I sit here with my computer sitting in front of me, not knowing what to write. I have been freaking out the last couple of days. My thoughts have been all over the place. I have been frustrated, angry, sad, and lost. I understand that I m/c but I don't seem to be mourning the loss but angry about everything else. So my solution is to get back on the horse again, to start over, to move on. I need it for my sanity. I need to feel hope again, I need to find faith, I need to believe that this is going to work and I will be a mother someday. As my title says, I have started my medroxyprogesterone to bring on AF. I will have AF in about 10 days and that will start a new cycle. I am hoping that this will put some of this to rest, but my mind is still racing..............



What if I can't get pregnant?

I am scared to death of not getting pregnant. The disappointment that I had cycle after cycle before I got pregnant was so debilitating. In all honesty, I felt I would never get pregnant. And the oral drugs seemed to make the process even harder due to the side effects.



What if I get pregnant?

Will I be excited or scared to death? I will never have that feeling of telling my parents or in laws for the first time again. Hearing the excitement in there voices that they are going to be grandparents and that our journey of infertility is over for the time being. When do we tell people if we do get pregnant? How will they react? I think I will be so paranoid that something will happen. This last time every little twitch of pain or discomfort I felt I thought something bad was happening (like I said maybe it actually was.) How do you not feel the anxiety, especially after m/c? At what point does it actually get better? Or doesn't it...........



What if I m/c again?

I don't think I could handle it! What can I do to prevent what happened, again? What does this mean for my infertility, does this change what it wrong with me? or does it add another complication? What do we do after that, another round of injectables or IVF?

How many times to I do this to myself?
I can't even think of this. I don't want to give up, but I am tired. I feel like I am loosing my identitly. I hate how I feel, it is not me. I am a confident, easy go lucky kind of girl. I don't waste time worring about things that I can't control. I am not that person anymore!! I need to find her.



I understand that no one has the answers-but damn it I WANT SOME!!! And I know we will never know until these circumstance happen. So I am going to go away for the holiday and I am going to enjoy my last horrah again before I start the heavy duty drugs. We are going to my aunt and uncles cabin with all of my cousins until Monday. I am hoping this will recharge me like my trip to Florida did. I just need a few days away full of fun and laughs. Hope you all have a great 4th, I probably won't be blogging again until Sunday or Monday

quick note

I only have a minute to update. Just wanted to let you know that we were given the okay to start another cycle. I have to take provera to bring on AF and then day 3 baseline after that. Now that I can start I am kind of panicing. I know it sounds crazy, I am just a little overwhelmed!

everybody looks pregnant?

It was a long day!

I had a RE appointment for bloodwork this morning. My nurse came out to grab me to come back and she suddenly looked like she was pregnant. I felt kind of bad as I stared her down the whole time she took my blood, thinking is she or isn't she. In the mean time, I asked her what to do from here? She told me I probably won't come back for about 2 weeks, and when I do it will be for another blood test to see if my counts are down to zero. At this point, I was thinking WAIT ANOTHER 2 WEEKS-WTF! Wait, Wait, Wait, Wait-has anyone informed her I am not a patient person! I left her and went to pay my bill-yes my insurance doesn't cover any infertility or pregnancy tests. The receptionist stood up and she looked pregnant! Now I understand I am at a fertility clinic, but come on!!! I am really hoping it is all in my head!! Now if these people are not pregnant, by no means am I saying they look heavy. Fashion these day are flowing.

I went to work right away so I wouldn't go home and stew. I had left a message with my boss for her to call me this afternoon regarding my appointment. She called me back and I had to have one of the hardest conversations of my life. For those of you that don't know, I work for a good friend of mine. We have worked together for 9 years, and have a great working relationship and friendship outside of work. So she knows about everything. I had interviewed for a position with our corporate office as a field trainer, which I got. There are 15 people that got picked, so this was a huge opportunity! With everything that has happened I had to turn the job down. I am devastated, but feel I had to do it. The stress level would have caused havoc on everything I have done to relax. I would be between NYC and Dayton, Ohio for over two months. So going to a RE or doctors appointments in general would have been out of the questions. And if this cycle would worked and I m/c while I was traveling I would always question if I did something wrong and most likely blame myself. So, it is what I had to do.

Later this afternoon my RE's office called. My beta is now 2.8, which is good news. That nurse, a different one than I saw this morning, told me as soon as I got a period to call her for a baseline appointment. So, I have no idea what the hell is going on. If we are now waiting until I get a period, I might as well get comfortable because it will be a while. I am going to call and talk with my IVF coordinator on Monday and see what she says. She was off today, that is why I have so many different answers to the same question. My RE is also back next week so I am sure I will hear from her as well, she is very hands on with her patients.

you woman are amazing!

my title says it all. I am just getting home from work right now, yes it is 11:30 and I went in at 8:00 THIS MORNING! Needless to say I have to get to bed, but I just wanted to thank you all! When I got home this tonight I wanted to quickly check my email. I had 12 comments left since this morning-what an amazing thing to know I am not going through this alone. This site has helped me get through the struggles and emotional rollercoaster of IF. All of you ladies who comment on my site or other sites help in ways you can never imagine! I truly and deeply appreciate it more than words can ever say!!

back to work

Maybe today was just a "good" day:

Today I went back to work. I struggled getting up and moving this morning, I was extremely unmotivated, but I made it in. It was actually kind of nice to get back to "normal," at least I wasn't sitting on the couch feeling sorry for myself. And I didn't really have to deal with anyone except customers today. My management staff had plenty of extra associates on for me, so that was a help-I could stay busy without having to really talk to anyone. The day went pretty fast. I am exhausted, but that means I will sleep well tonight. My DH also came home today, which I really needed. I missed him and it was nice to snuggle into his arms. I am starting to feel normal again-no cramps. I only had one crying spell today-and yes it was at work. At least I was smart enough not to wear eye makeup today. It came and went, and I decided to bury myself in work, so the day would pass.

I have decided I really want to just start another cycle. I don't want to pretend like this never happened, but I don't want to dwell on it either. It happened-it sucks, more than anything has ever sucked in my life. But I have a lot of wonderful things in my life, like my husband, family, a great job, and great friends. I have spoke to a couple people who have had m/c and they all say the same thing-it sucks but it happened for a reason. They are all optimistic-but they all got pregnant again on the next cycle. I can only hope that we have the same outcome. I went into the last cycle confident that we were going to get pregnant, I never felt that in any previous cycle. And I feel that same feeling coming back, I just want to get on with it already! Is this normal?

Tomorrow will be a long day. We are getting a new computer system at work and we go live with it tomorrow. Then after work I have to drive to Milwaukee to have dinner with the president of the company I work for. So I am sure I wont' get home until after 10-I am dreading the long day. Hopefully it will be another "good" day, cause I am just not ready for another "bad" day.

today is another day

I want to thank everyone who had commented, called, or emailed me. I truly appreciate your support and love. For those of you that have left messages, I am sorry I haven't called you back, I am just not ready to talk to anyone, nor can I talk about what all happened right now without crying. The whole situation still sucks! Physically I am feeling better. The cramping has lessened, I only have them once every couple of hours and now they just feel like a mild menstrual cramp. I am still bleeding, not as badly, but expect that to last a few more days. I should expect to spot for another week or so. Emotionally I am exhausted. I have an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I keep reliving Sunday night over and over in my head-I know its not healthy, but can't help it. I am not angry, but very frustrated.

I feel like subconsciously I knew something was going to happen. I didn't want to get excited that we were pregnant-didn't want to look at baby stuff-nothing. I knew we had a long way to go before we were in the clear. In my mind I could not get excited until I saw the baby on a u/s and had a heartbeat. On Friday when we were back at home I told my husband that I didn't feel pregnant anymore-not that I had any major signs in the first place-but I didn't feel the same. I even made him stop at the store so I could buy another pregnancy test. I took it the next morning and the second line was really light-which it should have been really dark at this point. DH figured I would just worry and get more paranoid, but maybe I just knew....

I just don't get why everything has to be this hard, it just doesn't make sense to me. I know God has a plan, and he only gives us what we can handle, but it doesn't make any of this any easier. Sitting in the hospital waiting room I just kept looking around me at these parents that have no idea how lucky they are. Most of the "families" in there were young-I am talking 18 years old or less. I am sure they weren't "trying" to get pregnant but do. How is that fair that there are people like us that try, try, and try and nothing. Then we have to go to a RE, get picked and prodded, time after time, not to mention the stupid violating u/s stick. To finally conceive and miscarry a few weeks later, life is just not fair, it's just such bull shit--okay maybe I am angry!!! I just want my husband to come home, I selfishly need him right now. I know he is trying to have fun, and that it what I want. I didn't want him to come home early, he has been looking forward to this trip for months and I know his dad and brother in law were as excited as he was.

So where do we go from here you may ask? I go back to the doctor on Friday, mainly just for bloodwork. I had the choice of doing my follow up with my OB or going back to my RE. I decided to go back to my RE, I have had the most contact with them in the last 6 months and feel it is a little more personal. I have to follow up with my OB today, but still haven't heard back from them-so who knows what they will tell me. Anyway bloodwork-my hcg beta has to return down to zero before we can go forward. There is no definite time frame on this-it takes different lengths of time for each person. Once that happens I have 3 options

1. wait for a period-my average cycle is 52-76 days so we may be waiting a while.
2. Bring a period on using medroxyprogesterone, which it what I was using with clomid.
3. just start a new cycle right away since I don't produce anything with out drugs

We are opting for options 2 this way my uterus will shed it lining one more time and it will be clean. So were are doing another cycle of gonal F, I responded so well the last time they are really confident in it working again-but I am not getting my hopes up. The RE's staff has been really supportive and Mandy, one of my nurses, has the same issues I have. No response from orals, great response from injectables. Miscarried her first time and now has 2 kids. She also reminded me that my body can conceive and that is the hardest part. She has no idea how much I appreciate her kind words and support. I have hope, and I am holding onto it for dear life!!

just when it's started it's over

what a crappy ending to a good weekend. Needless to say I miscarried last night. There isn't much to say. I am still cramping really bad as well as bleeding. I am angry, sad, and every other emotion you could have. I am not blaming myself, I understand this all happens for a reason, but it doesn't make it suck any less.

I wasn't feeling well last night when I left my cousins gift opening. As I drove home, I started to cramp really bad, to the point I felt like I could pass out. When I came home, I went to the bathroom and saw blood. I called the 24 hr nurse line and they told me to go straight to the hospital emergency room. To make matters worse, my husband left for Atlanta last night, so I had to go alone. When I got there it was like entering a horror movie. It was packed, when I checked in they told me the wait was around 3 hrs-great so I can sit there in my bloody pants listening to babies cry around me-can't wait!! After sitting there in agony for 3 hrs I finally got back to see someone. I had blood tests and a u/s. There was nothing found on the u/s and my beta had dropped to 28. So it's over! I got a hold of my DH and had to tell him the bad news on his boys trip, which sucked! My mom came down to spend a few days with me so I am not alone. Anyway, I am sure I will write more later. I have a call out to my doctor, I have no idea where I go from here.

happy birthday to me

I am officially out of my 20's, how depressing!!! Yesterday, I spent a low key day just hanging out with my Dh. My morning started out with breakfast at 7:30 in the morning with my cousins fiance and obviously my dh. Then we came home and I decided to go back to bed-I never do that. So I slept again until 10:30, it was wonderful. We got up and went to a store I have been wanting to check out down on the square, then the zoo which was packed. We went for custard and to Brennens, a local market. We then came home to a nice surprise (just in case you don't know me, I HATE surprises) My inlaws came down to have dinner with us and hang out for my birthday. They drove 2 1/2 hrs JUST for dinner, and then went back home. It was no nice of them to do that, and meant a lot to me!! After that we came home and I laid on the couch-and that was the end of my day. I have to go back to work today and then to Chicago for some training tomorrow. Then I am going home for my cousins wedding.

I still feel good. I just want July 3 rd to be here, it is killing me! I thought the 2ww was bad, this is so much more grueling! Especially when I don't feel anything. How do people get through this? I know stay busy, and relax-well that is harder said than done!!!! My appointment is 2 weeks from today, I just need to hear that heartbeat!!!!

forgive me father, for I have sinned

I am sorry I haven't posted in a while, it has been a very stressful week. I have been digesting the news. I was supposed to take a HPT on Tuesday. The test results were a little confusing to me, so we decided to wait and retest on Wednesday morning. I shouldn't say they were confusing, but hard to believe. These were my results:

Needless to say they were positive, but really light. So I called my doctor to tell her that I was pulling a positive, and to see if I did something wrong. I have only taken a HPT every month for the last 16 months, but maybe I have been doing it wrong the entire time. She told me congratulations, you are pregnant because it is really hard to pull a false positive, although it does happen. Come in for a blood test to double check. My first beta was 34, which is fairly low, but the doctor wasn't to concerned due to the fact I was "just pregnant." But she did want us to come back on Friday to ensure my beta had at least a 60% increase. My second beta ws 68, so I doubled, which is what they ideally want. In talking to my RE she isn't too concerned about my numbers. I have to go back to her on July 3rd for my first u/s. If there is a fetal heart beat then there is a 96% chance of me carrying full term, and I will be released to my OB. In the mean time, I should relax and just enjoy being pregnant! Ha, Ha, How do you do that? I am really trying to just go with the flow, but it is so hard not to think about it. I want this baby so bad!! I don't know how I am supposed to wait 3 wks to know if this is going to be okay! The 2ww was hard enough.

I feel good, I can't say I feel pregnant or even notice any big changes. My boobs hurt, but they have hurt for about 6 wks, although they do seem a little bigger. Not big enough to buy a new bra though. I have noticed I go from full to starving in about 3.2 seconds, and if I don't eat soon I feel nauseous. I am getting a little more tired, but I think that is from being stressed out and my crazy work schedule. Other than that all is well, like I said there are no visable signs, although I do have to urinate a lot more now.

In other thoughts, the last time I was back home, my cousin gave me a big buddha statue, that they call a fertility god. Both of my cousins used it while trying to get pregnant. It is a big statue that you can put in your yard.

It is supposed to give you good baby luck! The scary thing is I am kind of believing it. Obviously it worked, but now I am wondering why I didn't just take it home on my wedding night. We could have alleviated a lot of pain!